


Caged

by Improvise22



Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hospitalization, Imprisonment, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Starvation, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:14:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 20
Words: 48,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26343955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Improvise22/pseuds/Improvise22
Summary: He can't believe it's happened again, his father has taken him for the second time and Mac doesn't know if he'll survive it. He was finally getting his life back on track and now he doesn't know what's going to happen. Mac prays he can survive and that his team will be there when he does.
Comments: 203
Kudos: 52





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry it's taken longer than planned to post this. I've not written as many new chapters as I would have liked so I'll be updating once maybe twice a week for a bit. Thanks for all the great comments on Taken and I hope you enjoy the new one.

Mac awoke to a pain in his head, it felt like someone was drilling into his skull and he wanted it to stop. He reluctantly prized his eyes open, wondering if he was at home. As soon as his eyes started to focus he wished he’d kept them closed. His father was sitting in front of him.

Mac gasped, immediately trying to shy away, finding that impossible when he looked down, seeing that he was tied to a chair.

“It’s good to have you back Angus,” his father said, as if they’re parted ways amicably.

“My name is Mac,” Mac replied, gritting his teeth when his movement aggravated his head injury.

“No, the name your mother and I gave you is Angus. Mac is something you made up.”

“It’s what I prefer.”

“Do I look like I care?” James replied, getting up and pacing the room. “Just as stubborn as always Angus, pity you couldn’t have stayed compliant, now we’ll just have to start over.”

Mac swallowed, trying to control his nausea, he was sure he had a concussion and his father was making it ten times worse.

“What do you want?” Mac asked, slowly.

“You Angus,” James replied. “I thought that was obvious, you belong to me and I won’t have you claimed by someone else.”

“I don’t belong to anybody,” Mac cried, wishing he hadn’t when his headache went up a notch.

“Once again you’re wrong. I gave you life, looked after you. I taught you things, things that you couldn’t be without, that means you belong to me.”

Mac closed his eyes, his father was crazy, not that he didn’t already know this, it seemed he’d gotten even crazier than the last time. Mac just needed to hold on until Jack got there, the team would know he was missing soon and come and find him.

“I had to hurry while finding this place, so everything’s still a work in progress,” James said coming back to the chair. “I need you to stay here for a little while, until I can get your room set up. I doubt you can get out of those ropes, but just in case I’ve set up a sensor. You move from that chair and I’ll know about it.”

Mac sighed as James left, he wondered where he’d been taken to this time. He looked around the room, it was literally a bare square room, with two chairs, there was a window, but it had been boarded up. He looked down at his restraints, his wrists and ankles were tied to the chair with thick rope, it was tight, and Mac knew he couldn’t get out of it. He was also still dizzy and nauseous from the concussion, so he closed his eyes to wait. He’d either wait for rescue or escape when he was feeling better.

Unfortunately, Mac only seemed to feel worse when he awoke again, he was still in the same room, still tied to the same chair, he breathed slowly trying to stop himself from being sick. His head was pounding, and he would kill for some painkillers, he highly doubted he would be provided any, but it was worth an ask when his father returned. Mac knew that he was useless while he was feeling that way.

Mac sighed again, tears in his eyes, he was feeling overwhelmed, he couldn’t believe this was happening again. James had taken him, tied him up and hurt him and planned to do god knows what to him. If his speech earlier were anything to go by, Mac knew that he was going to be broken again and he didn’t know if he’d be able to come back this time. His only hope was rescue, maybe James had been so quick this time that he left a trail. He had said that he’d had to hurry finding the place, perhaps Riley would work her magic and the team were already on their way.

He had to stay strong, he wouldn’t let his father win this time. Mac was determined to fight back with all he had, deep down knowing that it hadn’t worked out so well last time, so maybe it would just be easier giving up straightaway. James wasn’t stupid though, he would know that it was an act, he was probably expecting Mac to fight. So that was what Mac would do.

An hour or so later the door opened, and James walked in, coming straight over to Mac and starting to untie his ankles.

“You will behave while we walk to your new accommodations, if not I will hurt you,” James said, pausing to look up at his son. “I know you already have a concussion; it would be a shame to add anything else before the day is through.”

Mac gritted his teeth, knowing that James was right, he wanted so badly to kick out and tackle his father when he was released, but he didn’t even know if he’d be able to stand let alone fight. If he tried it he knew his father would follow through on his threat, if he behaved he might have an opportunity later, when he was feeling better.

The ropes were untied, and James gripped his upper arm, Mac shivered, it was such a familiar feeling. He was pulled up and his wrists tied behind his back, Mac couldn’t stop the gasp as he felt himself be restrained.

“Good boy Angus, maybe there’s hope for you yet,” James said, leading him from the room.

They walked through a hallway and out of a door leading to the outside, Mac looking around seeing nothing, there were fields and trees but not much else. James led him to what looked like a barn, it seemed they were on a farm.

“No,” Mac said, digging in his feet when he saw where they were headed.

“I don’t think I gave you a choice Angus,” James said, dragging his son while he struggled.

Mac’s eyes were wide, his breathing speeding up, he wouldn’t go in there, he began struggling more, hoping to break his fathers hold and run. He was soon stopped by a shock to the system, James had pulled out a taser and placed it in his son’s side. Mac’s legs turned to jelly, and he was helpless as he was pushed into the cage, the metal door clanging behind him.

“You will remain in here, I need time to come up with a plan and don’t need any distractions from you,” James said, locking the door. “There is a chemical toilet for you to use and I will bring you food as and when I can, put your hands through here and I’ll untie your wrists.”

Mac was in shock, the cage looked like something you’d keep animals in, perhaps birds, there was a toilet in one corner and a blanket in another, his father was referring to a hole cut in the metal, not large enough to be of any use. He did as he was told, otherwise James would only leave him how he was and then stepped back rubbing his wrists.

“You can’t keep me in here,” Mac said, horrified.

“I can and I will,” James responded. “I’ll be back with some food and painkillers later.”

With that his father walked off, pulling the barn door closed. The place was quite large and there were a few windows, so Mac wasn’t in the dark, he used the toilet and then sat huddled in the corner, pulling the blanket around him. He wasn’t ashamed to admit that he cried, what he wouldn’t give for Lola, she would soon be licking his face, crawling into his lap for him to stroke. Or Jack, he’d pull him close and run his fingers through his hair, speaking quietly until he calmed down. He wanted them both and he didn’t know how long he could hold out.

Across town and Jack was pacing, he couldn’t believe this was happening, not again. He’d immediately raced from the room after Matty had given him the news, trying Mac again and again, his phone just going to voicemail. He headed to his house, praying that he was there, and his phone was just off, already knowing before he arrived that it wouldn’t be. The house was empty, Bozer was still in the lab none the wiser and there wasn’t a sign that Mac had even been home. The jeep was gone so Jack called Riley, she needed to track it and Mac’s phone, straightaway, he hadn’t even given her an explanation. Told her to head to the war room and that Matty would fill her in. That was two hours earlier, Jack was currently pacing while Riley worked her magic.

“Come on Ri, I need something,” Jack said, hating that he was putting so much pressure on her.

“I know Jack, I’m doing my best. I’ve got my surveillance programme running and I’m searching manually to find whatever car James might be driving. There’s not a lot else I can do,” Riley replied, upset that she couldn’t find anything.

They’d found Mac’s jeep, it had been run off the road, minor damage to the front and back of the car, a small amount of blood in the front seat. Mac’s phone and wallet were in the glove compartment. There had been no cameras in the area, which was no surprise, they knew James would avoid them if he could.

Cage and Matty were currently at the hospital James had escaped from, trying to find any information that they could, anything he might have left behind that might lead them to his whereabouts.

Bozer was picking up Lola from the dog sitters, they all could do with her presence and he was going to bring her back to the Phoenix. He was as horrified as the rest of them that James had come back, he hadn’t talked about it, but his face said it all.

Jack was sick, he knew that Mac was stronger, but there was no way that he could be around his father and be ok afterwards. He was wishing that he’d ignored everyone and put a bullet in the man’s head, if he were dead then none of this would be happening. He turned as the door opened, immediately crouching down when a ball of fur headed his way. He picked up the dog and held her tight, she was the closet he could be to Mac and he wasn’t going to let her out of his sight.

“We’ll find him girl, that’s a promise.”


	2. Chapter 2

Mac sat in the corner of his cage, his eyes were unfocused and his hands still, the drugs his father had been giving him where doing a number on his body and mind. From what he could tell he’d been gone for at least a month and the determination of either being found or escaping had left him. He was just starting to except that the life he knew was over and the life of being someone’s property was beginning. Because that’s how his father saw him, as property, he was his to do with as he liked. Most of the time Mac was left in his cage, his father was busy and didn’t have time for him, he was only let out when James needed him for something or when it was time for a shower or some exercise.

It was completely different to when he’d been with his father before, he wasn’t allowed in the house, the workshop his father used was in an outbuilding and he showered in the barn. He ate all his meals and slept where he was, this small space becoming his home. He couldn’t remember when he last saw his father, and he was starting to crave another dose of the drugs he’d become addicted to, they had been administered after a week of being with his father and he had received a dose every two days. The initial week of drugs was hell while James got the dosage right, but as the week ended Mac became more docile, the cocktail obviously intended to keep him calm and compliant. Mac also noticed that the fidgeting he always observed was gone, he no longer needed to pace or fiddle with something to keep his body and mind active. In a way it was nice, strange but nice to have his brain be switched off a little.

Mac looked up as the door to the barn opened, he hoped that it was his father with his drugs.

“Time for your medication Angus,” James said, approaching the cage and opening the hatch.

Mac went over and took the pills his father gave him, swallowing them with the water he was given. Mac started shaking as they made their way through his body, he always felt worse before he felt better. He hated himself for taking the medication so willingly, but he knew that he would feel miserable without it and if he refused he would just be forced.

“Here’s some food, I’ll be back tomorrow, and you can have a shower.” With that James walked away, leaving his son alone once more.

Mac sat and dug into his food, he hadn’t eaten in over two days and he was hungry. His body was getting used to less food, he didn’t need as many calories as he wasn’t active, but he usually ate at least every other day. This was the longest he’d gone without food since he first arrived.

His mind went back to the beginning, he was so defiant, telling his father every time he came in that he couldn’t keep him there, that he was going to be rescued, that he hated him and anything else he could think of. James had ignored him for the most part, before he started giving Mac the drugs he hadn’t been into the barn often, only coming to bring food. After the first week he had told Mac that he’d come up with a plan and that they were going to carry it out from that day. He had informed Mac about the medications he wanted him to take, showing him the pills. Of course, Mac had refused, James hadn’t been happy and I fight had begun.

James got in a few blows and then tasered Mac, so he was panting on the floor, he then stuck a needle in his neck. Mac was confused, he thought he was supposed to take pills, realising after a minute that the injection was a sedative, he began to feel drowsy and his father had forced the pills on him, holding his nose closed so he’d swallow. He was told that he had to do better next time. Mac had been refused any food for the time the different dosages of medication were being given, being told James didn’t want the experiment to be tainted, only being allowed water. On the twelfth day he’d been given food and told he would only be eating every other day; his body didn’t need any more than that. He had eaten the food as quickly as he dared, knowing he’d be sick if he ate too fast. The meal didn’t fill him and he realised that he would always be hungry while with his father, he would just have to get used to what he was given.

When after another week Mac was still acting out as his father put it, James decided that the second part of his plan needed to be started. He took out his taser and open the cage door, motioning for Mac to come out. Mac had been weak because of the little food he’d had and the drugs in his system, he wanted to fight but knew that he’d only be tased again. He went where he was directed, and his father soon tied his hands above his head to a hook hanging from the ceiling. Mac thought he was going to be beaten and flinched when his father ripped the t-shirt from him. There was a strange noise from behind him and then pain like he’d not felt before on his back. He gasped, what was happening, the pain came again and again, and he knew what it was. His father was whipping him. After the sixth time he screamed and begged James to stop, after the tenth he was close to passing out. His father stopped at twelve and then walked around to face Mac, pulling his head up.

“If you don’t wish for that to happen again I suggest you stop causing trouble and do as you are told,” James said, letting Mac hang for a while before grabbing a hose and washing him down.

Mac passed out when his father cleaned his back and woke to find himself back in his cage with a new shirt on, his back on fire. There was a bottle of water and two painkillers, he took them and drank the bottle, shivering on the floor, not believing that his father could have done that to him.

Thankfully, it hadn’t happened again, and his back was much better, Mac was sure that he had scars, but he already had so many, what was a few more.

The next day came and Mac was let out to shower.

“Once you’re done I want twenty laps of the barn, I need you up and about, you need to help me with something today,” James said, standing over towards the door.

Mac didn’t speak, only nodded, his father only allowed him to speak when he was asked a direct question and because Mac was alone most of the time he felt it easier to stay quiet. He stripped and got under the shower that had been set up, it only gave out cold water, but Mac was used to it, he didn’t think he could remember what a hot shower felt like. Finishing quickly and dressing he began his laps, knowing James would be keeping a close eye on him.

The first few times he’d been let out to exercise Mac had tried to escape, the first time he’d complied with his father’s wishes, wanting to come up with a plan. The second time he put that plan into action, it hadn’t gone well, he’d managed to hit his father and knock him to the ground and get to the door. Unfortunately, James had recovered quickly, soon Mac was dragged back to his cell, the taser staying on his side longer than before and coming back for a second time. He barely heard his father’s words before he passed out.

“That was stupid Angus, very stupid. Don’t think I’ll be letting you out again to exercise until you’ve learnt your lesson.”

True to his word, except for the punishment of being whipped, he hadn’t been let out of his cage again for five days, not even to shower, on that day James stuck the taser to his side as soon as he was let out, Mac going to his knees.

“I don’t want to do that again Angus, behave and you can stay out for longer,” James said, walking away.

Mac had behaved and hadn’t tried to escape again.

He finished his laps, panting from the exertion, it was crazy to him that so little exercise could tire him so much, but he knew the reason. Sitting for long periods and lack of food, equals tiring easily when being active.

“Hands behind your back,” James said as he approached. “We’re going to my workshop.”

Mac complied, soon having his hands tied, he was then led out of the barn, squinting when the sun hit his face. It seemed like an age since he’d been outside, he missed the fresh air. Unfortunately, it didn’t last long, and they were soon at the outbuilding his father used, he was led inside, and the ropes removed, a cuff encircling one wrist instead. It was attached to a chain, meaning he couldn’t move far from the worktable. Mac sat down and his father instructed him on what the task for the day was.

It was the third time he’d helped his father, and the only time he really talked, James allowing him to speak more freely when working. In order to get money and supplies James had taken jobs and Mac would sometimes help him to finish them. Today they were building several components that would be used in a larger device, Mac hadn’t been told what that device was, but he could probably guess. He had been concerned that he would be asked to make weapons or bombs, not knowing what he would do in that situation. He could refuse, but it wouldn’t end well and he liked using his hands, this was the only time that he could do anything, he needed to be able to stay useful or he wasn’t sure what his father would do.

“If you keep doing a good job then I might start letting you in here to work on projects I haven’t started yet,” James said, moving around the room. “You need to behave though. Can I trust you to do that.?”

“Yes sir,” Mac replied, his voice soft.

James nodded, turning away, focusing on his own part of the project. “As long as you’re useful to me Angus you can keep coming in here. You’re gifted, it would be a shame for that to go to waste.”

Mac stayed quiet, desperately wanting to scream at his father that being locked away for days at a time was not what you did to someone gifted, if he didn’t want his mind going to waste then he had a funny way of showing it.

Hours later and he was taken back to his cage, the door shutting and locking, his father leaving without a word. Mac laid down and soon fell asleep, he was always tired after working and usually slept for a long time. When he woke he knew he would be fed and given his medication, the days were monotonous, some merging into others. Mac often wondered if maybe it would be better to fall asleep and never wake up, at least it would end his pain.

Across the city Jack was sitting on Mac’s couch, stroking Lola, he had moved in with Bozer permanently, neither of them wanting to be alone. Mac had been missing for five weeks, 2 days and four hours and Jack was hardly keeping it together. They had zero leads and the search had all but been called off.

Matty and the team were continuing the search in their spare time, but unfortunately life needed to resume. Everyone was finding it difficult, but Jack was slowly breaking into tiny pieces. He’d been seeing Vanessa and was only holding it together because of her, Lola and the hope that Mac would be found. He knew that if he fell apart and Mac was found then he would hate himself, Mac would need him, and he wouldn’t be there.

“Jack, you eaten?” Bozer asked, walking out from the shower.

“Not yet Boze, not hungry,” Jack replied, looking up at his new roommate.

“Well tough, you’re starting to get skinny and I’m not having that. I’ll cook something, can’t have you wasting away.”

Jack smiled at his friend, didn’t know what he’d do without him, probably starve. “Thanks, Boze.”

Bozer smiled back, heading into the kitchen, he started cooking, it was the only thing that helped keep him calm. He missed Mac like crazy and couldn’t believe like the others that this nightmare was happening again. He was starting to worry that they wouldn’t get Mac back this time, it had already been longer, and they hadn’t had a single solid lead.

He knew a lot of the things that had happened to Mac the last time he’d been taken by James and it was taking all he had to not envision those things happening again. He dreamt of his friend being tortured, of crying out for help and having no one hear him. He awoke sweating and crying, hugging Lola tight when she came to investigate. Frankly, he was only holding it together because of her and Jack, he didn’t know how long they could all keep it up though. If they didn’t receive a lead or news soon then he feared what might happen.

Jack’s phone chimed and he picked it up, it was a message from Riley.

“Ri’s coming over,” Jack said, looking over to the kitchen. “You got enough food?”

“Course I do, tell her it’ll be ready when she gets here.”

Jack nodded sending the reply. Riley had been coming over a lot, like Jack and Bozer she didn’t want to be alone. They tried to act like nothing was wrong when they got together, watching movies, telling funny stories, but deep down they all knew that there was a big hole missing. A Mac sized hole and it was killing all of them that he wasn’t there. When telling a story Jack would turn to Mac to ask him if he remembered something, stopping himself and carrying on the story as if it hadn’t happened. They knew though and no one said anything, they’d all had their own versions of the same thing and they all knew what the other was feeling.

An hour later and they were sat watching Independence Day eating the food Bozer had made, trying desperately to hold themselves together. Riley was grateful for her two friends and Lola; she didn’t think she’d be able to go on without them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm setting these chapters a little differently than the first, gonna try to do flashbacks more than day by day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Mentions of rape in this chapter, in case anyone is worried to read James is not involved. Also more violence and suicidal thoughts.

Mac lay curled up on the floor of his cage, waiting for his next dose of medication, it was becoming harder and harder to find the will to do anything but lay there. Even being let out for exercise and work wasn’t appealing anymore. It had been six months since he’d arrived, and he now knew for sure that he wasn’t going home. He would either die from lack of food or from one of his father’s punishments or he would find a way to kill himself. There was no way he could go on any longer.

The months had bled into one, his days the same, James continued to only let him out for a few reasons, although he was being tasked with more work, even meeting some of his father’s contacts.

It seemed James had gotten into a rhythm of work, getting paid to make things and help with jobs where his skillset allowed. He had slowly let Mac meet these contacts, making sure that he wouldn’t mess it up for them by saying or doing anything he didn’t approve of. None of the people his father brought around seemed bothered that Mac was treated the way he was. He was even watched by a couple of them when his father had to leave for a job.

One man had taken a shine to Mac, making any excuse to be near or touch him. Mac remembered the day when the man had asked if James wished to part with him, he could do with someone that easy on the eye.

“Not right now,” James had replied, not seeming to mind that the man had obvious intentions. “Shall we get back to work.”

Mac had prayed that day that his father kept his word. Only days later the man had offered to watch Mac while James left to get some supplies. That was one of the days etched vividly in Mac’s mind.

“Hey pretty boy, just you and me, think we should have some fun,” the man, Victor had said.

He unlocked the cage and opened it, coming in and crouching down, rolling Mac over onto his front.

Mac had panicked, he knew what was going to happen and he wouldn’t let it, punishment from his father was one thing, this was another. He tried to get up and push the man away, but he was weak, and Victor was strong. He was soon straddled, his trousers and underwear pulled down. Mac cried, begging Victor to stop, doing everything he could to get him off. He couldn’t and he soon felt immense pain, none like he’d ever felt, he cried, biting his lip he wouldn’t scream.

What felt like hours later and Victor got off him, walking away and closing the cage door.

“Until next time pretty boy. I’m gonna get your father to give you to me, or maybe I’ll just take you.”

He walked away, closing the barn door and Mac curled into a ball, not even having the strength to pull on his clothing. When his father had let him out for a shower the next day he had a strange look on his face, watching Mac moving stiffly, dried blood on his clothes. He didn’t say anything and neither did Mac.

A week later and Victor was back, waltzing into the barn, whistling, Mac froze when he saw him, his breathing quickening.

“Daddy left for the day, told me to do what I liked to you,” Victor said, a smile on his face. “We’re gonna have so much fun.”

Mac got to his feet, fighting with all he had when Victor entered the room, he got in a few blows but was soon pinned to the floor. Victor punched him hard in the back of the head and he was dazed, so dazed he couldn’t stop his clothes from being ripped off and his body being dragged from the cage. As Victor was pulling him up he started to struggle again, earning another few hits to his ribs.

He was soon hanging from the hook his father used when he whipped him, Mac praying Victor wasn’t going to do that. He was breathing heavy, he couldn’t believe James had left him alone with this man, telling him to do what he liked. Surely his father knew what the man would do.

“Ooo your back is a mess, I love it,” Victor said, running his hands over the scars. “Maybe I’ll add something before the day is through.”

Mac cried, begging for Victor to leave him alone, he knew what was coming, there was no other reason his clothes had been taken. He soon realised he was right when the pain came, Victor thrusting himself into Mac hard.

“I want to make you scream this time,” he said, and Mac decided he wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.

When Victor was through he walked around, slapping Mac hard in the face. He was angry.

“We’ve got all day, you’ll scream eventually.”

Mac hung from the hook, desperately keeping his feet on the floor, after a few hours he was shaking, he was too weak to stand for long periods. Victor had kept touching him, and hitting him, finally deciding in the last hour that he wanted to see what the whip felt like, slashing Mac’s back five times.

Mac closed his eyes and his feet went; he couldn’t keep them under him anymore, so he hung from his wrists. Victor didn’t seem to mind. The day was long, and Mac was begging to be let down, Victor wanted him to scream though and he told him he wasn’t finished having fun with him yet.

He went around behind Mac again, pulling him up and close, Mac cried, after ten minutes of agony he screamed, Victor kept going for longer than Mac thought possible and then he cut him down. Mac falling to the floor in a heap.

“I knew I could make you scream.”

Later Mac was pulled back to his cage, Victor leaning against the door looking at his phone.

“James will be back in an hour. Time for one more round, don’t you think?”

Victor was a sadist, Mac was in so much pain and he was shivering from the cold and fear, not knowing what he’d do if this became a regular thing. He tried to struggle but decided that letting Victor do want he wanted was just easier, crying quietly his eyes closed.

Once Victor had left Mac just lay there, he wanted to die, he been violated four times in one day, whipped and beaten. He was humiliated and couldn’t even find any strength to get up, let alone cover himself up.

Not long after Victor had left Mac felt someone come up to the cage and swear, it sounded like James, he immediately heard him leave. He was probably angry at Victor for leaving him with a mess to clean up.

He was shocked later when his father came back, pulling him from the cage and cleaning him up, bandaging his wrists and being extremely gentle with him. He was carefully dressed before he was put back on the floor.

“I’m sorry son, I shouldn’t have left you here with him,” James said, after closing the door again, locking it and walking away. “Don’t worry, he won’t be coming back.”

James had kept his word and Mac never saw Victor again, he had even been given an extra blanket and more food than he usual got, his father was nice to him for a whole week, changing his bandages and letting him out to walk around more than usual. It shocked him that his father seemed upset. In a moment of confusion Mac spoke asking his father a question.

“Why?”

“What was that Angus?” James asked, standing up after helping Mac to lie down.

“Why do you care? You gave him permission.” Mac said, not worrying in the slightest James might take the meagre things he’d been given or that he’d punish him for speaking.

“I would never give him permission to do that,” James said, sounding appalled. “And it’s not about caring Angus, you are mine and if someone hurts you without permission that’s unacceptable. I told him he could punish you if you got out of line, he took it too far.”

James walked out of the door, shutting it before speaking again. “I’ll forgive you for talking this time Angus, don’t do it again, you know better.”

Mac sat wrapping himself in the extra blanket and eating the food as he watched his father walk away. He didn’t understand the man at all, although he was grateful that he wouldn’t be letting Victor back.

Unfortunately, the speech James had given about not letting anyone touch Mac without his permission became a sore point in Mac’s memory, a few weeks after the incident with Victor Mac was helping his father and two acquaintances with a job. There was an accident and Mac had managed to break a vital piece of equipment. To say that they were furious was an understatement, if looks could kill then he’d be dead.

Mac shied away from them, knowing that some sort of punishment was coming, the men had spoken in low tones with his father and then with a nod James motioned for Mac to approach. He was taken back to the barn and pushed to the floor. The two men then began beating him, viciously, only stopping when James told them to. Mac gasped on the floor, shaking from the pain, not knowing if any more blows were coming.

“I’ll meet you back at the house,” James said, walking towards his son.

Mac tried to shy away; he didn’t think he could take anymore pain. “Please.”

“You deserved that Angus and you know it,” James said, untying the rope around his wrists. “You will get up and get in the cage. I will check on you later once my guests have gone.”

Mac struggled to get up, knowing that his father would only drag him if he couldn’t, his whole body was on fire and he was sure he had some ribs broken. He pulled his arms towards him and pushed up, screaming when the action caused his shoulder to pop out of place.

His father had obviously not noticed and thought Mac was just being slow, he grabbed his arm forcefully and pulled, dragging him along the floor and throwing him into the cage, slamming the door behind him.

Mac lost consciousness as soon as his body hit the floor, the pain in his shoulder overwhelming, he came to with a start, his father was leaning over him putting his arm back into place. Mac screamed again, and lay breathing heavily.

“Try not to move it, it’ll need time to heal,” James had said. “You have some broken ribs and I think your cheekbone might be fractured. You’ll stay here and only come back to help me when you’re at full strength.”

Mac’s shoulder still didn’t feel right, he wasn’t sure that his father had put it into place properly and he worried that he would eventually lose the use of his arm or hand. If that happened, then his father wouldn’t have any more use for him. He wondered if James would kill him outright? Or just abandon him? If he were left alone he would either starve or dehydrate. 

Mac sighed, sitting up, he was contemplating refusing to work next time his father came in, he didn’t think he could take anymore. The jobs were getting more complicated and he was making mistakes, last time he had tried to work it was before his medication was due and his hands were shaking. His father had to give him the pills early so that he could carry on. That was two week ago and Mac hadn’t left the barn since. He rested his head against the bars of the cage, wishing and praying that Jack would walk through the door.

Mac sighed again, he’d given up any hope of that happening, knowing that the search for him had probably been called off months ago, his friends were probably getting on with their lives and he was most likely already forgotten. He couldn’t expect them to keep looking for him after all this time, and he certainly didn’t want them to stop living. He might be in hell, but it didn’t mean they had to be. Tears started to run down his face when he thought about what they might be doing, hoping that they were all ok.

The door opened but Mac didn’t care, he didn’t get up, didn’t wipe the tears off his face.

“You’re pathetic,” James said, holding out a syringe. “Come here, I’m gonna give you a stimulant, I have some people I want you to meet and I will not have you mess it up.”

Mac stayed where he was, knowing that it would only make his father mad but not caring. He knew the door would open and his father would push him either to the floor or against the cage wall and then he would force the medication on him. It was not the first time it had happened. He might then get some sort of punishment, it depended on his father’s mood.

The door opened and Mac almost smiled, James was predictable, he felt himself pushed against the cage wall and his neck exposed, then felt the needle go in. He dropped to the floor after he was released, his breath catching when his father kicked him a few times in the side.

“Why must you always make things so difficult Angus?” James exclaimed, walking away. “Once this meeting is over I think I’ll get the whip out again. We haven’t used that in a while.”

Mac closed his eyes, he could handle being beaten, being tased, even some of the other minor punishments he got but he would never be able to handle being whipped. It had happened twice since he’d arrived, a third if he counted Victor and now it seemed like another round was coming.

His mind went back to that second time, Mac had thought that now he knew what to expect it wouldn’t be as bad, he was wrong. His father whipped him twenty times, eight more than the first time and he was barely conscious when he’d been let down. He’d dropped to the floor, trying to lie still, but his body was shaking. He found as he lay there that he’d wet himself, his control going when he was trying to deal with the pain.

James had come over to him and taken off the rest of his clothes, hosing him down and cleaning the wounds on his back. He was pulled into his cage, clothes thrown after him.

“I hoped I wouldn’t have to do that to you again Angus, but you gave me no choice. Maybe if you were better this wouldn’t have happened.”

Mac still found it hard when his father said stuff like that to him, trying to make out that it was his fault that everything was happening. As if being whipped twenty times was something that anyone does anymore, they weren’t in the dark ages. The only thing that Mac had held onto was that he didn’t deserve what was happening to him. He might act compliant, he might do what his father tells him, but he knows that his father is in the wrong, knows that he shouldn’t be having to go through any of it.

His mind comes back to the present as his father speaks again.

“One-hour Angus, you have one hour to prepare yourself. The man I’m meeting is an old friend and I would like you to meet him. He has no qualms about how I treat you so don’t go getting any ideas, if you are ready and waiting when I get back we will sit in the workshop and talk about what is required. If you aren’t, then I will leave you and bring him in here, show him that my son has no manners and needs to be treated like an animal, I’m sure he will happily stare at you through the cage bars.”

Mac knew that he didn’t have a choice, he still wanted to have some form of dignity and having James’s acquaintances seeing him locked in a cage wouldn’t give him that. Mac would be ready, praying that the job wouldn’t be a hard one. He had an hour, but with the stimulant running through his veins he wasn’t able to rest, instead he sat as still as he could, his stomach hurt from where his father had kicked him, he was also hungry, but knew there wasn’t going to be food until the next day.

An hour later and Mac was ready, allowing his father to tie his hands and lead him to his workshop, the two men were already sitting waiting. Neither of them batting an eyelid when James released Mac’s wrists to only cuff him to the chain he always wore when in the room.

“Gentleman, this is Angus. Say hello son,” James said, sitting down himself.

“Hi,” Mac spoke, looking up to meet their eyes and then looking straight down.

“Got him well trained I see,” one of the men said, laughing.

“He knows how to behave,” James replied. “Now what is it you’d like from us.”

They discussed the job and Mac tried to follow along, looking up every so often, catching the second man staring at him with a strange look on his face. Mac sighed, he really hoped this wasn’t going to be another Victor situation.

Two hours later and they were saying goodbye, agreeing to meet again in three days, the work should be finished by then. James turned to Angus and nodded, unlocking the cuff and retying the ropes. They headed back to the barn, James hesitating at the centre.

“You behaved well, but I think you still need an extra incentive to do good work,” James spoke, pulling Mac where he didn’t want to go.

His hands were soon secured above his head and his shirt was removed, Mac felt tears fall down his face and knew his father would see them.

“You’re pathetic and weak, crying even though you know I have to do this,” James exclaimed, walking around to Mac’s back. “Even though I shouldn’t let up, I’m not going to give you as many lashes as last time. I need you to be able to work tomorrow.”

Mac breathed deeply, his father never said how many times he was being whipped, just that it would be less than last time. He braced himself for the pain he knew was coming, nothing could prepare him, it was as if James had been holding back before, this time the hits were more forceful. Ten came and then he was being washed down, his back cleaned, Mac was on the edge of consciousness but because of the stimulant still in his system he couldn’t pass out. He continued to cry, wishing he could sleep and stay that way until the pain was over.


	4. Chapter 4

Jack had finally come to terms with the fact he’d never see Mac again, after the second month came and went he was still hopeful, after the third month he was beginning to have doubts, by the fourth month he had hit a depression he couldn’t get out of. The fifth month came, and he started to move forward, now that the sixth month was over Jack had said a silent goodbye and moved on with his life.

After six months they were all struggling, but the surprise was Cage, she quit The Phoenix and moved back to Australia, saying that it was too painful to be there without Mac. They all had their suspicions that Mac and Sam had become an item, but neither of them had said anything so it stayed just that, suspicions between friends.

Jack had helped Bozer pack Mac’s stuff away, storing it in the garage, neither of them wanting to part with anything. They had gone through the motions of declaring Mac missing presumed dead, meaning that his bank accounts could be closed and the will he’d left could decide what happened to his house, car etc.

It was rough for all of them coming to Mac’s house and knowing that it wouldn’t be called that anymore, they cried and laughed, remembering their friend, knowing that he’d never be forgotten. Deep down all of them prayed for a miracle, some sort of sign that would lead them to their friend, at this point they would be happy to find his body, at least then they would have some closure.

They were all gathered in the war room when it happened, just coming off a mission and doing a debrief. Matty’s phone rang and she answered, stepping off to the side.

“Director Webber.”

The others tried to give her privacy, but it wasn’t a large room and they each noticed that her expression was changing, emotions flooding her face. Shock, anger, happiness.

“When did this happen?” Matty asked, waiting for a response and then she spoke again. “I see and is he sure, he saw him directly?”

The others had gathered to watch their boss, not sure what was happening but knowing that they needed to be ready when she finished her phone call.

“What else can you tell me, what was his condition?” Matty asked another question, closing her eyes at the response. “Thank you, we’ll head out immediately.”

Jack rose at this, he knew what the call was about, it was finally happening, they were bringing his kid home.

“That was the FBI, they have someone deep undercover with a vicious gang they’re trying to shut down. The agent didn’t realise at the time, but his fellow gang member set up a meeting with a James MacGyver. Two days ago, they went to that meeting and the agent saw Mac,” Matty stopped, her breath hitching. “I have a location.”

Everyone stood in shock, not quite believing that it was real. Jack recovered first, starting to head to the door.

“Give me the go ahead and I’ll have a team ready to go in five minutes.”

“Of course, you have the go ahead, go, bring our boy home,” Matty replied, hoping that there was enough of Mac left to bring home.

The agent on the phone had told her that Mac hadn’t looked good, he was unsteady on his feet, weak as a kitten and he was being treated like a prisoner. There had also been a look in his eyes that the agent didn’t like, the light had gone out and he said he was worried what they’d find when they got to him.

Jack couldn’t believe this day had come, he had to put on his game face, push all his emotions down, there was no telling what they were going to find. The place they were heading to was a farm and there were a lot of buildings, anyone of them could contain James or Mac, or anyone else for that matter.

The team slowly approached the perimeter and flooded the house, going from room to room and finding nothing. This wasn’t happening, they didn’t get this lead to not find anything.

They headed out, going towards the outhouses, taking them two at a time. Jack forced the door of one in and came face to face with James MacGyver. He didn’t hesitate to attack, the minute he became close enough, pinning him to the floor screaming in his face.

“Where is he you son of a bitch!”

James remained silent but managed to shake Jack loose and head across the room, Jack not far behind. One-minute Jack was chasing James and the next minute James was dead on the floor, a bullet between his eyes. The man had pulled a gun and tried to bring it around, Jack had been quicker. He wasn’t sorry that he’d taken a life, he was glad the man was dead, all he had to do now was find Mac.

“Sir, you need to come to the barn,” a member of the tac team spoke in his ear. “If you’ve found the suspect check him for keys.”

Jack immediately checked in James’s pockets, pulling out a keyring, dreading what he was going to find when he entered the barn.

He felt the need to be sick when he saw where his kid was, eyeing his agent to see if he was going to say anything.

“I’ll wait outside,” the agent said, and Jack was grateful.

He approached the cage with caution, Mac was curled on the floor, eyes open and his body stiff, Jack opened the door and walked in, crouching down so he didn’t appear threatening.

“Mac, is it really you?” Jack said, tears falling down his cheeks.

Mac looked up, not quite believing what he was seeing. “Jack?”

“Yeah buddy, I’m here. It’s time to go home.”

Mac launched himself at Jack, clinging to him like he was going to leave, he started sobbing, his face pressed into Jack’s chest. As Jack encircled his arms around him Mac gasped, the wounds on his back still raw.

“Did I hurt you?” Jack asked, trying to let go.

Mac shook his head, clinging tighter, he didn’t care if he was in pain if he was safe, Jack was here, that meant safety.

“Safe?” He questioned.

“Yeah buddy, you’re safe now. It’s all gonna be ok.”

The two of them sat for a while, clinging to each other, Jack soon prying Mac off him, knowing that he needed to get him out of there. Mac had fallen asleep, or fallen unconscious, Jack couldn’t tell, and it urged him on. Mac needed medical help and he needed it yesterday.

Jack didn’t want to wake Mac so decided that the best way he could see to remove him from where he was, was to carry him. The kid looked like he weighed nothing, and Jack was sure that he could feel all his ribs. He picked him up, careful of what ever was causing the kid pain earlier and took him from the room. He didn’t stop walking until he’d reached the car, manoeuvring himself inside, pulling Mac to him so he was half on his lap.

He gave instructions for the place to be torn apart, they needed to know what had been going on, Mac had been missing for six months and god knows what could have happened to him in that time. Once that was done the remaining agent got into the driver’s seat and headed back to Phoenix, Jack breathing easier knowing that Mac was safe in his arms, dreading what they would find once they got him to medical.

An hour later and Mac opened his eyes, stiffening when he didn’t know where he was, there was someone holding him, and they were moving.

“Jack?” Mac whispered, wanting to make sure it hadn’t been a dream.

“Yeah kiddo, I’m still here,” Jack replied, running his hand up and down Mac’s arm. “We’re going home.”

Mac smiled, he was finally free of his father, he couldn’t believe that it was happening, he’d given up any hope of rescue. In fact, he had been lying in his cage just that morning, coming up with ways to kill himself, he knew it wouldn’t be easy, but he had to get away and that seemed the logically way to go. If Jack had been even a day later then he might have only found a body.

Mac started to cry at the thought, he couldn’t believe he’d almost done it, couldn’t even think of a scenario different to the one he was in now, in Jack’s arms, safe and going home.

“Hey buddy, it’s ok. We’ll get you fixed up in no time,” Jack said, when he noticed the tears.

Jack was on cloud nine, after all those months of worry and now he had his kid in his arms and he couldn’t be happier. He’d called to tell the others the good news and he knew they were all feeling like he was, they couldn’t wait to see Mac. Jack’s thoughts turned a little dark when he thought of the recovery Mac was going to go through, it had been bad when he’d been taken before, he knew it would be worse this time, especially as they had no idea what Mac had been through.

The only good thing was that Mac seemed to recognise and feel safe with Jack this time around, he hadn’t let his grip go since they first laid eyes on each other and that reassured Jack. He could tell instantly that Mac was thinner than he’d ever been, and he could see faint bruises on the exposed skin he could see, he dreaded what they would find under his clothes.

They soon arrived at Phoenix and Jack helped Mac from the car, deciding that whether the kid liked it or not he was going to carry him in, it looked like a stiff breeze would knock him over.

Mac didn’t seem to mind, tucking his head into Jack’s shoulder, he was shaking slightly, scared of what was going to happen when they got inside. He hoped the others would come and see him, he was starting to forget what everyone looked like and he couldn’t wait for everything to just go back to the way it was. Of course Mac knew that wasn’t going to happen, he didn’t know how he’d even react to being in a hospital room, he’d spent most of his six months in a small cage, having a whole room was going to be an adjustment.

They reached medical quickly, Jack keeping away from prying eyes as much as possible, they were greeted by Dr Fray and a nurse Jack couldn’t remember the name of.

“Can you lay him down,” Dr Fray asked, indicating the bed in the middle of the room.

Jack did as he was asked, laying Mac on his side when he remembered that his back seem to be bothering him. Hating himself when he pried Mac’s hands away from their grip. He kept hold of one of his hands though, he didn’t want to be parted from him.

“I’m not leaving kiddo, but the doc needs to check on you,” Jack reassured, turning to the doctor. “His back is hurting, I’m not sure what damage there is. The only other thing to mention is he’s as thin as a rake, probably thinner.”

Dr Fray nodded. “Mac, it’s Dr Fray. Would you be ok if we gave you a quick exam?”

Mac nodded, knowing that it was coming and knowing what their reactions would be to his body, even though he hadn’t looked in a mirror he knew that like Jack said he was as thin as a rake, his back was likely a mess and he wasn’t sure what injuries he might be forgetting.

“Can you sit up so I can remove your shirt?” Dr Fray asked, taking out some scissors, he figured it would be easier than Mac lifting his arms.

Mac tried to push himself up, grateful when Jack helped, leaning against his friend once he was upright. He flinched when the doctor started to cut the top, flashing back to his father removing his clothes before he was whipped.

There was a sharp intake of breath when the occupants of the room saw the extent of the weight loss, Mac looked like he’d been starved. There were also obvious signs of needle marks. There were bruises over his torso, although most of them had faded, the doctor felt Mac’s ribs, feeling instantly that there were some broken ones. Satisfied for now Dr Fray turned to his back, managing to keep in the curse as he saw the damage.

“Mac, I’m gonna need you to lie on you front so I can have a proper look at your back. Jack can help you.”

Jack immediately helped Mac lie down, not like the doctor able to hold back. “Son of a bitch.”

Mac flinched, his breath hitching, tears forming again, he knew Jack wasn’t angry at him, but it was hard to listen to.

“I’m sorry Mac, I’m sorry,” Jack repeated, seeing the kid shaking. He ran his fingers through Mac’s hair, wanting to calm him down.

Jack was sick, the kid’s back was an absolute mess, it didn’t look like one inch of it was spared from the attacks, because it was obvious to anyone that there had been more than one. He saw old scars, likely from when Mac had first been taken, to the recent ones that had only just happened.

“Mac I’d like to give you some pain medication, but until I know what drugs are in your system I’m afraid I can’t,” Dr Fray said, gathering supplies to start cleaning Mac’s back. “I’m sorry but this is going to be painful.”

Mac tensed, hating the feeling of his cuts being cleaned, his father was usually rough when he did it and Mac normally passed out. He was sure that the doctor would be gentler, but he was still ready for pain. He wasn’t disappointed, gripping Jack’s hand hard when he offered it, crying out a couple of times. Finally, it was over, and Mac was panting, feeling dizzy, he stayed exactly where he was, he didn’t want to move for a while.

“I’m sorry Mac, but now that those wounds are cleaned everything looks good for now, we might have to clean them again tomorrow,” Dr Fray said, taking off his gloves. “There’s only one more thing I need and then I’ll let you rest. I need to take some blood, so I know what drugs you’ve been given, I’ll insert a canula and then we won’t have to put in anymore needles.”

Mac nodded again, interested himself to know what medications he’d been receiving, he had some ideas but couldn’t know for sure. He felt himself be turned so he was laying on his side, the doctor taking his hand to insert the canula, drawing a couple of vials of blood and then covering Mac with a light blanket.

Mac drifted off to sleep once that was done, for the first time in six months not worrying about what was going to happen when he woke up.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say that I'm not a medical professional, anything I've written is from imagination or google. Sorry if anything I write is inaccurate, please feel free to correct me if you know something is wrong.

Jack walked away from Mac when he saw that he’d fallen asleep, wanting to talk to the doctor. “How is he, really?”

“His back is a mess as you probably saw, once it’s started to heal we’ll have to check to make sure there hasn’t been any muscle or nerve damage. The bruises and broken ribs will heal on their own,” Dr Fray started, shaking his head when he thought about what his patient had been through. “My main concern is his weight, if we don’t start getting in nutrients I’m worried that it’s gonna put a strain on his organs, I can’t believe he’s still functioning.”

“The bastard must have been starving him!” Jack exclaimed; his anger evident.

“It certainly looks that way, if not completely refusing food then he certainly didn’t give him much.”

Jack let the man go, the doctor wanting to get the blood to the lab quickly, they needed to know if Mac had anything dangerous in his system. He went back to Mac’s bedside, sitting down on a chair and pulling out his phone, sending a message of update to the others. They all wanted to come rushing to see their friend but knew that it would probably be too overwhelming. Matty had already made a call to Vanessa and she was on her way.

Jack sighed, staring at his kid even though he knew it was creepy, he still thought that he would close his eyes and find this was all a dream. Not wanting to take his eyes off Mac just in case. He sat there staring for at least an hour and the kid never twitched, Jack found it unsettling, Mac was never still even when he was asleep.

He would find out that evening that it was because of the drugs in Mac’s system, Dr Fray had been outraged at the cocktail running through the kid’s body, telling Jack that they would have to wean him off each drug, because his body had become reliant on them.

“So, he’s still gonna be given whatever his father cooked up?” Jack asked, hating the idea.

“Unfortunately, there’s no way for him to go cold turkey, the state he’s in it would likely kill him,” Dr Fray replied. “If I lower the dose each time then within a few weeks he should be completely free of them.”

Jack’s eyes were wide to think that Mac could die if he didn’t get the drugs, James probably getting him hooked so Mac was reliant on him. The poor kid couldn’t catch a break.

“I’m going to start Mac on two IV’s, one with normal fluids and the other a vitamin drip, it’s the fastest way to get some nutrients into his system. I’m worried that his body won’t take in too much more food, it’s probably gotten used to the small meals and we need to trick it back into thinking it needs more.”

“So how do we do that doc?”

“Mac needs to eat little and often, I’m also going to prescribe nutritional drinks, they’re like a milkshake but contain vitamins and minerals the body needs. Even if Mac doesn’t want to eat, we’ll need to encourage him.”

“I can do that,” Jack responded, making a mental note.

Later that evening and Mac was awake, staring at Jack a little like Jack had earlier.

“Hey kiddo, you feel ok?”

Mac nodded, feeling warm and safe, the bed was great on his aching body, the hard floor had been horrible at first but he had gotten used to it, fearing that he wouldn’t be able to sleep in a bed, thankfully that wasn’t the case. “Safe.”

“Yeah you are,” Jack replied. “You think you can say a bit more?”

Mac shook his head; he was so used to not talking and even the few words he was saying were difficult to get out. If he thought back, he was sure in the last two weeks he’d only said about three words and two of them had been the other day when he’d met the newest people his father wanted to work with.

“That’s ok buddy, you don’t need to talk if you don’t want to,” Jack said, upset that Mac didn’t want to speak.

“Can’t,” Mac managed to get out, tears in his eyes, he didn’t want Jack to think he wasn’t trying.

Jack was shocked at Mac’s response, not sure what he meant, comforting him instantly when he started to cry. “Hey kiddo, it’s ok, we’ll have loads of time to talk.”

Mac closed his eyes, leaning into Jack’s touch, he really hoped his friend was right. He opened his eyes again, realising that he needed to empty his bladder and not knowing where to go. After telling Jack he couldn’t talk asking him where the bathroom was didn’t feel like a good idea. He looked around, trying to remember if the rooms had them.

“You need something?” Jack asked, seeing Mac’s brow furrow.

“Toilet.”

“I’ll help you,” Jack said, knowing the kid wasn’t feeling strong.

They managed to get to the door of the bathroom without too much trouble, Jack leaving Mac to handle the rest, waiting by the door. He’d offer the kid a shower, but he didn’t think he would be able to stand for long enough. Looking up he saw a nurse bringing in some food.

“Dr Fray wants to start MacGyver on something light, there’s soup and a fruit cup,” the nurse said. “Did you want me to bring you something?”

“I’m good thanks, I’ll make sure he eats it,” Jack replied, thinking he’d message one of the others to bring him some food.

As he was contemplating it Mac arrived back at the door, he once again helped him and settled him in the bed, pushing a pillow behind Mac’s back to help with the pain.

“There’s some food here bud, think you can manage it?” Jack asked, pushing the tray so it was nearer.

Mac frowned, he’d eaten that morning and wasn’t due any food for another day at least, he was used to not eating a lot, unsure if his body would even take in anymore. He looked at Jack, hoping that he’d understand when he shook his head.

“Kiddo, I know James didn’t let you eat a lot, I don’t know how it worked but you’re not there anymore so you can eat however much you like,” Jack said, hoping that Mac would take that as a sign he could start eating.

Mac still shook his head, feeling scared, not of anything his father might say, but of not being able to keep the food down, he flashed back to a day when his father had made him eat more than normal.

“I’ve got an important job for you today and I need you at full strength, you need to eat all of this and expect it gone when I come back this afternoon,” James had said, passing through a tray with items on it.

Mac had looked at it in shock, this was probably three days’ worth of meals in one, he wasn’t sure if his body could handle it, but James was already walking away.

He started to eat, managing half before he stopped, his father had said that it needed to be gone by the afternoon so he didn’t need to eat it all at once, he laid down, hoping he could finish it later. A couple of hours later and Mac tried again, only managing a few more bits before he felt sick, he pushed the rest away.

“I said all of it!” James had exclaimed when he came back, unlocking the door. “Eat it, now.”

Mac was still feeling sick, he knew that if he ate anymore that he would throw up, so he shook his head, bad idea.

James became angry, pushing Mac into the cage wall, he grabbed something off the tray and forced Mac’s mouth open, pushing it in.

“Eat it.”

Mac didn’t have any choice, eating everything his father pushed into his mouth, swallowing it and trying to breathe through the nausea. After the second thing was finished and a third was being pushed against his teeth he tried to shake his father off, that just earned him a hard slap to the face. When he still didn’t eat his father rammed his fist hard into his stomach and Mac lost his battle, he threw up, all over himself and James.

The next hour was spent being stripped and hosed down and then beaten, thrown back into his cage and the door slammed behind him.

“You’ll regret this Angus, this job was important and you’re in no state to do it,” James cried, pacing outside the bars. “Don’t expect to be fed again anytime soon if this is how you behave.”

Mac had curled into a ball, crying, it wasn’t his fault that he had been sick, his crazy father obviously didn’t see it that way, storming out of the room, not returning until three days later.

Mac was breathing heavily, the flashback making him more upset, he pushed the tray away and curled up on his side. He wouldn’t eat, he didn’t want to be sick again like that, it was awful, and he hadn’t been fed for four days. His father had brought his medication on the third day, usually bringing food as well, his father told him he still didn’t deserve any. The next afternoon he’d brought something small, saying that it would have to do, and that Mac should be grateful.

“Ok bud don’t get upset, it’s just some soup. You can manage that right?” Jack asked, shocked that the sight of food was having such a bad reaction.

Mac shook his head again harder, crying and shaking, why didn’t Jack understand.

“Mac, calm down. It’s ok, you don’t have to eat it. I’ll take it away ok.”

Jack pushed the tray back to the end of the bed, covering the dish back up and going back to Mac, running his hands through his hair and down his arm, whispering assurances and wiping his tears away. Mac’s breathing soon evened out and Jack realised he’d fallen asleep again, he wasn’t surprised, the kid had worked himself into a state, all over some food.

Jack sat backwards, running his hands down his face, hopefully missing one meal wouldn’t hurt, although they had no idea the last time Mac had eaten. Vanessa was coming in the morning, maybe she would have some ideas about what to do. They had to come up with a plan or Mac was going to waste away.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to update, got distracted by another bit of writing. Enjoy

“It’s good to see you Mac, I’m so pleased that you’re back,” Vanessa said smiling, sitting beside his bed. “I’m gonna try and help you as much as I can. Before we talk about anything else. Can you tell me why you don’t want to eat?”

Vanessa had been briefed by Dr Fray and Jack on Mac’s condition, their two main concerns his lack of weight and the fact he hadn’t said much since he’d been found. Vanessa wasn’t too concerned about the talking, although it would help so they could find out some of what he’d been through. James was dead and there didn’t seem to be a lot of evidence at the farm, so they were all a little in the dark.

Mac looked over at Vanessa, he was happy to see her, but it also felt incredibly strange, having only been in contact with his father and a few random people for the last six months, suddenly seeing all the people he knew was overwhelming. He took a deep breath, wanting to make her understand without saying too much.

“Want to, can’t.” Mac sighed, hoping that was enough.

Vanessa frowned; Mac’s speech worse than she’d thought. “So, you’re happy to eat but you don’t think you can?”

Mac nodded, looking at his breakfast, maybe he could manage something, it had been twenty-four hours since he’d last had a meal and it did look tempting.

“Is it because you don’t think your body will tolerate the food?”

Mac smiled nodding again, he knew Vanessa would understand, she always seemed to know what Mac was thinking.

“Ok, we can work with that,” Vanessa said, glad that Mac’s issue wasn’t with not wanting to eat or not thinking he was allowed like the last time. “I’ll have Dr Fray come and speak to you, we need to build you up Mac and eating regularly will help.”

Mac thought for a minute and then pulled the tray towards him, fidgeting when he couldn’t decide if he wanted to risk being sick.

“Mac, you decide how much you eat, no one is going to force you,” Vanessa stated, although she knew if Mac didn’t start eating soon they may have to take more drastic measures. “Even some of this breakfast would be a start.”

Jack chose that moment to walk in, he’d been cleaning himself up and having breakfast of his own, not wanting to eat in front of Mac if he didn’t have to. He thought it would give Vanessa and Mac some time to chat as well.

“Hey buddy, you enjoying that?” Jack asked as he sat on the edge of Mac’s bed.

“Mac was just going to try to eat something, I told him he didn’t have to finish it,” Vanessa replied for Mac, knowing that he wouldn’t speak. “I’m gonna go and find Dr Fray, I’ll be back in a bit.”

Now that Jack was back, and Mac seemed to want to eat she felt she needed to speak to her colleague about Mac’s situation. They needed to come up with a plan that they all felt comfortable with, especially Mac. She also wanted to get permission to bring Lola into medical, knowing that Mac would be eager to see her and thinking that the dog would be able to help where she and the others couldn’t.

Back in Mac’s room and Jack was encouraging his friend to eat as much as he could, not pushing but hoping for the best.

Mac ate a few bites of the porridge, wincing when he found it to be cold but not wanting it to go to waste. He realised suddenly that he had pushed the food away yesterday, not thinking about how wasteful that was. James had drummed into him that food cost money and that it was to be respected, wasting any was unacceptable which was part of the reason Mac didn’t get a lot. He immediately grabbed the bowl and hurried to finish it, he was being given this food and he wouldn’t disappoint anyone by pushing it away again, even if it did make him sick.

“Woah slow down there hoss, it’s not going anywhere!” Jack exclaimed, gently stopping Mac’s hand when he raised the spoon to his mouth. He was concerned at the sudden turn around. “What’s happening? Talk to me bud.”

“Can’t waste,” Mac replied, not understanding why Jack was preventing him from eating when he’d been so determined before.

“Don’t force yourself because you think it’ll be wasted kiddo, you need to do what’s right for you,” Jack said taking the bowl, noticing straightaway that the food was cold. “Oh Mac, it’s freezing, that can’t have been nice to eat.”

Mac shrugged his shoulders, it wasn’t the first time he’d eaten cold food, sometimes his father had brought his meal to him after it had already gone cold and Mac couldn’t be picky. It was either eat cold food or go without and if he left it James would only get angry.

“How about you eat the pudding and we’ll leave this porridge. It’s ok, there’s not much left.”

Mac took the pudding, peeling off the lid and eating it slowly. Afterwards he settled back against the pillows, wincing when he moved wrong and the wounds on his back pulled.

As if he was called by Mac’s pain Dr Fray walked in, glad to see his patient awake and eating.

“Good morning Mac, how are you feeling?”

“Ok.”

“He’s in pain doc, can he have something?” Jack responded, knowing that Mac wouldn’t ask.

“Is your back bothering you Mac?” Dr Fray asked, coming forward.

Mac nodded, quietly glad Jack had spoken up, he hadn’t had any pain relief since his father had given him the punishment and he really could use something.

“I’ll get you something,” the doctor replied. “I see you’ve managed to eat, that’s good, we’ll try something light again at lunch.”

Mac’s eyes widened, he couldn’t eat again at lunch, that was too much, would the doctor expect him to eat at every mealtime.

“Have you spoken to Vanessa?” Jack asked, noticing Mac’s anxiety.

“No, was she looking for me?”

“Left about ten minutes ago, you must have missed each other,” Jack replied, taking Mac’s hand and rubbing soothing circles across it.

Dr Fray nodded, realising that he’d missed something, and it seemed to be connected to Mac eating, he moved to the door. “I’ll grab those painkillers and see if I can find out where Vanessa is.”

“It’s ok kiddo, Vanessa will talk to the doc and we’ll sort something out. I wish you could talk to me and tell me what’s going through that head of yours.”

“Maybe he could write it down,” a voice said from the doorway. It was the nurse coming to collect the breakfast things.

Jack felt like an idiot, why didn’t he think of that. He smiled at the nurse; she was a genius.

“What do ya think Mac, can you write down what’s going on in that brain of yours?”

Mac frowned, unsure. It felt stupid but he hadn’t written anything in such a long time he was scared that he wouldn’t be able to.

“How about a tablet?” Nurse to the rescue again. “Might be easier than writing.”

Mac smiled, that was a good idea, maybe Riley could bring him something, he really wanted to see her and the others. “Riley?”

Jack looked suddenly at Mac, was he asking to see Riley or just that talking about tech reminded him of her. “You want her to bring you something?”

Mac nodded, closing his eyes trying to get a few more words out and struggling.

“Maybe Boze too?” Jack asked, as if he was reading Mac’s mind, smiling when Mac nodded. “I’ll text them, get them to come in when they get here.”

Satisfied that she’d helped the nurse left, she had always taken a shine to Mac, glad that he was home, everyone from techs to medical personal had been worried sick about him. She passed Dr Fray in the hallway, greeting him as they walked past each other, hurrying to get back to her post when she noticed someone waiting.

One hour later and Riley and Bozer entered medical, eager to come when they’d received the message from Jack, he’d given them the heads up so they knew Mac wasn’t talking much, that’s what the laptop in Riley’s hand was for. They approached his room cautiously, not sure what his response was going to be, they didn’t have to worry as soon as they came in Mac smiled, he was obviously happy to see them.

Mac couldn’t believe Riley and Bozer were in front of him, he’d spent so long thinking he wouldn’t see any of his family again and now two more were with him. He hugged them both tightly when they got closer, reluctant to let go, like they’d disappear if he did.

“It’s so good to see you Mac,” Riley said, wiping away the tears that leaked from her eyes. She couldn’t believe how bad he looked, despite Jack’s warning. “I’ve brought you a laptop, wanna give it a try?”

Mac nodded, hoping it would help him communicate better, Vanessa had approved of the idea, although she asked that he try speaking when he felt he could.

“Alright, should we set up something, so it talks while you write,” Bozer suggested, holding his hands up when they all glared at him. “Ok, maybe not.”

He too was happy to see Mac, it felt so weird after all that time to have his friend in front of him, he hoped he wouldn’t act too awkward, he didn’t want Mac to feel he wasn’t wanted.

“Well what are you gonna say bud,” Jack asked, as Mac sat with the computer in front of him.

Mac frowned, he wasn’t sure, there was so much that he wanted to say but he settled for something simple.

*I’m glad to be home, missed you guys*

“We missed you too kiddo, wasn’t the same without you,” Jack responded, getting a little teary eyed, squeezing his friends’ hand when he passed it over.

“Yeah man, it’s been too long,” Bozer added, putting his hand on Mac’s knee, needing to feel that his friend was there and it wasn’t his imagination running wild.

“Sorry,” Mac spoke, hating that his friends were upset.

“You’ve nothing to be sorry about!” Riley exclaimed, holding back from saying anything else, namely that it was his fathers’ fault and she was glad he was dead. She wasn’t even sure that Jack had told him.

“Yeah hoss, none of this is your fault,” Jack said.

Mac knew deep down that it wasn’t his fault, his father had caused it all, but he hated that his friends had been through months of hell for him. His hand hovered over the keys, wanting desperately to explain himself but knowing what to say.

“So, Lola misses you,” Bozer said, breaking the tense silence.

Mac’s head went up and he smiled, god he missed his dog, what he wouldn’t give to have her here now with him.

*Can’t wait to see her. How is she?*

“She’s ok, she’s grown, she’s not quite as hyper as she was before but it’s still there,” Bozer replied, hating himself when he saw Mac’s expression. “I’m sorry Mac, six months is a long time.”

Mac nodded, he knew that it was inevitable that things had changed, after all as Bozer had said six months is a long time, but hearing that Lola was bigger and was different made him sad, what if she didn’t recognise him. He pushed the laptop away and sank down onto the bed, suddenly feeling extremely depressed, closing his eyes when he felt tears coming.

“I’m sorry Mac, I didn’t mean to upset you,” Bozer said, getting up, unsure what to do.

Mac heard some whispering and then Riley and Bozer were saying goodbye and he felt Jack come around, so he was sitting on the bed next to him. He felt him run his fingers through his hair.

“It’s ok kiddo, things will get better, everyone just needs some time,” Jack spoke, closing his eyes too when his emotions got the best of him. He couldn’t stand to watch his kid like he was, see him cry and curl in on himself.

“Sad?” Mac asked, a hand reaching up to brush away a tear on Jack’s cheek.

“Yeah bud, I’m sad. It’s ok though, we’ll be sad together ok.”

Mac nodded, holding Jack’s hand and letting the fingers in his hair lull him to sleep. Hopefully when he woke up he would be feeling better, he was sick of feeling weak all the time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case people didn't understand and thought Mac was talking the * meant it was typed.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this took so long to come up, time just seemed to get away from me.   
> Warning, some scenes of torture/violence in this chapter.

There was a shake ready for Mac when he woke up next, it was one of the first things he noticed, apart from Jack sitting in a chair by his bed.

Earlier they had all come to a decision about his eating, Vanessa and Dr Fray discussing it and then speaking to Mac about it. He was to eat a small meal for breakfast and dinner and then have a shake for lunch. Once his body could tolerate more, the meals would get bigger and a second shake would be added to lunch, they would then go from there. He was told that anytime he felt hungry he should ask for something, they wanted him to eat as much as possible and it didn’t matter if that was between meals.

Mac wasn’t sure that would happen, he often felt hungry but was never able to eat until he was given food by his father, it had become a habit that he wasn’t sure he could break. Even having two meals and a shake a day seemed too much, but he would try. He reached for the shake, noticing it was strawberry and took a sip, slightly unsure how it would taste.

“Hey buddy, you sleep well,” Jack asked, sitting forward.

Mac nodded, drinking the shake, enjoying it. All he’d had in the way of drink for six months was water and orange juice, it was nice to have something different. The shake was gone within minutes and he smiled, he wouldn’t mind having more of those.

“Wow, you enjoyed that,” Jack said, after Mac had finished. “Do you want another one?”

Mac thought about it but shook his head, better not have more than one, it was foreign to his body and he wasn’t sure it would be excepted. He’d wait and see, then maybe he’d have more later.

Vanessa came in a while later while Jack and Mac were playing a game of checkers, Mac was doing surprisingly well seeing as he couldn’t remember the last time he played.

“Am I interrupting?” she asked.

“Nah doc, this one’s beating me, I think it’s time to admit defeat,” Jack replied, pushing the game back into the box and putting it away for later. “You want me to leave?”

“No, I’m happy for you to stay. If Mac is.”

Mac looked confused, not sure why Jack would be leaving.

“Doc wants to have a chat Mac; do you want me to go?”

“Stay,” Mac said, feeling a little lost when Jack wasn’t there.

Jack nodded, sitting back down next to the bed, Vanessa taking the other side.

“I want to talk to you about some of what happened while you’ve been gone,” Vanessa started, getting out a notebook. “I’m happy for you to type your answers out, although if you can talk that would be good too.”

Mac nodded, getting his laptop ready, he was nervous, not sure what Vanessa wanted to discuss. He’d rather just forget the last six months even happened and move on, but he knew that would never happen. He sighed and turned to his doctor, as ready as he’d ever be.

“Ok Mac, take your time, I’d like to talk about your father,” Vanessa said, knowing that they’d need to break his death to Mac sooner rather than later. “Do you feel differently about him this time? Before after he’d taken you, it was clear that you thought he was trying to keep you safe and what he was doing was in your best interest.”

Mac began typing immediately, he didn’t have to worry about that part of the conversation.

*He’s crazy and I know I didn’t deserve what he did to me. He wasn’t protecting me he said he owned me, and I was his to do with as he pleased*

“So, you were his property? Is that why he kept you locked up?”

Mac nodded. “Yes.”

Jack clenched his fists, not sure he could sit through this without speaking, but not wanting to leave Mac when he clearly wanted him there. He was glad that James was dead, although part of him wished the man were alive so he could kill him again.

“Did you stay in that cage a lot?” Vanessa asked, having seen pictures of it and praying she was wrong.

*Most of the time, James only let me out for a few reasons*

“The whole time you were there?”

“Yes,” Mac replied, ducking his head, he felt ashamed that they knew he’d basically lived in a cage like an animal.

“It’s ok Mac, none of this is your fault. You had no control about where you were and what happened to you.”

*It hurts to know my own father treated me like that. Like I was just something he owned, that he took out when he needed it*

“It’s good that you don’t believe that was what you were, that you’re a person, not a piece of property. You’re free of that now and we can start to move forward.”

Mac nodded, pleased he hadn’t been broken so badly that he thought he was only property, although he was scared to admit there had been times it crossed his mind. That maybe his father was right and that he did have the right to treat Mac the way he did.

“Mac, I want to ask you about your back,” Vanessa said, seeing Mac tense. “Your father whipped you?”

“Yes.”

“Can you tell me how many times?”

Mac paused before he spoke, technically it was four times, but once by Victor. “Three.”

Jack sucked in a breath, not only had his kid had been whipped by his father, it had happened three times. What bastard does that to his own son.

“Did you deserve to be punished like that?” Vanessa asked, her expression steady even when she felt Jack swear and Mac look at her, breathing quickening. “Mac?”

Mac wasn’t sure he’d heard Vanessa right, why would she ask that, maybe she secretly thought his father was right to whip him and was checking to see what Mac thought, testing him.

*No, it wasn’t my fault, I didn’t do anything wrong*

“Good Mac, I’m sorry to ask but I had to be sure you knew it was wrong,” Vanessa’s expression softened, a hand going to Mac’s arm to reassure him.

Mac breathed a sigh of relief, not knowing why he thought those things, expect he did, deep down he did think he deserved the punishment. His father had told him so many times what a disappointment he was, how pathetic and weak. How if he were just better then he wouldn’t have to hurt him, maybe some of that was true.

*James always blamed me when he hurt me, told me I should do better and then he wouldn’t have to punish me. Sometimes I believed him* Mac turned the computer so Vanessa could see, biting his lip for her reaction.

“It’s totally natural Mac, you were constantly being told hurtful things and you had no way to get away from it. You shouldn’t feel badly about that.”

Mac breathed a sigh of relief, pleased that Vanessa didn’t think he was crazy.

“We’ll revisit this later. Can we talk about food? I’d like to know how often you ate?”

*Unless he had a reason not to James gave me food every other day*

Vanessa nodded, so Mac had missed meals three days a week. “And you ate often on those days?”

Mac shook his head. *One meal a day*

Vanessa looked down at her notes to stop herself from looking too shocked, no wonder Mac was skin and bones, his father had given him the bare minimum. She was surprised that Mac had even survived for six months.

*There were times I went days without food though when James was angry*

Vanessa nodded, thinking it couldn’t get any worse. “You had plenty to drink though?”

*I was always given something to drink with food and I was allowed a bottle of water on the days I didn’t eat*

Writing in her notebook once more she sighed, they had to make sure Mac was drinking enough as well as eating, she didn’t imagine the bottle he was given was large, so he had less fluids than was recommended, a lot less.

“One last question and then we’ll talk again tomorrow. Can you tell me about talking? Are there any reasons behind not speaking?”

*James didn’t like me speaking unless he asked a direct question. But most of the time I was alone, no one to talk to so I didn’t speak. I think I’ve got so used to not talking that I’m scared to*

“It will get better Mac, I’m going to arrange for you to see a speech therapist, they help all sorts of people. They’ll help you get your confidence back and hopefully you’ll be talking as much as you did before.”

“Which wasn’t much,” Jack inputted, smiling, wanting to lighten the mood.

Mac smiled too, grateful that his friend had stayed and hopeful he didn’t get too upset by what was said. Mac hated it when Jack was upset, especially when he was the cause.

Later that day and Dr Fray came back to look at his back and tell him he could have a shower before he rebandaged the wounds. Mac was pleased, he hadn’t had a shower for a few days and was eager to wash up.

“Will you be ok by yourself?” Jack asked, knowing Mac was still unsteady on his feet.

Mac nodded, taking the towel Jack handed him and heading into the bathroom, it was a wet room, there was a shower and a toilet, a couple of shelves holding toiletries. Mac couldn’t remember the last time he used a proper shower and was unsure if he should have it cold like he was used to or warm.

Deciding to turn the hot to see how it felt, he was soon spinning it to cold, he’d gasped and stepped away when the hot water hit his skin, he didn’t like it. He showered quickly under the cold water, wrapping the towel around himself and stepping out of the bathroom.

“That was quick hoss,” Jack said, not even having time to change the bed like the doc had asked him to do.

Mac just stood there looking miserable, shaking as if he was cold. Jack headed over touching the kids’ shoulder and was shocked to find he was freezing.

“What did you do, shower in cold water?” Jack asked, smiling. Realising that it was exactly what Mac had done by the look he’d got. “Why bud?”

Mac shrugged, not sure how to reply.

“Did you shower in cold water, while you were gone?” Jack asked, the words coming out slowly, realising that he had no idea what James had allowed.

Mac nodded, looking around not knowing where to go, the bed was stripped, and the chair was across the room. He swayed a little, feeling weak, Jack grabbed his arm a little tighter than he should have and started to pull Mac to the chair. Mac gasped and shrank away, holding his arm to his chest.

“Kiddo what’s wrong?” Jack asked, scared he’d hurt him.

“Hurts,” Mac replied, it was his bad shoulder.

“I’m sorry bud, I didn’t know. Let’s get you sat down so I can finish this bed. Then we can get you settled, and Dr Fray can come back in.”

Ten minutes later and Mac was sitting up in bed, Dr Fray manoeuvring his shoulder to see what the problem was.

“Mac have you dislocated this shoulder recently?”

Mac nodded.

“And you father put it back in?”

Mac nodded again, knowing before the doctor spoke that there was something wrong with it.

“Well as you’ve probably already figured out that isn’t healing properly. I’d like to get some scans before I decide what to do,” Dr Fray said, knowing that there could be muscles or nerve damage. “I’ll check out your back and then I’ll arrange it.”

Mac nodded for a third time, arranging himself so he was lying on his front, wishing that the doctor didn’t have to touch his wounds.

“I can give you some painkillers Mac, would you’d like some?”

“Please.”

Medication was injected into his canula and Dr Fray soon started to clean the wounds and rebandage them, satisfied that they were healing nicely.

“I’m done Mac,” the doctor said, stepping away. “I’m going to arrange for those scans for the morning. I’ll also be back then to give you your medication, unless you feel you need it now?”

Mac shook his head, he could wait until the next day, the need wasn’t too bad, although he knew by morning he’d be eager for it. It made Mac upset that he still had to have his medications, he knew logically that his body needed them and just because he wasn’t with his father anymore didn’t mean they stopped. But he worried that it would be something he’d have to do for life, even though Dr Fray had explained he’d be weaned off the drugs.

The doctor had explained everything to Mac, telling him exactly what drugs were in his system and what each of them were for. The cocktail was potent, and Dr Fray was surprised that there hadn’t been any side effects.

Mac hadn’t told him about the problems in the beginning, how James was constantly changing the dose until he got it right. How Mac had been curled up in pain some days or almost catatonic on others. His father had been angry that he couldn’t get the dose right, sometimes blaming Mac, as if it was his fault. 

Mac remembered one day above the rest, he’d been given his dose, reluctant because of the way it had made him feel the last time the drugs had been given. James had started to watch him, making notes as if he were conducting an experiment. Every time there was a problem he would sit and write, completely ignoring Mac, even when he pleaded with his father for help.

Only ten minutes had gone by before Mac started to feel something, he started to feel hot and his breathing and heart rate started to climb. He couldn’t sit still and began pacing, getting hotter and more uncomfortable as the minutes went by.

“Water,” he’d begged his father, shaking.

James had ignored him, writing in his book some and then watching once more.

“Please, it’s too hot.”

Mac was on fire, sweating and he couldn’t take it, he removed his clothes and then lay curled up on the floor.

His father approached and opened the cage door, Mac thought he was coming to help but he just stood and watched.

Mac was shaking so much he thought he would break something; it was like his body was trying to get rid of a foreign substance and he supposed it was.

He kept mumbling over and over for his father to help, give him some water, do something but James refused. Shutting the door and leaving, coming back an hour later to check if there had been any change. The hour was the longest of Mac’s life, he felt terrible, so desperately wanting to pass out but for someone reason his body wouldn’t let him. It was a bit like when his father had given him stimulants all those months ago.

When James had returned and opened the door, Mac was on his feet and rushing him before he could think, the adrenaline taking over, his body seeming to be wanting to move even though his mind was so tired. His father subdued him easily, but Mac was still moving, struggling and he was soon pushed to the ground his father on top of him. His wrists were yanked behind him and tied together the same with his ankles, he was then dragged back to his cage and left, James going back to his watching.

Mac’s body shook, desperately trying to move but failing because of the restraints, he cried, his wrists and ankles raw, his mouth so dry. That lasted all day, the late afternoon was when he finally lay still, bleeding from where the rope had become so tight. His eyes were open to slits and his breathing shallow.

James had obviously realised that Mac was in trouble as he removed the ropes and sat him up, pushing water onto his lips and getting him to drink, he then poured cold water over him to cool him down. When Mac came more back to awareness, James was closing the door, he could hear him talking to himself.

“Need to change the dosage, too much of everything, it’ll be better next time.”

Mac slipped to the floor and lay shivering, thinking that the next dose would probably kill him.

Obviously, it hadn’t, luckily the next dose had been better and there was only a couple of changes made before James found the cocktail that was right. Mac knew he needed to explain all this to Dr Fray, hating that the doctor would know what he’d been through. He had worried that what those drugs had done had given him permanent damage, he was hopeful that as it had been five months ago he was in the clear. Better to be safe and tell the doctor, if he needed to run extra tests then it would be better in the long run.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mentions of suicidal thoughts.

Jack was walking towards medical the next morning, having been persuaded to go home for some sleep, he really hoped he didn’t regret it, when he received a message from Matty.

“War room, asap.”

Jack sighed, he really wanted to check on Mac first, but he’d been assured by two different people that he’d be called if there were any problems. Matty said asap so it was obviously urgent, looking longingly at Mac’s room he turned and walked back the way he’d come.

“Can we make this quick Matty, I haven’t seen Mac yet,” Jack said walking into the room. Not realising that there were other people there.

"This is about blondie, but I’ll be as quick as I can,” Matty replied, going over to the windows and frosting them over. “The techs found some interesting things yesterday at the farm.”

“Interesting how?” Riley asked.

“For one they found a body buried on the grounds, killed within the last few months, neck broken, they ran his prints, his name is Victor Loran. We’ve found an old connection to James so looks like they must have had an altercation of some kind.”

She brought up a picture of Victor when he was alive and after he’d been found.

“Ok Matty, I did not need to see that!” Bozer exclaimed, turning away.

“Sorry to upset your delicate system Boze,” Matty said sarcastically.

Everyone smiled, even the two doctors.

“As fascinating as this is, what does this have to do with me?” Dr Fray asked, he was eager to get to his patient.

“The next thing needs your expertise, they found notebooks in James’s workshop, quite a few so it’s taken a while to go through them. One was discovered yesterday that directly relates to Mac, it seems to be a journal of some kind, documenting everything. And I mean everything. We haven’t gone through the whole thing but it’s the best thing we could have found.”

“When you say documents everything?” Vanessa asked, needing specifics.

“It’s day by day, some days have lots of pages others are blank. The first thing that stands out is a list of drugs James was giving Mac and the dosages.”

“That would have come in handy when he first arrived, I’ve already come up with a plan in that regard,” Dr Fray responded.

“You’ll probably want to read through it anyway, although you’ll need a strong stomach,” Matty paused, she’d felt sick when she’d read through some of the pages and she hadn’t even gotten halfway through. “James writes all about the changes he had to make with the medication, he trialled different dosages, different drugs together. There were problems at the beginning.”

“I see, what kind of problems?”

“I won’t go into details, but Mac didn’t have a good first few weeks, every time he was given medication he reacted differently, some worse than others.”

“So, the guy experimented on his own son and then wrote about it in some journal!” Jack exclaimed, he needed to read through that book, see what other things James had done to Mac they didn’t know about.

“It looks that way,” Matty replied, feeling the same as Jack. She wished she’d been the one to pull the trigger, she didn’t think she’d wished someone dead more. “I just wanted you all to be aware, I’m not going to read anymore, and I don’t think any of us should pry without Mac’s permission. Except our two doctors of course.”

Jack began to protest, but a look from Matty stopped him and he backed off, he guessed it was only right. Why should he get to find out everything that happened to Mac without his knowledge, it would be a little like invading his privacy.

They all left the room, agreeing to keep the journal to themselves, Jack and Dr Fray heading to see Mac, Vanessa saying she’d be in later, she was going to have a look at the journal now, before she spoke to Mac again.

Walking into Mac’s room Jack held his breath, his mind flashing back to the last time they were there, he sighed when he saw Mac, sitting up in bed eating slowly.

“Morning kiddo, you sleep ok?” Jack said, walking over to the bed.

“Morning,” Mac replied, nodding, he put down the toast he’d been chewing, finding it hard to finish, he was struggling, needing his medication.

“Mac, you ok?” Jack asked, not like the way the kid was sweating.

“Drugs?” Mac said, looking at the doctor.

“Of course, Mac I’m sorry I should have come and given them to you first thing,” Dr Fray replied, kicking himself. He wasn’t sure how bad the withdrawal each time would be, now knowing that Mac needed his next dose sooner rather than later. “I’ll be right back.”

Mac closed his eyes, his stomach not liking the food it had been given, he’d known he should have waited for his pills before eating anything. He put a hand over his mouth, he wasn’t going to be able to stop being sick. Luckily, Jack had noticed and grabbed a bowl from the side, sticking it under Mac’s chin just in time.

“You’re ok buddy, you’re ok,” Jack reassured, running his hand gently up and down Mac’s back.

Moving both when Mac sagged backwards.

“Sorry,” Mac said, tears falling.

“No need to be sorry kiddo,” Jack said, sitting on the side of the bed, watching Mac shaking.

Dr Fray walked back, noticing that his patient had been sick and wasn’t doing well, he immediately handed over the pills with some water, hoping that the dose he had given was ok and that Mac would be able to keep them in his system. He would need to read that journal before this happened again.

Mac sighed when the medication entered his body, tensing when the pain started, it was over in a flash and he felt ten times better, opening his eyes and sitting up.

“That better bud?” Jack asked, already seeing the difference.

Mac nodded, pleased that he’d got the medication in time, he felt bad about wasting his breakfast, but knew that the doctors and Jack wouldn’t make him miss any meals because of it.

“Now that’s done, I need to take you for the scan of your shoulder. Do you feel up to going now?” Dr Fray asked, glad Mac was looking better.

Mac agreed, sitting in the wheelchair when a nurse brought one in, saying bye to Jack and being taken down the hall.

An hour later and they were discussing the results, unfortunately it wasn’t great news.

“Surgery?” Mac asked, not liking the idea.

“Yes, if we don’t then you could lose the use of your arm or your fingers. Sooner rather than later would be best,” Dr Fray said, including Jack into the conversation.

Mac closed his eyes, knowing that he needed to have the surgery but scared at the same time, why did his father have to let those men hurt him, it was their fault he was in this situation.

“Do it.”

Dr Fray nodded. “I’ll make some calls, bring in the best surgeon to deal with this.”

The doctor headed out and Mac curled himself on his side, he felt incredibly depressed again and he didn’t like it, it was like it came over him in waves, wanting to pull him down.

“That was a lot to take in kiddo, why don’t you get some sleep. You might feel better,” Jack said, noticing that his friend wasn’t doing too well.

Mac closed his eyes, a few tears leaking out, maybe it would have been better if he hadn’t come back, would have been better if Jack had been too late and he’d already killed himself. He didn’t know why he was thinking these things, but they wouldn’t go away. He fell asleep, convinced it would be better for everyone if he didn’t wake up.

Down the hall in an office Vanessa had been loaned, she had started reading the journal that James had kept, already not liking what she was reading.

*Monday Subject has been given the first drug combination, Lithium 300mg, Paroxetine 10mg, Adderall 50mg, Xanax 0.5mg. Subject fought, was uncompliant and had to be forced. Subject injected with light sedatives, needle had to be placed in his neck, pills then forced into his mouth and the medication forced to be swallowed. Subject was affected minimally after the drugs were administered. Will change the dosage for next time*

*Wednesday Subject has been given the second drug combination, Lithium 400mg, Paroxetine 20mg, Adderall 55mg, Xanax 1.5mg. Subject again injected with light sedatives before the pills were given to make him more agreeable. Subject reacted badly to this combination. Subject was watched throughout the day, 10am itching began, 11am subject was pacing and complaining of pain in his joints, 1pm subject had stopped pacing but was still itching, saying his skin was on fire, 3pm itching gets worse, subject scratches until blood is drawn, he says again that his skin is on fire, 4pm subject’s hands are restrained to stop him itching, no other change, 6pm subject seems calmer, 7pm subject’s hands are released itching doesn’t continue. Will have to change dosage again, progress made*

Vanessa sat back, hating that Mac had gone through this, James wasn’t a doctor and had no business experimenting with those sorts of drugs, she was surprised that he hadn’t accidently killed his son.

*Friday Subject has been given the third drug combination, Lithium 600mg, Paroxetine 40mg, Adderall 70mg, Xanax 3mg. Subject again injected with light sedatives before the pills were given to make him more agreeable. Subject reacted differently to the last combination. Subject watched throughout the day, 10am subject becomes still and silent, 11am subject is catatonic will not respond to verbal cues, 1pm subject is still catatonic, will not respond to painful stimuli, 3pm no change in subject, have hit the subject but gotten no response. 4pm still no change, have exposed the subject to loud noises and other stimuli. 6pm subject seems to be coming out of the catatonic state, 7pm subject is aware of stimuli, have tested the theory again with loud noise and pain, subject reacted as normal. Will have to change the dose again, progress made*

There were three more days of dosage changes that Vanessa could work out, before it seemed James got it right.

*Sunday Subject has been given the fourth drug combination, Lithium 550mg, Paroxetine 35mg, Adderall 70mg, Xanax 2.5mg. Subject again injected with light sedatives before the pills were given to make him more agreeable. Subject again had a bad reaction to the combination. Subject watched throughout the day, 10am subject began to pace, his breathing picking up, asked for water, 11am subject had complained it was too hot and removed his clothing, laying on the floor, 1pm subject still the same, but then attacks when the cage door is opened. Subject is soon subdued, restrained both wrists and ankles and put back for further study, 3pm no change, except more agitated, 4pm no change, 6pm subject goes still and breathing slows to be shallow. 7pm subject in need of assistance restraints removed, water given, and subject cooled down. Will have to change dose again, progress made*

Vanessa stopped, needing to control her emotions, it seemed that Mac had come close to being in really trouble after that last dose. She dreaded reading anymore.

*Tuesday Subject has been given the fifth drug combination, Lithium 550mg, Paroxetine 30mg, Adderall 60mg, Xanax 2mg. Subject again injected with light sedatives before the pills were given to make him more agreeable. Unfortunately, subject unreceptive, injection and drugs had to be forced on him. 10am subject laid on the floor, closing his eyes, 11am no change, 1pm still no change, subject made to get up, unable to make observation in that state. 3pm subject tries to lay down again but is not allowed, 4pm subject up and pacing, 6pm subject unresponsive but not catatonic, subject exposed to stimuli to check alertness, 7pm no change but subject reacted to all stimuli. Dose almost right, one more correction should be need*

*Thursday Correct dosage has been found, subject has handled the drug combination acceptably on Saturday and Monday, will keep watch and change any dosages as necessary*

Vanessa put down the journal and got up, heading to see how her patient was doing, she would continue to read the pages later. She was glad in a way that James had been so clinical, it meant that she could get the information she needed, unfortunately it was also hard to read because of that, Mac while being her patient had become her friend and she’d been there for the team while he was missing. She was still able to do her job exactly as she should, this time she was just a little more invested.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what combinations of those drugs would do, I am not a doctor and not a lot you can get from google. I wanted to use real drugs and did research a little, but mostly made it up. This is fiction after all. Hopefully it won't upset anyone that might actually be a medical professional.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I'm so sorry for the long wait, I've not been well and haven't really had the motivation for writing. I've hardly even been on the site. I'm uploading two chapters now and I'll try and put another one up after the weekend.

To say Jack was concerned about Mac was an understatement, the kid was obviously struggling with absolutely everything and now to top it all off he needed to have surgery. Jack knew it hadn’t been long since they’d rescued Mac and that he couldn’t expect miracles. In some ways Mac was better than he was the last time his father had taken him; in other ways he was worse. Jack sighed thinking of what the kid must have gone through, alone and locked in a small space for so long, not having anything to occupy his mind or hands. It must have been torture, Mac was so active, he’d got back into running and doing experiments before he’d gone missing, Jack wondered if the kid would ever get back to that again.

Jack also thought of all the things they still didn’t know; six months was a long time and the things Jack’s mind was making up could scare someone. He couldn’t help Mac if he didn’t know how, but he knew there would be things that Mac might never tell them.

He watched the kid sleep, knowing that it wasn’t as peaceful as it looked, there were signs that Mac was having nightmares, a slightly furrowed brow, moving fingers, his breathing just a little faster than normal. Jack expected that the kid had regular nightmares, anyone would in that situation, unsure if they had ever stopped. He didn’t wake Mac, he wouldn’t disturb his sleep unless he had to, if he woke the kid up whenever he had a nightmare the poor guy would be sleep deprived.

Jack flashed back to a month before Mac had been taken for the second time, he’d been over at Mac’s after they’d stayed up late having a Die-Hard marathon.

“Please, don’t, I’ll be good,” Mac cried, thrashing about in the bed.

Jack approached with caution, knowing that either Mac would come awake swinging, or he would react badly to Jack’s touch. “Mac, it’s just a dream kiddo, wake up.”

“STOP, stop please,” Mac continued to shout, tears falling and his breathing fast. He screamed and then shot up, scrambling to get away from the figure in front of him.

“Hey, kiddo it’s ok, it’s just Jack,” Jack responded to Mac’s anxiety, sitting carefully on the edge of the bed.

“J..Jack?” Mac questioned, still seeing his father and not being to shake the fear.

“Yeah, that’s me.”

Mac soon moved forward, slowly touching Jack to make sure he was real, pushing himself closer once he felt safer. Jack opened his arms, ready for the hug he knew would come, Mac would usually seek that comfort after a bad nightmare. Lola had also appeared, crawling onto Mac’s lap, being there when he needed her.

“I’m sorry,” Mac said, grabbing onto Jack and pushing his face into his chest.

“None of that, you know I never wanna hear you apologise,” Jack replied, keeping his tone light, knowing how Mac would react to the slightest sound of anger.

They stayed quiet for a few minutes, each happy to stay the way they were, one of Mac’s hands stroking Lola, a rhythm that calmed him down.

“You wanna tell me about it?” Jack asked, knowing that Vanessa advised Mac to talk about his nightmares as soon as he could.

Mac sat back, keeping a grip of Jack shirt. “James was putting me in the hole for the first time.”

Jack nodded, knowing all about the space in the floor Mac had been forced into.

“What happened?” Jack asked, even though he knew, Mac had told them about that first experience.

“James told me he had to go out, he told me there was a special place I had to stay while he was gone. When he showed me I freaked out, it was so small and I knew it would probably be a while before he came back,” Mac paused. “James wasn’t happy, yelled that I should know better than to disobey him, he grabbed me and tried to force me down and I struggled, a lot.”

“It’s ok bud, take your time,” Jack said, coming a little closer.

“It didn’t take long for him to get me on the floor, he punched me hard in the face and then kicked me in the side, grabbed my wrists and locked them together before I had the chance to know it was happening. I begged him to stop, pleaded with him not to put me in there. I shouldn’t have, it just made it worse. He hit me a few more times and then put a blindfold on, put a gag in so tight I thought I’d suffocate,” Mac was crying by this point, leaning against Jack again. “He said he was disappointed in me and that we would discuss punishment when he got back. I felt a needle in my neck and was pleased, can you believe that! I could tell when he shut the lid, even though I couldn’t see.”

“A sedative would have been calming, there’s no reason why being pleased was a bad thing kiddo, you said it put you to sleep, that was better than you awake and panicking.”

Mac nodded, knowing that they’d had that conversation before, he’d had the nightmare a few times, knowing what had brought it on.

“It was the store cupboard at the lab,” Mac said, carrying on when Jack got confused. “I got locked in today, it’s small and I started panicking. Boze got me out quick, but I think it made me go back to that hole. That’s why I had the nightmare.”

Jack nodded understanding Mac’s need to explain, he hadn’t had any bad nightmares for a while, and he wanted to justify the one he’d just had. “You don’t have to explain hoss, nightmares sometimes come when ya least expect it. You know I’m not gonna be upset when you have one.”

And Mac had a few more as the days went on, Jack knew that they never went away, looking at Mac and realising that maybe he’d had more than he’d let on. He supposed he didn’t tell Mac about all his nightmares, somethings you just had to keep to yourself.

Mac’s eyes opened, scanning the room and calming when he saw where he was, he was in medical and he was safe, he wasn’t back in his cage. He stayed quiet, not wanting to bother Jack, he seemed to be content sitting head back, it looked like maybe he’d fallen asleep too.

Mac thought back to his nightmare, it had been a revisit to the attack that had dislocated his shoulder. He shivered hating that he had to go through that pain again in his nightmares. He clearly remembered every hit and kick that he’d received, every word they said. He remembered looking to his father while they were beating him, praying that he’d step in, all he saw was disappointment on his face and a look that Mac had decided was boredom. His son was being attacked viciously and he was bored.

“That’s enough,” his father had said, and the beating had stopped. Why couldn’t he have said it earlier and then maybe his arm would have been ok.

The look he had given Mac once his arm was back in place was annoyance, as if Mac having an injury made James’s life harder. When he told him that he would remain where he was until he was healed Mac remembered crying, his father didn’t even seem concerned.

“Stop being so weak Angus, I’ll see if I can find something to keep your arm immobile and bring you some painkillers. I expect you to be grateful for my help.”

He’d let two strangers beat him, he’d received a dislocated shoulder and his father wanted him to be grateful that he was helping him. Mac had closed his eyes, blocking the world out and sobbed silently, knowing that he was James’s property and not anything more, there was no reason for him to care.

“Hey bud, you feel better?” Jack asked, bringing him out of his thoughts.

Mac shrugged, he wasn’t feeling better, but he supposed he wasn’t feeling worse, he just felt numb.

Vanessa chose that moment to come through the door, bringing with her Mac’s lunch. “Hey guys, lunchtime,” she said, smiling and holding up the nutritional shake. 

“Hey Vanessa,” Jack replied, looking over at Mac. “Chocolate this time hoss.”

Mac wanted to smile, wanted to say hello but he just didn’t have the energy, so he just stayed where he was, eyes finding Vanessa as she spoke again.

“Not feeling so good Mac?” Vanessa asked, worrying about her patient, when she got no response she carried on. “That’s ok Mac, no one expects you to be better just because you’ve been rescued. It’ll take a lot of time to feel anywhere near normal again. Baby steps, that’s what your recovery will take.”

Mac nodded, knowing he needed to respond somehow, he hoped that Vanessa was right and that he would start to feel better, at the minute those thoughts he’d had earlier were lingering. He should have just killed himself when he had the chance. He closed his eyes and started crying, he shouldn’t think like that, he couldn’t do that to Jack, to Riley and Boze, he had to be stronger.

“Kiddo it’s ok, Vanessa’s right, you’ll get there,” Jack said, scared to see his friend so despondent. He looked to Vanessa for help, not knowing what to do.

“Mac is there something you want to talk about?” Vanessa asked, thinking that was an underlying reason her patient was so upset.

Mac froze, unsure if he should speak, he didn’t want Jack looking at him differently, but he knew he couldn’t stop these thoughts and that he needed help. He managed to get a few words out. “Wanted to… kill myself.”

Jack looked over sharply, sucking in a breath. “What?”

“Mac, did you think about that while you were gone? Or do you still feel that way?” Vanessa asked, knowing that there would be a difference and needing to know how to move forward.

“Still.”

Vanessa nodded, coming over and crouching so that she was eye level with her patient. “I’m glad you told me, and we’re going to help. You’ve been through a lot in the last six months, hell in the last year, anyone would be feeling overwhelmed. Feeling like you want to die because you think it’s better than what you’re going through is a response that is common. I can’t be certain of course but I think that if you wanted to kill yourself deep down that you already would have. I’m sure you’ve had plenty of opportunities and you’re smart enough that you would have thought of a way.”

Mac looked up at that point, his brow furrowing, she was right, even though he’d thought about killing himself many times, he’d never followed through. He didn’t know if that meant he never would, but it made him more hopeful.

“We’ll work through your feelings and I hope that once you start feeling better physically, your mental state will get stronger and those thoughts should go away,” Vanessa rose but added. “I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t have you watched closely for a while. You’ll be supervised by someone, but I’ll make sure that it’s discreet.”

Mac nodded, he knew that it might happen, like she said, she had to do her job. If Mac were honest he didn’t think he’d have the strength to follow through on his thoughts and he knew he’d not get an opportunity. He sat up and took the shake from the table, knowing that if he wanted to stop the bad thoughts he needed to build his body back up, like Vanessa said, if his body healed his mind would hopefully follow.

Later that day Dr Fray returned, with news about Mac’s surgery.

“I’ve made some calls and with permission from the director have a surgeon coming the day after tomorrow,” Dr Fray said, hopeful that his patient would be happy.

Mac nodded, he was feeling a little better after his talk with Vanessa but still numb, he knew that he needed the surgery and that he should be happy the doctor had found someone to do it, but he couldn’t quite make himself smile.

“That’s great doc,” Jack replied, hoping that Mac would start to feel better after the surgery. Knowing that he could lose the use of his arm or hand was probably not helping the emotions he was going through, once those things weren’t a concern it should help.

“I’ve been reading about the initial drugs you were given Mac and I might need to make some adjustments to your dosage, we’ll see how you go over the next few days,” Dr Fray added, not realising that Mac had no idea what he was talking about. “Is something wrong?”

“How?” Mac asked, he hadn’t mentioned anything to the doctor yet.

“I’m sorry Mac, we were gonna tell you earlier. James kept a journal, it documents everything that happened while you were with him,” Jack replied, wishing that he’d told the doctor not to say anything.

“Everything?” Mac asked, his eyes wide.

“It looks that way hoss, but it’s ok, no one but doc and Vanessa are gonna read it,” Jack responded, eager to let Mac know that his secrets weren’t about to be betrayed.

Mac was worried, there was so much that the others didn’t know, so many things that he had been through. Victor sprung to his mind immediately, no one could ever know about Victor, what would they think of him. That he’d let that happen to him, no he just had to pray that his father wouldn’t have written about it.

“You ok kiddo?” Jack asked.

Mac nodded; he couldn’t really do anything else.

Vanessa was back in her office, back with the journal, deciding that she needed to learn as much as she could.

*Saturday, subject had no adverse reaction to dose of new medication.*

*Monday subject was let out for a shower and some exercise. Will need to regularly keep subject active, need him to be able to help with work and projects. When he is not needed, subject will remain in the cage*

*Wednesday, I have decided to feed the subject at the same time as giving medication, less interaction needed. Subject will not need food often; I have studied calorie intact needed and one meal every other day is sufficient. Will give more if the need arises*

Vanessa sighed as she read the entry, there was a difference between lowering calorie intake and starving someone. James obviously wasn’t aware of it. She was just glad that Mac had survived for so long on little food.

*Saturday, subject let out to shower and exercise again, subject tried to escape. He knocked me to the ground and made it to the door. I managed to get the subject back into his cage, tasering him until he fell unconscious. The second part of my plan will need to be put into place*

Vanessa knew that Mac would have tried to escape at some point, reading how it had happened was unsettling, being tased was new information and she would have to speak to Mac about it. She dreaded to know what the second part of James’s plan was. Thinking back, she knew Mac had been whipped early on, she guessed that was it.

*Monday, subject taken from cage and hung from hook affixed to the ceiling, t-shirt removed, and subject is whipped twelve times. Subject is then hosed down, and his wounds cleaned, given a fresh shirt and placed back in cage. Lesson on behaving learned, will revisit later if necessary*

She was right, Mac had been whipped twelve times, she hadn’t seen his back herself but she had been informed by Dr Fray that it was bad and she had spoken to Mac about it, learning that it had happened on three separate occasions. She went back to the journal, praying that there wasn’t anything worse to come.

*Tuesday, subject given medication and food. Wounds on his back cleaned and painkillers given. Subject informed that he will not speak unless spoken to, will inform him again when next dose is given*

So, Mac was told early on that he couldn’t speak, no wonder he was having so much trouble.

*Wednesday, subject let out for a shower and some exercise. Wounds on his back checked, no more treatment needed. No more painkillers allowed. Subject struggled with exercise, weak because of injuries. Subject informed again that he will not speak unless spoken to, the words are not sinking in, perhaps he needs another lesson*

Vanessa wanted to stop reading, not knowing what James meant by another lesson, there was no way Mac was going to be whipped again.

*Thursday, subject given medication and food. I sat near the cage on and off all day to see how subject would react. He spoke more times than he should of. Another lesson is needed*

*Friday, subject is to be given lesson on only speaking when spoken to. I have made a device using metal that will be inserted into the subject’s mouth, he will not be able to make a sound while it is in. Subject removed from cage and placed in a chair, wrists and ankles are tied to the arms and legs. Subject questions what is happening, device inserted, and subject is told he will remain with it in for the rest of the day. When I return later subject is quiet and still. There is evidence of tears on his face. The metal gag is removed, and he is released from his bonds and put back in his cage. He is informed that if he speaks again without permission he will have to endure the metal gag again. Subject remains quiet*

Vanessa closes the book; Mac hadn’t told her about this when she asked about why he didn’t want to talk. She wondered how many times this metal gag had been used. She really hoped he didn’t have to endure it too many times. Vanessa sat back and looked at her watch, finding that it was 7pm, she decided she would check on her patient and then go home. Tomorrow they were bringing Lola in and she was going to inform Mac that James had been killed. She wanted to be well rested so that she could be there for Mac, not knowing what his reaction would be. 


	10. Chapter 10

When Vanessa arrived the next day, she’d been informed that Mac had a good night, and that Jack had stayed, feeling Mac needed the support. Vanessa had put a discreet watch in place, she wasn’t going to risk Mac trying to hurt himself and she was told there was nothing to report. She had hoped that would be the case and that she wouldn’t have to take more drastic measures.

She bypassed Mac’s room to head to the war room, knowing that Bozer was bringing Lola and wanting to speak to him before they headed in.

“Hey Boze, hey Lola,” Vanessa said, greeting the dog as she bounded over.

“Hey Vanessa, I think Lola’s happy to see you,” Bozer replied, watching the dog licking the doctor’s face.

“So, it seems, hopefully she’ll have the same reaction when she sees Mac,” Vanessa said, getting up.

“I did what you asked and got some of Mac’s clothes for her to sniff. I wasn’t sure if they’d still smell like him after all this time.”

“You’d be surprised,” Vanessa replied, smiling. “Shall we go see Mac?”

The three headed back to medical, Bozer sending a text to Jack to make sure the timing was still ok, getting a thumbs up in response.

“Hey kiddo, we’ve got a surprise for you,” Jack said, once he’d received Bozer’s message.

Mac furrowed his brow, a surprise, what kind of surprise.

“You’ll just have to wait and see,” Jack replied to Mac’s silent questions, smiling.

A few minutes later and the door opened, Vanessa walking in with Lola in her arms, the dog immediately whining when she saw her missing owner.

Mac stared in shock, not knowing what to think, he started to cry which seemed to aggravate Lola even more, she was soon placed on the bed and she immediately began licking Mac’s face and pawing at his lap. Mac stroked her and then pulled her tight, he’d missed her so much.

The others smiled, happy about the long overdue reunion, Bozer leaving silently, promising to come back later. Vanessa told Jack to go and take care of himself while she sat with Mac for a bit and he took her up on her offer. He desperately needed a shower and a change of clothes, saying goodbye to Mac and heading out, promising he wouldn’t be too long.

If Mac was bothered he didn’t show it, he was content to have Lola with him, only looking up when Vanessa spoke.

“I hear Jack told you about James’s journal,” Vanessa started, not expecting a response. “I’ve started to read it, and I’ve got some things to discuss if you’re up to it.”

Mac looked away, not knowing what Vanessa wanted to discuss. How far had she gotten? Is that why she sent Jack away? He was reluctant but nodded, knowing that Vanessa wouldn’t let it go, he would have to talk to her eventually.

She bought over the laptop so Mac could use it and he opened it up, still holding Lola close.

“The journal started with James trialling the medication he was giving you, I’m sorry you had such a hard time with it. Did you want to talk about anything?” Vanessa asked, not wanting to force Mac to discuss anything he wasn’t comfortable with.

Mac thought for a second, it was so long ago, but it still felt just like yesterday.

*It was horrible, to know he was experimenting on me and didn’t care what happened. There were times that I begged him to stop, begged him to help and all he did was sit there and write in his stupid book*

“I can’t imagine how that felt,” Vanessa replied, knowing when reading that James was extremely clinical, like he was a scientist and Mac was his subject

*I survived, but now I’m hooked on the drugs he made me take*

“Dr Fray assured me that if you’re weaned off them, you wouldn’t need them anymore. He’s hopeful that this time next week you should be able to stop,” Vanessa prayed the doctor was right. “The next part he wrote about was your escape attempt.”

Mac looked over at her, he’d forgotten all about that, his one and only escape attempt.

*I had to try, even though I knew it was a longshot*

“I would have been surprised if you hadn’t tried,” Vanessa replied. “James used a taser?”

Mac nodded.

“Did he use it a lot Mac? Could there have been any damage to you heart?”

Mac shook his head; he didn’t think so. *He used it more in the beginning, after the first couple of months I was more behaved, didn’t need it*

Vanessa sighed when Mac said that, as if he needed to be tased in the beginning.

“That escape attempt led to you being whipped,” Vanessa said, hating to ask Mac about it, but knowing he couldn’t keep his feelings bottled up.

“Hurt so much,” Mac spoke, pulling Lola closer.

*I’ve never felt pain like it, after it was over my throat hurt because I’d screamed so much and James cleaning my back made the pain come back, he wasn’t gentle*

“I’m sorry Mac.”

She waited for him to calm down, knowing that it was difficult to talk about and grateful that he had Lola to comfort him.

“There was one final thing in the journal I’d like to discuss. It relates to your ability to speak and I’m not sure why you didn’t bring it up before.”

Mac closed his eyes, knowing exactly what Vanessa was talking about, he felt Lola whimper beside him as he started crying again.

“Mac, we don’t have to talk about it now if it’s too painful,” Vanessa said, hating to have her patient so upset.

Mac opened his eyes and started typing, finding it easier than speaking the words.

*It was humiliating, having to sit there all day with that thing in my mouth. To know it was because I talked too much. It wasn’t just uncomfortable, it was painful, I couldn’t move my mouth at all, could barely even swallow. I thought for sure that I was going to choke and not be able to breathe*

Vanessa read what Mac had written. “Was it just used that one time?”

Crying harder Mac shook his head.

“Ok, that’s enough, you don’t have to talk to about it anymore,” Vanessa said, she was sure she’d read about how many times in the journal. “Mac you’re not speaking has a deeper psychological affect than I realised before. It’s not just because you didn’t talk for so long and not speaking is easier. It’s the fact your brain has been wired to expect a painful and uncomfortable response if you speak when you shouldn’t. It’ll take some time, but I’m hopeful we’ll get you past it and you’ll be able to start speaking more freely.”

Mac really hoped that Vanessa was right, it wasn’t strange for him not speaking as he was so used to it like she said. At the same time, it was weird to not be talking to his friends and doctors, typing on a computer felt impersonal. He knew that he should have told Vanessa about the earlier punishments, maybe he would have been able to get her help sooner and he would have made more progress.

“Is there anything you’d like to talk about before we finish?” Vanessa asked. “Anything you’d like to tell me before I read about it?”

Mac’s thoughts went immediately to Victor again, he shook his head, he couldn’t talk about it, just prayed that no one found out.

When Jack came back later Mac could barely look at him, worried about what he knew, he turned on his left side with his back to him, closing his eyes. Lola was beside him, one of her paws on his wrists, as if she were grounding him. Unfortunately, his mind wasn’t didn’t want to turn off, thinking of all the things he and Vanessa had talked about.

He knew that the drugs he had been given and the problems that had arose from that weren’t his fault, he didn’t ask his father to drug him. The escape attempt had clearly been his doing, but even Vanessa had said she wasn’t surprised he did it. While deep down he knew that he didn’t deserve to be whipped, Mac also knew that if he hadn’t caused so much trouble then it wouldn’t have happened.

It was the punishment he’d got from talking that was bothering him the most. He knew that one was his fault, his father had told him to only speak when spoken to, exactly like last time and Mac just couldn’t do it. And it kept happening over and over for the first few months, meaning that he had to endure the metal gag multiple times.

“Does he ever shut up,” Harvey said, looking over at Mac.

“He does seem to be having some issues at the moment,” James replied, looking at his son with disappointment in his eyes. “I expected better, especially when we have guests Angus.”

Mac looked down at the table, knowing he was in trouble and knowing exactly what would happen once they got back to the barn. “I’m sorry, I was just trying to explain.”

“He obviously doesn’t get it,” Harvey spoke again. “It would be nice to have a bit of quiet.”

James reached over to something on the worktable to his left, holding it up and speaking to Harvey. “Do you mind?”

Harvey just smiled, watching James go over to his son.

“It seems you’ll have to wear this again Angus, I need you to be able to use your hands so I’ll be watching you closely to make sure you don’t try to take it out,” James explained, bringing the metal gag up to Mac’s face.

Mac moved away, this wasn’t happening, surely James didn’t expect him to sit there infront of them with that thing around his face and continue working. He received a hard slap to the face and then the metal was in his mouth, being locked at the back.

James stood back, making sure the gag was in place and then went back to his workstation. “Get back to work Angus.”

“Now that’s better,” Harvey said, smiling and staring at Mac from across the room.

Mac put his head down, quickly trying to finish the work he was doing, the sooner they finished, the sooner he could get away from this man.

Unfortunately his father didn’t have to same idea, after Mac had finished his part of the work he was told that he would remain where he was until they all finished, he came over and tied his wrists and ankles, stepping back again to make sure Mac wasn’t going anywhere. Mac remained with the gag in his mouth for five hours, three of those sitting with nothing to do but think about how painful it was.

“Thanks for your help James,” Harvey said, shaking his hand. “The kid did good work, a lot better with that gag in though. Maybe if we work together again you’ll make sure he wears it.”

“We’ll see how he’s behaving, thank you for your understanding Harvey,” James replied, walking out of the door with him and leaving Mac where he was.

He returned twenty minutes later, releasing Mac’s bonds and removing the metal, grabbing his arm and taking him back to the barn.

“I hope you’ve learnt your lesson Angus; it doesn’t matter where you are and who is there if you speak out of turn then the gag will go in.”

Mac nodded, his lips and mouth as dry as a bone, he was having trouble getting enough saliva just to swallow without it hurting. Luckily, his father gave him some water before leaving.

Mac sighed, he remembered Harvey had come back the month after and asked James if Mac could be gagged before they started work. James had declined saying that he was much better behaved, and it was true, but that point Mac was hardly speaking, only getting out a few words when needed. Harvey had said he was impressed when he’d left, and James had looked happy.

Vanessa was right, he did have a bad reaction when he thought about talking, he never wanted that metal in his mouth again.

“Kiddo, do you wanna talk about it?” Jack said, coming around and crouching so he was eye level with Mac.

Mac shook his head, even though it wasn’t good to keep it all bottled up, his eyes teared up and he looked at Jack as if he were a drowning man looking at a life preserver.

“Scootch over bud, I think I might need to come up there,” Jack said, helping Mac move Lola over.

He got on the bed and then pulled Mac close, running his fingers through his hair, Mac’s head over his heart. “You’re ok bud, you don’t have to talk to me, we’ll figure this out somehow. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.” Jack kept up the words until he felt Mac relax underneath him, continuing to stroke his head, long after he fell asleep.

Jack sat back, his own tears falling, he hated to see Mac so upset, hated that he couldn’t do anything to help. To him it felt like Mac was getting worse rather than better, he seemed to be slipping into a depression and Jack was worried that they wouldn’t be able to get him out of it.

Dr Fray sat back and closed the book in front of him, wishing that he hadn’t read it but knowing it was necessary. The drug combinations that his patient was given by his father was barbaric, no one experimented with drugs like that anymore and it was a wonder that Mac hadn’t either died or had serious side effects. He was thinking that he might have to change the combination of drugs that he’d decided to give Mac, knowing what the reaction had been to earlier trials. If he could call them that. He’d skipped through the Journal, not wanting to invade Mac’s privacy but needing to know if the drugs were mentioned again. After three months there was a mention, the medication’s dosages had been increased slightly, this happened again after five months.

Dr Fray hoped that within the next two weeks they would have completely weaned Mac off the drugs his system was reliant on, and that he would be free of anything, but painkillers should he require them.

He took a deep breathe and then got up, leaving to go to the lab, to see if there was anything he could do to make Mac’s life a little easier.

Later that evening Vanessa returned to break the news of James’s death to her patient, knowing that he was struggling but not wanting to leave it any longer.

“Mac there’s something that I need to tell you,” Vanessa said, sitting on the chair by Mac’s bed.

Jack knew what was happening and he sat on the edge of the bed, ready in case his friend needed him.

Mac sat up, realising that Vanessa and Jack both looked serious, he was worried about what was wrong, all sorts running through his head.

“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just say it. James is dead.”

Mac stared at her, not sure that he’d heard correctly, he looked at Jack for confirmation.

“I’m sorry hoss, he pulled out a gun and I didn’t have a choice,” Jack replied to Mac’s look. Not at all sorry the man was dead but not knowing how Mac would react.

So, Jack had been the one to do it, Mac thought, he sat backwards, pulling Lola closer, not sure how to feel. Relief was the first thing that went through him and then guilt for feeling that way, he started to cry, not really knowing why.

“I know this a shock Mac, it’ll take some time for you to process,” Vanessa said, leaning forward to reassure her patient.

Mac nodded, he wasn’t sure what he was feeling, every emotion seemed to be gripping him and he wasn’t sure how to take it. He reached his hand out for Jack, knowing that his friend would be able to ground him.

Jack immediately took his hand and then pulled him into a hug, rubbing a hand up and down his back. “You’re ok bud, just breathe.”

Mac cried for a while and then went still, feeling safe and secure in Jack’s arms, nothing he had ever felt from his father. Why was he crying for a man that had continually hurt him, that didn’t love him or protect him, who had let strangers beat and rape him. He sighed and sat back, rubbing his eyes and looking from Vanessa to Jack. He smiled, wanting to show them that he was ok, he wasn’t going to mourn his father and he wasn’t going to feel guilty about it. He couldn’t quite make himself feel happy, but he was relieved. James would never be able to hurt him again and that was the main thing, anything else he would work through later.


	11. Chapter 11

In the next few days Mac went through the motions, his days becoming quite repetitive, he was given breakfast in the morning and medication if he was due any, he then spoke with Vanessa, had a nap and then had his nutritional shake. The afternoon was spent either playing with Lola, talking to Jack or one of the others or sitting quietly. He then had dinner and sometimes a shower. His back and ribs were feeling much better and Mac knew that the next day he would be having surgery on his shoulder.

He wasn’t feeling any better mentally though, and he was no longer speaking any words, no amount of encouragement would get him to do it. He usually sat or lay staring into space when he wasn’t busy, it was something he used to do a lot when he was in his cage, nothing else to do and the drugs always made him so compliant.

Mac knew the others were worried, heard their whispers when they thought he was asleep or couldn’t hear. He’d heard words like medication and psychiatric ward, suicide watch, even the need to put him in restraints when there was no one there to watch him. None of this seemed to make any bit of difference, Mac’s mind had shut itself down to its bear minimum, it could function and do everyday tasks. If someone asked him to build or disarm a bomb he could probably do it, like muscle memory, but there would be no emotion to it. He was well and truly broken and he knew it.

“Kiddo, I think it’s time we got you out of here, what do ya say?” Jack said, pushing Mac’s hair away from his eyes.

Mac looked over to him, furrowing his brow, what did he mean?

Jack didn’t speak again straightaway, he pulled the covers off Mac and pulled him gently into a sitting position, swinging his legs off the bed. Once Jack was sure Mac could balance himself he grabbed a wheelchair that was off to the side, helping the kid into it and then placing a blanket over his legs.

“Ok, here we go,” Jack said, opening the door and pushing him out.

Mac wasn’t sure where they were going and he couldn’t bring himself to care, he was perfectly ok lying in his bed and now here he was going down corridor after corridor.

They soon reached a door that Mac was sure he’d never seen before and he was wheeled through it, squinting when sunlight hit his face. He whimpered, it was too bright, he wasn’t used to anything as bright as the sun. Jack slipped a pair of sunglasses over his eyes and then wheeled him over to a bench. Helping him out of the chair and onto the wooden surface, sitting next to him and pulling him close.

“Fresh air’ll do ya good bud,” Jack said, getting comfortable.

Mac laid his head on Jack’s shoulder, closing his eyes and taking in the outside air. This was probably the first time in over six months he’d been able to sit outside. When he was with his father he had only been outside to walk to and from the workshop. Then briefly when he was rescued. He was content to sit there and soak up the sun, hoping he wasn’t going to burn.

“You doin ok bud?” Jack said after a few minutes, not wanting his friend to be upset and not say anything.

Mac made a sound in his throat that was an affirmative, hoping that Jack got it, settling further into Jack’s side as he relaxed more. His worries seemed to be washing away and he was happy for the first time in a long time. If only they could stay there.

Unfortunately, the time outside had come to an end and they were soon going down the corridors again. Ending up at Mac’s room far too quickly, he was helped back in bed where he rolled onto his side and closed his eyes, trying to keep the thought of outside in his memory.

“It was a good idea Jack,” Vanessa said later. “Unfortunately, it’ll take a lot more than a couple of outings to make Mac better.”

“I know that doc, I’m not an idiot!” Jack exclaimed, pacing the floor behind the couch.

“I wasn’t implying that you were,” Vanessa replied, staying seated. “I’ve found somewhere close by that is willing to take Mac in. It will be perfect for him, get him away from the clinical aspect of his recovery. There are gardens and a therapy room that is probably just what Mac needs, he’ll be allowed to have Lola with him and as many visitors as he wants.”

“I hate the thought of sending him off somewhere, it’ll be like locking him up again,” Jack responded, sitting and putting his head in his hands.

“Jack, while he won’t be able to leave until he’s finished his treatments, no one will be locking him up. Of course there are rooms that are used in the case of any incidents but everyone at the centre is fully trained and their goal is to get the patients back to their old selves.”

Jack sighed, he knew deep down that Mac needed something like this, there was no way he’d be able to go home in his state, he would need someone to keep an eye on him 24/7. He also couldn’t stay in medical, after his shoulder surgery there would be no reason to keep him. 

“Can I tell him?” Jack asked, knowing that it would better coming from him.

Vanessa nodded, handing over the pamphlets for Cali Mountain behavioural health. She watched Jack flick through the information, even though she’d provided him with everything he needed.

“Mac bud, we gotta talk,” Jack said, sitting on the edge of the bed.

Mac was sitting up, he’d been quietly waiting, knowing that dinner would be served soon and wanting to finish it so he could get some sleep.

“Soon ya gonna be all fixed up physically, which means ya not gonna need to stay here,” Jack started, hoping that he could get out the whole thing without breaking down. “We know you’re not doin so good kiddo, and we think you need more than we can give.”

Mac looked up at this, he had been trying but it was hard.

“Vanessa found this place that we think would be good for you, it’s called Cali mountain behavioural health, they’ll be able to look after you better than we can.”

Mac looked down, they were sending him away, he hadn’t been getting better fast enough and now they didn’t want him. He supposed he couldn’t blame them, maybe this place would be the best place for him to go.

“Mac, nobody is sending you away kiddo. We just all want you to get better and this place, well it’s gonna be good. Here’s the pamphlet, why don’t you read it through,” Jack said, standing up. “I’ll be back in a bit ok.”

Mac looked up when Jack left, pulling the pamphlet towards him and looking it through, it did seem a nice place and he did really want to get away from medical, he didn’t think it was helping. If Jack thought it was a good idea to go then that’s what he’d do. Hopefully if he got better the others would take him back and they could be a family again. He hated that he always felt so alone and unwanted all the time.

He read the information through a couple more times, so it was ingrained in his memory and then sat once again quietly waiting for dinner.

“I’m pretty sure he thought we were sending him away cos we don’t want him anymore!” Jack exclaimed once he was away from Mac’s room.

“I’m sure that’s not true Jack, not deep down,” Vanessa replied, hoping that she was right.

Jack shook his head, suddenly not liking the idea and thinking maybe he should just take the kid home instead.

“I know what you’re thinking Jack,” Vanessa said. “You can’t do this alone, he needs professional help, more help than I can give him. This place will be good for him, they’ll cater to his every need, he won’t be alone and there are other people there who might be going through a similar thing.”

Jack knew that Vanessa was right, but he still hated the idea. “And I can see him whenever I like?”

“You’ll have to make sure to not just turn up unexpected and think you’ll see him. Mac might be in therapy or sleeping, there’ll be no restrictions, if Mac wants to see you or anyone else then he can.”

Jack nodded, hoping that he could stick to some sort of visitation hours, knowing that if Mac needed him he’d be there in a shot. He sighed again, hating that this was happening, god he hated James, he didn’t think he’d ever hated anyone more in his life. Why did the man have to do such horrible things to his kid, why couldn’t he have been some sort of decent human being and at least treated Mac a little better?

“When’s he gonna go doc?” Jack asked, knowing that Vanessa had been making all the arrangements. 

“The day after tomorrow,” Vanessa replied. “The centre is equipped to deal with Mac’s shoulder recovery, he’ll need dressing changes and physical therapy and they are more than qualified to do this. As long as there are no complications tomorrow we’ll let him rest up and then leave Friday morning.”

Jack nodded, again he knew it was best, the quicker Mac got help, the quicker he could get back to some semblance of normal. Although they all knew that it wouldn’t be that simple, no matter how well his recovery went, there were no guarantees he would get back to how he was. It was unlikely that he’d return to the field, the kid had been through too much.

“I’m gonna go back in, check how he’s taking this,” Jack said, hoping that Mac would have a positive response to the place he was going.

Vanessa nodded. “I’ll come and see him tomorrow after his surgery, call me before that if you think he needs me.”

“Will do.”

Jack entered Mac’s room to find him eating his dinner, he smiled, at least that was one thing that Mac was doing well with. He’d got his appetite back and the meals he was being given had been increased in size, the kid was slowly gaining some weight, although he was still skinny, it was going to take a while for him to gain back what he’d lost.

“Hey bud, that looks good,” Jack said, sitting in the chair next to the bed, his stomach growling when he looked at the food. “Well looks like I’m hungry.”

Mac smiled, nodding, pushing his fruit cup over towards his friend.

“No kiddo you eat that, I’ll go get something in a bit,” Jack responded to the act, smiling and pushing it back. “You need it more than me.”

Mac nodded again, finishing the soup and bread he’d been given, taking the fruit cup and peeling off the lid.

“You nervous about tomorrow hoss?”

Mac shrugged his shoulders, he wasn’t bothered, he knew that he needed the surgery and didn’t think there was any point worrying about it.

Jack sat back, wishing that his friend would talk to him, he’d settle for anything, even one word. Hopefully once he was settled at the centre and he started working with the therapists he’d be able to start talking again. It was so hard not to hear his voice, he thought back to all the times Mac had rattled off some fact or explained what he was building. God he missed that.

The morning soon came, and Mac was wheeled off for surgery, Jack and the others waited patiently, knowing that it was a complicated surgery that could take hours but needing to be close by. They had gathered in the war room and Jack was telling them about the Cali Mountain behavioural health centre.

“I can’t believe we’re having to send him to a place like that!” Bozer exclaimed, stroking Lola who was sitting in his lap. “Like he’s crazy or something.”

“Boze, you know it’s not like that,” Jack replied, hating it just as much.

“He’ll get more help there than we can give him,” Riley said. “He needs it and we need to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and think about Mac.”

She hated sending her friend away just as much as the others, but she also knew that it was what Mac needed and that was all that mattered. He needed the best care and if the place he was going could give him that then that was where he needed to be.

“Riley’s right,” Matty said. “Blondie is struggling, and we can’t help him. It’s painful to think we’ve gotta send him away in order to help him, but we need to get over that. If he thinks we’re upset then it’ll only make him upset too.”

“You’re right Matty, Riley, it’s just hard,” Bozer replied, knowing that his best friend needed help and not being able to give it.

They all sat in silence for a bit, Riley speaking up.

“So, Vanessa said we can visit him right?”

“Yeah, she said the place is relaxed, they encourage family and friends to come in. It’s usually better for the patient’s recovery,” Jack replied, so glad that Vanessa had found a place like that, he didn’t know what he’d do if Mac went somewhere they couldn’t see him.

While the team waited for Mac’s surgery to finish, Vanessa was at the Cali centre, speaking to the head of the therapy team.

“I’m glad you had time to see me,” Vanessa said, sitting down.

“Of course, it’s best I have all the information before a new patient comes in,” Dr Tom Read said, his hands clasped infront of him on his desk. “Did you bring the journal we discussed?”

“I did, I warn you there are some unpleasant things in there and I haven’t even got anywhere near the end yet,” Vanessa said, reaching into her bag and pulling out the book.

She felt a little like she was betraying Mac by handing it over but knew that the people at the centre wouldn’t be able to help if they had no idea what they were dealing with.

“I can only imagine,” Tom replied, taking the journal and putting it to one side. “You’ve told me some of what’s been happening, is there anything else you want to talk about?”

“I know from research that this is the best place for Mac right now, it’s just difficult to hand over care of a patient that I’ve worked with for so long,” Vanessa started. “Is it possible to be kept in the loop?”

“Of course, we aren’t going to cut you out of Mac’s recovery. You are known to him, and it might be necessary for you to be included in some of his sessions. Is he still not speaking?”

“Not a word, he’ll be bringing his computer with him, to communicate with.”

“That’s great, but I think it’ll be an idea to get to the root of that problem first. Have you learnt anything more?”

“From my conversations with Mac and reading entries in the journal it’s clear he associates talking with punishment. If he talked out of place then he was made to wear a metal gag, it was found, and I have some pictures. It’s barbaric, it would fit in his mouth and hold his tongue in place so that all he could do was breath and little else. He told me that it was painful and that he was scared that he would choke and not be able to take it out.”

“That would certainly explain his aversion to talking,” Tom replied, taking the photos that Vanessa handed him. “Was he forced to wear this often?”

“It’s unclear how often, although I established in the first few months in was quite regularly. He also managed to tell me about times he had to wear it in front of other people, this happened twice as far as I know.”

“So, it was humiliating when he had to wear it while he was alone or in front of his father, even more so when there were strangers present. I’m guessing these strangers were criminals?”

“We’re not exactly sure who they were, but I would imagine so. Mac said that they both encouraged James to put the gag in, said they preferred it over Mac being able to talk.”

Tom nodded, realising that the psychological damage was far worse than he thought, it was going to take a lot of therapy to get Mac to start feeling comfortable talking again.

Vanessa and Tom spoke for a while longer, and then he took her on a tour of the facility.

“I think Mac is going to do well here,” Vanessa said, walking from the centre, shaking Tom’s hand.

“I hope so,” Tom replied. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Cali Mountain behavioral health is made up, although I did a little research on places of that kind, hopefully it'll be believable.


	12. Chapter 12

The next day came around quickly, and soon Mac was in the car being driven to his temporary home. His arm was strapped to his body and he was on some heavy painkillers, the doctor’s at first were unsure if they should leave the move for another day, but decided Mac could recover just as well at the centre as he could in medical. 

“You doin ok back there hoss?” Jack asked, looking up at the mirror.

Mac nodded, his eyes seeming far away. He was sitting in the back seat with Lola, Jack and Vanessa in the front. He was starting to get nervous about going away, Mac knew that he needed help if he was ever going to get better, but suddenly the day they’d been discussing had arrived and he was wishing it hadn’t. He was going to be surrounded by strangers, he’d have to talk to them about what he’d been through with his father, admit to some of the things he’d been holding back.

He wouldn’t have Jack or the others there to keep him company or stay with him if he were upset. He’d be alone, again, something that seemed to be happening time and again, at least he would have Lola.

“Here we are,” Vanessa said, getting out when the car stopped.

Jack walked to Mac’s door and opened it, helping his friend out and supporting him as he made his way across the drive and up the steps to the front door.

“Tom said to go straight in and someone would meet us,” Vanessa said, opening the door to let Jack and Mac in.

Jack nodded, keeping an eye on Mac and Lola, heading though the entrance and over to a reception area.

“Hi, are you Mac?” a woman asked, walking out from behind the desk.

“That’s him, I’m Jack,” Jack replied, knowing that Mac wasn’t going to speak. “And this is Lola.”

“Hi Jack, and hello Lola, you are adorable, it will certainly be nice having you around here,” the woman said, crouching down to stroke Lola. “I’m Melody.”

“Hi Melody, I’m Vanessa,” Vanessa spoke, coming from behind Jack.

Melody smiled and shook Vanessa’s hand and then motioned for them to follow her. “I’ll take you to your room Mac and we can get you settled. I hear you had surgery yesterday, I imagine you’re still quite sore.”

Mac nodded, grateful that he would be able to at least sit down, the pain was ok but he was feeling light headed from the drugs in his system, having had his usual medication that morning before they left, as well as the painkillers.

They soon arrived at the living area, several rooms coming of a main corridor, a few people milling around nodded a greeting as they passed.

“This is you Mac,” Melody said, opening a door and motioning everyone to follow her in.

The room wasn’t large, but it had all that Mac would need, there was a bed over by the wall, a small wardrobe, and a desk and chair, as well as shelves on one wall. A door over the other side of the room looked like it held a bathroom.

“You can spend as much or as little time in here as you like,” Melody said, pulling back the covers so that Mac could lay down. “I’m guessing while you’re healing you’ll prefer to be here, once you’re feeling a bit better there is a communal room and gardens that are for residents to use. We have a small dining area where we serve meals, although some people like to take them outside, especially when the weather’s nice.”

“It’s real nice here,” Jack said, helping Mac over to the bed. “Not clinical at all”

“Thank you, we do pride ourselves in trying to make the place as homely as possible. Some area’s will be clinical, treatment rooms and offices, we also had a small medical bay in case of emergencies.”

“Is there anything we need to do?” Vanessa asked, unsure if paperwork needed to be filled in.

“Everything’s been taken care of; all Mac needs to do now is settle in. Has he any things?” Melody asked, noticing the lack of bags.

“They’re in the car, wanted to get Mac in first,” Jack said, heading towards the door. “I’ll get em.”

Melody nodded, turning back to Mac. “Is there anything you need?”

Mac thought for a second, then shook his head, he felt better now that he was lying down, thinking maybe he’d have a nap after Jack got back.

In a few minutes Jack was back with the bags and dog bed for Lola, placing everything in a pile by the desk.

“Now we like new patients to settle in for the first couple of days, so we ask visitors to stay away,” Melody said, motioning to Vanessa and Jack to leave.

Mac made a noise of disapproval; he didn’t want to alone just yet.

“Come on, you can’t expect us to just leave!” Jack exclaimed, walking to Mac and placing his hand on his head. “He’s upset.”

“I appreciate that it’s difficult, but we do tend to see better outcomes when patients settle in by themselves for a couple of days, you can come back to visit then,” Melody replied, not wanting her new patient upset, but knowing it would be better in the long run.

Jack nodded; she should know what she was talking about. “Five minutes?”

Melody smiled, nodding, walking out the door with Vanessa.

“I’ll see you later Mac,” Vanessa said. “Jack I’ll meet you outside.”

Jack nodded watching them leave, he then perched on the edge of the bed, taking Mac’s hand. “I know this is gonna be hard kiddo, but we have to do what Melody says. I’m not leaving ya; I’m coming back. You be good ok.”

Mac felt a few tears fall and then get wiped away by Jack’s fingers, he couldn’t help but feel abandoned, even though he knew that wasn’t what was happening. Mac nodded when Jack told him to be good, of course he would be. He was scared that this was the last time he’d see Jack, even though he knew that was ridiculous. Mac hugged him tight and then watched Jack walk out. Curling onto his side and closing his eyes, falling asleep before he had the chance to wonder if he would.

“God I hated leaving him,” Jack said later, as they all met up at Mac’s. (also, Bozer’s and Jack’s now)

“I’m not sure I could’ve done it!” Bozer exclaimed, picking up a slice of pizza from the box.

“It was hard, had to be done though. Melody said it helps to not have any distractions for the first couple of days. Helps patients acclimatise.”

“Are you gonna go see him when the couple of days are over?” Riley asked, already knowing the answer.

“Is grass green?” Jack replied, looking at her as if she’d grown two heads.

Riley laughed, drinking some beer and then changing the subject, knowing if they talked about Mac all night they’d all be depressed. “So, did anyone hear about Mark in accounting, apparently he’s been cheating on his wife.”

While the team were relaxing at home, Mac was struggling at the centre, he’d slept for a while but was woken by Melody for lunch, she told him he could eat in bed that day, but that she would like him to come out the next and eat in the dining hall. His eyes widened at the food she bought in, usually he had a nutritional shake for lunch, he would have thought the centre would have been made aware. He couldn’t eat what was put in front of him, pushing it away and looking for his computer so he could tell her.

“We don’t push food away here Mac, you need to eat. It will help with your recovery and I know for a fact that you’ve got a lot of weight to put back on,” Melody said, pushing the plate back. “I appreciate that you’re probably in some pain from your operation, so if you can’t manage everything then that’s ok. You have to try though.”

She walked out before Mac could find his computer, he sighed, he didn’t want to eat any of the food, but it couldn’t go to waste. Especially as this was somewhere new, he didn’t know what would happen if he didn’t eat it.

Mac started to eat, feeling nauseous after a few mouthfuls, he tried to ignore it, eating more and more. Unfortunately, it was too much and before he made it to the bathroom he threw up, managing to get to the bin by the door to catch most of it. He sank down to the ground feeling miserable, so much for feeling better here.

Lola started barking, obviously trying to attract some attention, doing a little dance between the door and Mac, running to check on him and then running back to the door and barking.

“What’s all the racket about,” a voice said, opening the door. “Oh gees, are you ok buddy?”

Mac looked up; the guy sounded like Jack. Mac was feeling awful, he was still sick and the pain in his shoulder had skyrocketed when he bent over to throw up. He felt more tears fall and ducked his head down, ashamed that he was such a mess.

“Hey dude, don’t worry. We’ll soon have you cleaned up and feeling better,” the man said, approaching to help Mac up off the floor. “Let’s get you on the bed and then we’ll get you out of those clothes.”

Soon Mac was sitting on the edge of the bed, his sling being carefully removed. The shirt he was wearing was unbuttoned and taken off, a few minutes past and then a wet cloth was pushed over his chest and mouth, clearing away any mess. The man who had yet to introduce himself was gentle and didn’t rush. A new shirt was placed around Mac and his arm put back in the sling. He whimpered when his arm was moved, it was like a knife ripping through his skin.

“Do you need some painkillers?”

Mac nodded, panting, white spots covering his eyes, the man laid him down and told him he’d be back.

“Mac, I’m Dr Read. Josh tells me you’re in quite a bit of pain, as you’ve been sick, I’m going to give you a shot of morphine, I’ve got your notes, so know that you’re due some medication soon.”

Mac didn’t reply, could hardly acknowledge the words, he felt himself be rolled over and his trousers pulled down, there was a sharp sting and then almost immediate relief. The action of being rolled and his trouser pulled made Mac shake, it was exactly how it felt when Victor had raped him. Luckily, the doctor assumed the shaking was due to the pain and didn’t question it.

An hour later and Dr Read came back in with Melody, Mac was feeling better, the nausea gone and his pain down to a tolerable level.

“I’m so sorry Mac,” Melody started as she walked towards the bed. “I wasn’t told you were on a restricted diet. I should have let you explain.”

“I unfortunately was called into a meeting and didn’t have time to inform the staff about your requirements. I am sincerely sorry Mac, you have my word that nothing like that will happen again,” Dr Read said.

Mac could tell that Melody was upset and that Dr Read seemed sincere, he nodded, hoping that would be construed as acceptance. He obviously was upset, but he wouldn’t hold a grudge.

“I’m glad you’re not going to hold it against us,” Dr Read said. “I’m Dr Tom Read; I’ll be overseeing your treatment here. You can call me Tom or Dr Read, whichever you prefer. I’d like to have a chat with you tomorrow, bring you up to speed on the therapy I think will be good for your recovery.”

Seeing that Mac was struggling, Melody pulled his computer from the bag and set it up for him.

*Thank you, I’d like to hear what you have to say. I’ve only ever talked to Vanessa or a mandatory counsellor at work so not sure what to expect*

“Nothing too complicated, let’s talk tomorrow, once you’re a little more on your feet,” Tom replied, smiling and nodding and then leaving the room.

“Do you need anything Mac?” Melody asked, still upset about what had happened earlier.

*Can you help me to the bathroom?*

“Of course,” Melody said, pulling the cover aside and helping Mac walk the short distance. Waiting outside while he sorted himself out. “Let me know if you’re hungry later, I can get you one of your shakes.”

Mac nodded, smiling, stroking Lola who had manoeuvred herself up onto the bed. He got comfortable and thought about what Tom was going to talk to him about the next day.

The rest of the day and night went fast, dinner going better than lunch, more painkillers were given before he went to sleep, and Mac was shown a call button he could press if he needed anything in the night. He fell asleep happier than he’d been before, he wished Jack were there, but all the staff seemed nice and he thought that he would like it at the Cali mountain behavioural centre.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to say I'm not a medical professional so anything I've written is taken from research

“So, we cater for a lot of different people here at the centre and take everyone’s needs into account. Tailoring a specific plan for a specific person helps the recovery go much smoother,” Tom began once Mac was settled into a chair opposite him. “You have some urgent needs, recovering from your surgery and gaining weight, both we can help with. You also have many needs that we must address, the most important is your ability to speak.”

Mac looked down, knowing that it was the thing that was worrying everyone the most, of course it worried him, but he was so used to it that it didn’t bother him so much anymore.

“I know there’s nothing wrong with you physically that is stopping you speaking, I also know a little on why you don’t speak. What we need to do is help you and your brain understand that nothing bad is going to happen if you start talking again.”

Mac knew that Vanessa would have spoken to Tom about what had happened while he was gone, he was sure she would have given him access to James’s journal too. It was a small comfort to know that the man already had a lot of information, which meant Mac didn’t have to go through everything again. He did know though that he would have to talk about things, even things he’d already discussed.

“I want to read you an entry in James’s journal, it will be upsetting but I think you need to hear it, it’s the first time he used the metal gag on you,” Tom said, picking up the book and turning to the page.

Mac’s eyes widened; he wasn’t sure he wanted to know what his father had written.

*Friday, subject is to be given lesson on only speaking when spoken to. I have made a device using metal that will be inserted into the subject’s mouth, he will not be able to make a sound while it is in. Subject removed from cage and placed in a chair, wrists and ankles are tied to the arms and legs. Subject questions what is happening, device is inserted, and subject is told he will remain with it in for the rest of the day. When I return later subject is quiet and still. There is evidence of tears on his face. The metal gag is removed, and he is released from his bonds and put back in his cage. He is informed that if he speaks again without permission he will have to endure the metal gag again. Subject remains quiet*

Tom looked up at his patient, Mac had started to cry, and he was shaking slightly.

“I didn’t read this to upset you Mac, I read this to show you that your father thought of what he was doing as an experiment. He uses the word subject instead of son or your name, he is clinical and to the point. Understanding that should help you move forward somewhat, knowing that this wasn’t a father hurting his son, but a scientist experimenting.”

Mac nodded, he already knew that his father didn’t see him as a son but as property, hearing the way he’d worded the entry in his journal just reinforced this, in a way it was better to hear the words. At least now he knew that’s how it was seen from James’s perspective, everything he’d done was done to property or as an experiment.

“He is informed that if he speaks again without permission he will have to endure the metal gag again. You kept speaking without permission?”

Mac nodded, he had tried not to, but when you are silent for so long, sometimes you start speaking without meaning to.

“This metal gag was uncomfortable and painful; you associate it when you think of talking and this is stopping you from speaking. Are you still afraid that you’ll have to wear it again?”

Mac typed on his computer, needing words rather than nods.

*It’s stupid, but yes. Even though I know James is dead the thought of talking terrifies me, I start, and I go back to having to wear it for hours at a time. It’s easier to just stay quiet*

Tom nods, understanding that it is a noticeable fear. “We need to work on this, I’m going to suggest something called Immersion therapy. It may help alleviate your fear of this contraption you were forced to wear. If you are unafraid of it, then this should help you to begin speaking again.”

Mac was unsure, he had heard of Immersion therapy and was on the fence as to whether it was helpful or not. He would give anything a try, knowing he couldn’t go on the way he was.

“I’ll arrange it for our next session, we’ll start simple and then expand on it if need be,” Tom said, shutting James’s journal and putting it in a draw. “Once you start to speak again, I imagine it won’t be as easy as you think, so I’m going to have a speech therapist work with you a couple of time a week.”

Mac nodded, Vanessa had already suggested a speech therapist and he had thought it seemed a good idea.

“I want to move on to how you’re feeling in yourself. One of the reasons you were brought here was because you seem to have fallen into a deep depression. You also stated that you wished you had killed yourself and that sometimes you still had those thoughts. Would you like to talk to me about this?”

Mac hated that everyone knew he’d wanted to die; he was still having those thoughts and he wanted them to stop.

*I felt sometimes that the only way to escape my father was if I died, I thought about it a lot. I’d even started to plan how I would do it the same day a got rescued. I hate myself for having those thoughts, its weak and I shouldn’t want to throw my life away*

“To begin with, you need to remember that you were in an impossible situation, with no way out. You wanting to kill yourself was a way of gaining back control, control that your father had taken away. You were told when to speak, eat, shower, exercise, work. You were drugged so that you would be docile and easier to manage and you remained in a place that wasn’t fit for anyone. Wanting to die so you could escape all of that is not weak.”

Mac listened intently to what the doctor was saying, really letting the words sink in.

“Still thinking that you want to die is slightly different, it’s still not weak, I would never tell a patient this but now that you are free, free to do all the things you weren’t allowed to do, this feeling should have gone. It’s not wrong that it hasn’t, we just need to get to the route of the feeling. Why do you still feel you want to die?”

*Because I’m broken and a burden, everyone would be better off if I weren’t here* Mac cried as he wrote the sentence, wishing that he didn’t feel the way he did.

“You may be broken Mac, but you can be fixed, that’s what therapy is for. As for being a burden, I can’t say for certain what your friends and family think, but from what Vanessa tells me they all want to help you and are happy that you’re back. I can’t imagine that any of them would stick around if they didn’t want you, wouldn’t they put you in a place like this and then not come back? I understand when you’re hurting and feeling low that these thoughts can overcome you, you need to sperate your thoughts and feelings into small sections. Then you can analyse the section and move on to the next. Think of why you feel the way you do and why specific instances do or don’t back up your thoughts.”

Mac’s brow furrowed as he thought this through, that made a lot of sense, he had so many thoughts and was overcome that he didn’t have any chance to process. If he thought about certain things more carefully than he might be able to come up with a solution other than the ones he’d been thinking.

“I can see that what I’ve said has made you think, so we’ll end our session there,” Tom said, glad that he’d made a small breakthrough. “I’d like you to make some notes for next time about specific instances you can recall, maybe when one of your friends did something that would make you think either you were or you weren’t a burden.”

Mac nodded, he would give it some thought, right now he wanted to lie down, his shoulder was starting to hurt.

“I’ll see you tomorrow Mac, Luke will help you back to your room,” Tom said, motioning for the man standing outside the door.

Luke took Mac’s computer and then put his uninjured arm over his shoulder, one hand around his waist, they made their way slowly towards Mac’s room and Luke helped Mac into bed. Lola immediately coming over to investigate. Giving Mac some painkillers and water, Luke left, without saying a single word.

Mac sighed as he got comfortable, he had a lot to think about and he wasn’t sure where to start, he was nervous about the immersion therapy, not knowing what to expect, his heart racing a little thinking Dr Read might make him wear the gag again. Mac took some deep breaths, he couldn’t think like that, even if the doctor suggested it, he wouldn’t go through with any treatment without Mac’s permission.

Mac’s eyes were slipping closed, the stress of the session and the painkillers in his system pulling him towards sleep. He let his body relax, falling asleep with in a few minutes, Lola lying next to him.

Mac awoke to Melody bringing him lunch, she was quiet, but he was much more alert these days, never knowing when James would appear.

“Hi Mac, I’m sorry I woke you,” Melody said, setting the shake on the table. “How are you feeling?”

Mac smiled, holding his thumb up to show he was feeling good, he felt a lot better after his nap. He sat up and swung his legs out of bed, needing to head to the bathroom before he had his lunch.

“I’m glad,” Melody replied, catching him as he passed. “You’ll be starting physical therapy later today, it’s always best to get a shoulder moving quickly after surgery.”

Mac nodded, knowing that it was coming, he’d had physical therapy before and knew the drill.

Even being prepared for the therapy wasn’t enough for Mac to not been drained afterwards, the therapist had been relentless. He stumbled on his way back to his room.

“Hey man, let me help,” Josh said, approaching from another room. “I know how gruelling physical therapy can be.”

Mac was grateful, he was worried he wouldn’t be able to make it back to his room on his own but didn’t want to ask for help.

They made their way slowly to Mac’s room, Josh getting some painkillers once he saw how affected Mac was.

“Just let me know if you need anything,” Josh said, leaving the room.

Mac smiled, he liked Josh, knowing that he’d be there in a flash if Mac needed anything. He sat back on the bed, the painkillers taking the edge off the pain. He decided that it was time to think about Tom’s homework, his computer was within easy reach, he could write a few things out.

Instances when he was or wasn’t a burden, well there were a lot of times recently and before he was taken again, where he was a burden. To Jack especially. He knew his friend would say otherwise, but that didn’t stop Mac feeling the way he did.

*Watched constantly in case he did something stupid*

*Being comforted when he was upset*

*To be looked after when leaving the hospital*

*Waking people up with his nightmares*

*Worrying people with his panic attacks or flashbacks*

Mac could go on but felt that he should stop there, he couldn’t think of anytime recently where he wasn’t a burden. He knew all of it wasn’t his fault, but that didn’t make it any easier expecting people to look after him.

Mac put away his computer and then sat up trying to decide what to do, scratching Lola behind her ears, knowing that she liked it.

Maybe he should go for a walk, a short one, he could walk to the common room, maybe sit and read or do some other activity to keep his brain active. He made up his mind quickly, walking from the room slowly, biting his lip, he was nervous about who would be there, he hadn’t officially met anyone else.

As he walked in everyone looked at him, causing him to freeze and immediately turn around, cue Melody and her smile.

“Hey Mac, it’s good to see you,” Melody said, smiling and taking his hand, steering him towards the back of the room.

Mac wasn’t sure what to do, so he let her take him where she obviously wanted him to go, a couch at the back of the room, some bookcases around it.

“Take a seat Mac, enjoy the freedom,” Melody said, helping him down onto the cushions. “No one should bother you back here, you stay as long as you like.”

Mac nodded, smiling at her. He picked a couple of books from the shelves and settled in, soon engrossed in what he was reading. An hour later and someone was standing over him, he looked up expecting to see Melody.

“Hi,” the person said, a woman with dark hair and blue eyes.

Mac smiled politely acknowledging her, but soon went back to his book when the woman didn’t speak again.

“Can I sit?” the woman asked.

Mac wasn’t sure, he didn’t know this woman and he couldn’t have a conversation with her, he figured it would be rude to send her away though, the room was communal after all. He motioned for her to take a seat, shuffling over so there was more room.

“I’m Hazel,” the woman said, once she was seated.

Mac looked up and realised that Hazel was expecting a response, even though he hadn’t said anything in days he managed to get his name out. “Mac.”

“Pleased to meet you Mac,” Hazel replied. “You’re new?”

Mac nodded, hoping that Hazel wouldn’t expect any response.

Hazel nodded back, smiling. “Welcome.”

They sat in silence for a little while, Mac going back to his book and Hazel seeming to be deep in thought.

“I’ve been here for a week,” Hazel said. “I think it’s helping.”

Mac didn’t respond, he didn’t want to be rude, he just hoped that Hazel would understand.

“You don’t talk much do you.”

Mac shook his head, hoping that she’d get the hint, he knew that eventually he’d have to communicate to the other patients, but for now he was content by himself.

“Why?” Hazel asked, staring at him intently.

“Hazel, we’ve talked about this,” Melody said, coming over to the couch. “You need to respect people’s privacy; Mac doesn’t need to talk to you if he doesn’t want to.”

Mac was thankful that Melody was keeping an eye on things, he didn’t want to upset Hazel, not knowing why she was at the centre, but he couldn’t respond to her questions.

“I’m sorry,” Hazel said, getting up.

“Let’s go back to you room, it’s almost dinner time anyway, I’m sure you’ll want to clean up,” Melody said, leading Hazel away. “Mac, can you head to the dining hall soon, you can bring the food back here if you’d like.”

Mac nodded, he was a little nervous about all the freedom he was getting, going from a cage, to a hospital room, to being able to roam freely around the centre was a bit overwhelming. He looked outside and wondered whether he should take his food to the garden, Melody had said that people could do that. It would be nice to get some fresh air.

Mac set his book down and got up, heading towards the dining hall, thinking that going outside was a perfect idea. He entered the room, being one of the first there, he gave his name when asked, finding that speaking it again wasn’t too difficult. Once he had his tray of food he made his way to the garden, sitting at one of the benches, thankful that the sun was still shining. It was a little awkward eating with one hand, but he managed, soaking up the sun once he’d finished. Mac thought that he could stay there all evening.


	14. Chapter 14

Mac was startled from his thoughts by a voice to his left, a male voice telling him it was time to head in. He turned and froze, the man looked exactly like Victor. Mac’s breathing started to pick up, the man approached and put a hand on Mac’s shoulder.

“No,” Mac cried, scrambling to get away.

“Hey man, I don’t make the rules,” the man said, not realising that Mac was afraid of him. “Everyone needs to be inside by 9pm.”

Mac couldn’t tell reality from his memories; what Victor had done to him was playing vividly through his mind and the man approaching him was making things worse.

“Come on, you have to come inside,” the man said, reaching out once more and taking Mac’s arm in his.

Mac pulled his arm away and managed to get across the garden, stopping when his breathing became too laboured. Mac knew that he was having a panic attack, knew that he needed to calm himself down, he just couldn’t do it, his brain was working overdrive.

“Dammit,” the man said, coming over to where Mac had stopped. “Just calm down ok, you can come back out tomorrow.”

Mac’s vision was going dark, his breaths coming too quickly, if he passed out then who knew what would happen. He managed to slow his breathing somewhat, getting a little bit of control, which was shattered when the man got in his face, grabbing his wrist and pulling.

Mac screamed, wrenching his arm away, wanting to hit out but not being able with his other arm in a sling. The man let go and stepped backwards, finally understanding that something was wrong. The door to the building opened and Melody came running out.

“What happened?” She asked, approaching Mac cautiously.

“He freaked out,” the man said. “I thought he was just being stubborn about coming inside, but then he looked scared.”

“Mac, it’s Melody, you’re ok, you’re safe,” Melody repeated the words, getting closer and closer, finally resting her hand on Mac’s arm.

Mac had been listening to the words, knowing deep down that he should listen to them, knowing that he recognised the voice. When the light touch to his arm came he looked up and saw her, he burst into tears and sank to his knees.

Melody immediately put her arms around him, still mummering encouraging words, until Mac’s breathing slowed to normal and his sobs turned to silent tears.

“Shall we get you inside?” Melody asked, helping Mac to his feet when he nodded. “Damien can you get the door.”

Damien raced forward holding the door open, keeping his distance, not knowing whether it was something about him that had set the panic attack off.

Soon the three of them were back in Mac’s room, and Mac was settled on the bed with Lola licking the last of the tears on his face, he immediately started to feel embarrassed.

“Sorry,” he muttered, glancing up at Melody as she pulled the covers over him.

Melody smiled at him, knowing that he hadn’t been speaking. “Don’t be sorry sweetie, everyone has panic attacks. We just need to find out what triggered it.”

Mac automatically looked at Damien, his eyes going down straight away.

Melody looked over at her colleague, hoping that the man hadn’t done anything deliberately to upset their patient. “We’ll talk about it in the morning, right now get some rest, call us if you need anything.”

Mac closed his eyes, drained from excitement, his breathing evening out into sleep practically straight away.

Melody motioned for Damien to follow her out of the room, shutting the door behind her. “What happened?”

“I told you, I thought he was resisting going inside, next thing I know he’s having a panic attack,” Damien responded, pacing up and down.

“Did you do anything specific to start it off?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, people don’t usually just have panic attacks for no reason.”

Damien stopped pacing, looking at his colleague, hoping that she didn’t think he’d deliberately hurt a patient. “He looked at me and freaked, maybe I remind him of someone.”

“It’s possible, we’ll talk to Tom in the morning,” Melody said, walking away from the room. “I’m sorry Damien, I didn’t mean to imply anything.”

Damien nodded, knowing that Melody was only trying to protect a patient, he wasn’t going to take it personally. Hopefully, he wouldn’t have to avoid MacGyver for long, it would be strange trying to do his job while trying to avoid one of the patients.

Mac awoke the next morning feeling terrible, his sleep was filled with nightmares of Victor, waking up in a panic, sometimes yelling out. Lola was present through it all, with Melody coming in a couple of times to help calm him down.

Mac really wished he could just stay under the covers and not face anyone; he knew that it was inevitable that they would want to talk about what had happened and he just wasn’t ready. He hated the idea that everyone might know what had happened to him. What Victor had done had been the worst moments of his life, he wanted to forget that it happened and thought that he had buried it. Deep down Mac knew that it was obviously still affecting him and that it wasn’t something he could forget.

The door opened and Melody came in. “Morning Mac, I know you probably wish you could stay in here today and I understand. That’s not how therapy works though, and I think you know that.”

Mac sighed, sitting up. Melody was right of course; he wasn’t going to get better if he hid out in his room.

“How about a shower and then some breakfast. Once you’re done with that, Tom would like to speak to you,” Melody said, approaching the bed.

Mac nodded, a shower sounded nice, it was awkward to do with his shoulder, so he had yet to have one. Getting up and heading into the bathroom, smiling shyly when Melody followed.

“I’ll help you get started and then wait outside. I’m sure you can manage by yourself, but holler if you need me,” Melody explained, helping Mac out of his sling.

Mac nodded once more, glad that it was Melody and not one of the males, with Victor still in his mind he didn’t think he could cope with that.

An hour later and Mac was sitting in the therapy room, waiting for Tom to arrive. Melody had walked him in and then told him that she wouldn’t be in for a couple of days. He knew that she needed time off, but secretly he wished she could stay, out of everyone Mac trusted her the most.

“Mac, I hear there was an incident last night outside,” Tom said, once he’d settled himself across from Mac. “Can you tell me about it?”

Mac had been going over what he was going to say all morning, knowing that he needed to tell Tom something, but not ready to go into details. He typed a quick response on his computer, turning it for the doctor to see.

*Damien reminded me of someone who hurt me, I’m sorry I worried everyone*

“You don’t have to apologise Mac, as I’m sure Melody said last night, everyone gets panic attacks from time to time. Finding out triggers and minimising them is how we move forward. I would also like to talk out who hurt you and how.”

*His name was Victor, I’m not ready to talk about him*

“I’m not going to push you to talk when you’re not ready Mac. All I will say is that these panic attacks won’t stop until you face what happened. All I can do for now is make sure Damien keeps his distance, at least until we can talk about this.”

*He took me by surprise when he came up to me, I should be ok with him, if he doesn’t get too close*

“I’ll speak with him, he certainly feels bad about what happened last night, I’m sure he’ll be willing to do anything to make you more comfortable,” Tom replied, hating that one of the team had caused such a bad reaction. “On a happier note, Jack and Vanessa are eager to visit, I’m happy for them to come this afternoon if that’s ok with you.”

Mac smiled, nodding enthusiastically, he was dying to see Jack and it would be nice to see Vanessa too.

“I’ll take that as a yes then and arrange it,” Tom said, smiling at his patient’s reaction. “Before you go I’d like to see if you’ve given any thought to the homework I set?”

Mac nodded again, bringing up the words he’d written the day before and handing over his computer, he watched as Tom read through his list, wondering why his doctor was frowning.

“There isn’t anything positive here Mac,” Tom said, hoping that his patient would have responded better to the task. “And all of the things you’ve written are things that were out of your control. Do you not think you should be comforted when you’re upset or have your friends look after you? People worrying about you is a choice that they make and looking after you and comforting you is also something that someone choses to do, you don’t control those things.”

Mac took his computer back and wrote.

*Even if someone chooses it, it still makes me a burden. They have no choice but to look after me, and when they worry, and I can see that they’re hurting it makes me feel bad for causing so many problems*

“Did you want to be taken by your father Mac? Did you ask for the abuse and the terrible things that he did?” Tom asked, already knowing the answer.

Mac shook his head, averting his eyes, knowing that Tom was going to say that it wasn’t his fault.

“I didn’t think so. But you still blame yourself for needing people while you recover, you wish that things would just get back to normal and you hate yourself for not being able to just get over it and be yourself again.”

Mac looked up at Tom’s words, it was if he’d reached into Mac’s brain and taken the words straight out. He nodded, tears falling, that was exactly how he felt.

“If this had happened to someone else on you team, would you expect them to just bounce back and be ok? Or would you be happy to be there for them and look after them?”

*Of course, they couldn’t just go back to normal, they’d need time to heal. And I’d be there every step of the way, whatever they needed*

“So why is it different for you?” Tom asked, interested to know what Mac’s reply would be.

Mac stopped, sitting back and thinking about the question. His immediate response was that he wasn’t worth it, but those were his father’s words not his.

*James would say I’m not worth it, or that I shouldn’t need other people, I should be strong enough to look after myself*

“And what would you say?”

*I can’t help but believe him. Even though I know it’s not true. If this happened to anyone else I would expect them to need me. So, I shouldn’t feel bad that I need help*

Tom smiled, glad that Mac had said those words, however uncertain he still was. “I think we need to keep working on it. You need to be able to push your father’s words away completely and know that it’s ok to ask for help. Once you realise that, you shouldn’t feel bad whenever someone helps you, just grateful.”

Mac smiled back, hoping that he would be able to feel ok with everyone helping him, rather than feeling guilty.

“I’d like you to go away now, maybe sit in the garden and think about what we’ve talked about. Maybe you could talk to Jack about some of this when he visits.”

Mac smiled again, nodding, leaving the room feeling a little better than when he went in. He headed back to his room to get Lola, knowing that she’d be happy having some fresh air, the poor thing had been cooped up inside for a couple of days.

They hesitantly made their way out to the gardens, hoping that they wouldn’t bump into anyone, especially Damien. Mac felt bad that the man would have to keep his distance; it wasn’t his fault that he looked like Victor. Mac hoped that he could get over his fear of him quickly, avoiding someone in a small place was not going to be easy.


	15. Chapter 15

Jack was happy for the first time since he dropped Mac off at the centre, he was going to visit, and he couldn’t stop smiling.

“I’m glad you’re happy Jack, but some of us have to stay here so maybe turn it down a notch,” Bozer said, shaking his head at his friend’s excitement.

“You’ll be able to see him soon Boze, don’t worry,” Jack replied, knowing him and Riley were eager to see Mac.

“I know he needs space and time; it’s just it’s been six months Jack. Six months since I’ve seen my best friend for more than a few minutes, I’m ready for this to be over!” Bozer exclaimed, letting his head fall onto the back of the couch.

“I know it’s rough, I’d feel the same man and all I can do is give Mac a message from you guys. Be patient, even though I know that’s hard. Before ya know it, Mac will be back home, and you’ll be sick of him.”

“I could never be sick of him,” Bozer replied, hating that he felt so bad. “I don’t even have Lola to remind me of him.”

“It’s tough man, you just need to be strong for a little bit longer. Mac will be ok, as much as it hurts us to be away from him, he needs this right now.”

Bozer nodded, knowing that his friend was right, they had no idea what hell Mac had gone through in the last six months and even though he was dying for things to go back to some semblance of normal he knew that wouldn’t happen anytime soon. He just had to accept that Mac needed to work through things before he was anywhere back to what he was before and just be grateful that they had him back at all.

“Did Matty sort out the paperwork for Mac yet?” Bozer asked, looking over at his friend in the kitchen.

“She’s dealing with it now. I don’t envy her man, it was hard enough declaring Mac dead, now she’s gotta put everything in reverse, it’s not gonna be easy.”

“As long as it’s fixed for when Mac comes home. Do you think we should even tell him?”

“Probably a good idea, although not yet, he’s got enough to deal with,” Jack replied, bringing over the coffee he’d just made. “I hate that we gave up on him”

“We didn’t give up on him Jack,” Bozer cried. “It had to be done, it’d been six months and there was nothing, we couldn’t keep going the way we were. He’s not gonna blame us.”

“I’m not sure how I’d feel if it were me. To come home and find out his friends declared him dead and were starting to move on with their lives.”

Jack hated himself for that, he hadn’t wanted to go through with it at first, getting into an argument with the others when it was suggested.

“You can’t be serious?” Jack exclaimed, pacing the floor.

“Jack, it’s been six months,” Matty replied, her voice soft. “We can’t keep going the way we have; we all need some closure.”

“Closure! You think we’ll all just miraculously get closure if we legally declare Mac dead? Ya think it’ll be that easy?”

“I don’t think any of this will be easy, but it needs to be done. We’re all living in limbo Jack, it’s got to stop, we need to start moving forward. As much as it hurts, the likelihood of Mac coming home is slim, we have to stop hoping and praying and start living.”

Jack closed his eyes, a few tears falling down his face. He knew that Matty was right, knew that it was unlikely Mac would be coming back, knew that this was the right way to go.

“It’s just hard Matty.”

“I know Jack. Do you think you’re the only one affected by this? I’m hurting too, we’re all hurting,” Matty replied. “We’ll never stop thinking about him Jack, deep down we’ll never stop believing he’ll be found. But we need to do this, today.”

And they had, they’d declared Mac missing presumed dead, packed up his belongings and moved forward the best they could. A few weeks later and they’d received the call they’d all been waiting for.

“Man, if we’d have just waited, we wouldn’t have to go through all of this again,” Jack said, knowing that they all thought the same.

“I think I’m gonna start putting some of Mac’s stuff back in his room,” Bozer said, nodding to Jack’s comment. “I know it’ll be a while before he’s home, but it just feels like the right thing to do.”

“Sounds good Boze, maybe get Riley to help. When I get back from seeing Mac we can order pizza and I can tell you both all about it.”

The plan was set and soon Jack was leaving to pick up Vanessa, the smile never leaving his face.

“I can tell you’re excited Jack,” Vanessa said, once she’d settled into the car. “All I ask is that you keep an open mind. We don’t know what’s been happening.”

“I know doc, I’m not thinking that Mac will miraculously be healed, I’m just happy that we’re gonna get to see him,” Jack replied, knowing that he’d sober up a bit once they reached the centre.

“Good, I’m happy to be seeing him too,” Vanessa added, smiling back at Jack and then looking out at the world passing them by.

Mac had decided that he’d go back out into the garden for his visit with Jack and Vanessa, it was a nice day, and his room didn’t have many places to get comfortable. He sat patiently at a table, his computer open and ready.

When Jack and Vanessa arrived, they were told that Tom wanted to speak to them before they saw Mac, so they made their way to his office.

“I won’t keep you long, I just wanted to give you an update before you went out to see him,” Tom said, motioning for them to take a seat.

“How’s he doin doc?” Jack asked, worried that there was gonna be bad news.

“He’s doing well, we’ve had a couple of sessions since he’s arrived, and I think we’ve made some progress. I won’t go into too many details, I’m aware as his psychiatrist and his medical proxy that you are both privy to updates, but I don’t want to break the trust Mac has with me.”

“And we wouldn’t expect that Dr Read,” Vanessa replied.

“What I can say is that he’s spoken a few words since he’s arrived, not many but we’re working on that. The only thing I wanted to make you aware of is a panic attack he had yesterday, in case anything was to set him off during your visit.”

“We’re both used to Mac having panic attacks,” Jack replied. “Was it serious?”

“He calmed down fairly quickly; it was the reason behind it that worries me. He told me one of the aides reminded him of someone that hurt him but wouldn’t go into any details. The man’s name was Victor. Have you come across anyone in your investigation?”

“Yeah, there was a body found on the farm, looks to have been killed, his name was Victor,” Jack replied, frowning at the fact. “Maybe this guy hurt Mac and James was upset about it, killed him.”

“It’s possible, I just hope that Mac didn’t witness it, I’m sure even though this Victor hurt him, Mac would feel guilty if he was killed because of it.”

Jack and Vanessa exchanged a look, knowing that the doctor was right.

“Will Mac be ok around this aide?” Vanessa asked.

“Damien has agreed to keep his distance if he can, at least until Mac and I can speak more about it,” Tom replied, standing up. “Let’s not keep Mac waiting any longer.”

Jack didn’t need to be told twice, following the doc through the centre and out into the garden. Mac was sitting at a table over to the side, Lola laying at his feet on the grass. As soon as she saw them she was up and racing over, greeting them both with yelps and licks to their faces. She soon headed back to her human though, knowing that she shouldn’t leave him for long.

Mac turned when Lola darted off, smiling when he saw the reason. He was soon in Jack’s arms, clinging tightly to the back of his shirt with his free hand, crying openly, his head resting in the crook of Jack’s neck.

“Hey kiddo, it’s good to see you too,” Jack said, tearing up himself. He held tightly, knowing that Mac would compose himself when he was ready.

Mac pulled away after a minute, smiling at Vanessa who had taken a seat. “Hi.”

“Hey Mac, it’s good to see you,” Vanessa replied, smiling back at him.

They all say down, Mac sitting closely to Jack, afraid that he would disappear.

*How is everyone*

“They’re good, miss you like crazy,” Jack responded, hoping that he’d hear a few more words before they left.

*Maybe they can come visit next time?*

“We can definitely arrange that.”

Mac smiled, eager to see Bozer and Riley again, even Matty. His face fell a little when he realised that Sam wouldn’t be coming, Jack had told him that she’d gone back to Australia and he didn’t think she’d be coming back.

“So, what’s it like here?” Jack asked, deciding to ignore the sadness that suddenly appeared on Mac’s face.

*Good, lots of space and everyone is nice*

“Tom told us you’d had a couple of sessions and he though it was going well,” Vanessa said, hoping that Mac would open up to them a little.

Mac nodded, knowing that Tom had probably told them about the panic attack, hoping that they wouldn’t bring it up.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, each finding the quiet a little awkward, Jack had been so excited to see Mac, but now he was on edge, not wanting to say the wrong thing. Vanessa knew that her being there was making Mac nervous, he was used to her getting him to speak about his problems and that wasn’t why she was there. Sighing she looked around, hoping that some inspiration would hit.

“Maybe I could take Lola for a walk?” Vanessa asked, looking at the dog and realising that Mac wouldn’t be able to take her far.

Mac looked from Vanessa to Lola, unsure. “Stay?” He asked Jack.

“Yeah hoss, I’ll stay here,” Jack replied, glad he’d been able to hear his friend’s voice.

Mac nodded, handing Vanessa Lola’s lead, rubbing his hand over her fur before they headed off. He relaxed a little once Vanessa was gone, feeling bad he might be hurting her feelings.

“So, what do you wanna do kiddo?” Jack asked, hoping Mac might talk more with Vanessa gone.

Mac shrugged, not knowing what to suggest, there wasn’t really a lot to do at the centre, some board games and books, a gym and the garden.

“I’m happy doing whatever you want hoss,” Jack said, smiling and putting an arm around Mac’s shoulders. “Is there anything ya wanna ask?”

*Tom suggested I talk to you about some things I’ve been feeling*

“Ok, what things?”

*How much of a burden I am, even though you’re gonna say I’m not*

“Ok, well that was gonna be my exact response, now I can’t say it,” Jack replied, smiling. “Mac, you have to understand that whatever happened to you while you were gone it’s gonna take time for you to heal from that. Me and the others are gonna be here every step of the way, because we wanna be, not because we have to be, or feel abligated to do it.” 

“Obligated,” Mac corrected, automatically.

“That’s what I said.”

Mac smiled, knowing that Jack had said the word wrong on purpose.

*I know all those things, it’s hard to not feel like a burden. To feel bad that you’ve all had to put your lives on hold, hate myself for hurting you*

“Hey now, none of what happened with James was your fault, us hurting isn’t on you, it’s on him. As for putting our lives on hold, you would have done the same thing if it’d been the other way around.”

Mac nodded, leaning against Jack, glad that the man understood. Mac rested his head on Jack’s shoulder, happy to have his friend with him, knowing that he would have to leave soon and not wanting to be alone again.

“I’m gonna be here so much that you’ll get sick of me,” Jack said, almost as if he’d read Mac’s mind. “The others too.”

Mac was content to sit against Jack, breathing in his scent and feeling safe in that moment. The silence was interrupted by a voice.

“Is your friend staying for dinner Mac,” Luke asked, coming over to stand next to the table.

Mac looked from Luke to Jack, not knowing what to say.

“I’d like to if that’s ok?” Jack replied, looking at Mac for a response.

Mac smiled, nodding, turning to Luke.

“Great, when you’re ready just come into the dining hall and we’ll get you sorted,” Luke answered.

“Thanks,” Jack said, turning to Mac as Luke walked away. “He seemed nice.”

*He is, everyone is so far*

“How about Damien, I hear he gave you a scare?” Jack asked, unsure if he should have brought it up.

Mac froze for a second, he knew that Tom would have told Jack about the night before, he didn’t realise he’d go into so much detail.

*He reminded me of someone*

“Tom said, a guy named Victor.”

Mac turned towards Jack, nodding, he was scared that Jack was going to have questions, questions he didn’t have answers to.

“You know it’s not him right?” Jack asked, not wanting to upset his friend.

Again, Mac nodded.

“If it helps, Victor is dead.”

Mac head came around so quickly that he thought he’d get whiplash; did he just hear right?

“Yeah buddy, we found his body buried on the farm. I think James killed him.”

Mac froze, James had promised that Victor would never be back, and he hadn’t been, Mac had assumed that his father had just sent him away. Turned out James had killed the man.

“I didn’t mean to upset ya kiddo,” Jack said, putting his arm back around his friend. “I thought it might help.”

“Thanks,” Mac whispered, leaning against Jack again.

“You’re welcome bud.”

They sat in silence, each thinking about Victor. Jack was desperate to know what he had done to Mac, wanted to know why James had killed him. Mac was trying not to think about what Victor had done, trying not to feel grateful to his father for killing him. He shivered at the thought that if James hadn’t have cared about what Victor had done the abuse might have continued. Being violated like that had been his worst nightmare, thinking that it could have been a regular thing made him feel sick. He hated himself for thinking it, but he was glad his father had been there to take care of him. At least some part of James must have cared about him, he killed the man who had raped him, surely you didn’t do that unless you cared. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used creative license for the declaring Mac dead, I realise it usually takes longer but wanted to add it in.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the long wait, real life took over. Hopefully worth the wait

Soon it was time for Mac to start his immersion therapy, he had been anxious each session he’d had with Tom but was told that his shoulder needed to be healed more before they started. Today was the day and to say Mac was nervous was an understatement. He pushed his breakfast around his plate rather than eating it, getting a look from Melody that told him he needed to stop. He couldn’t help it, his shoulder was much better, out of the sling and slowly getting back to normal and he was putting more weight on, no where near back to his old self but a lot better than he was when he arrived.

“Mac honey, what’s the matter?” Melody asked, sitting next to him.

“Sorry,” Mac said instead of answering, knowing that he was worrying her.

“I didn’t ask for an apology, I wanted to check if you were ok,” Melody replied.

Mac had started talking a little more, saying a few words here and there. She knew that he wouldn’t answer her question with a lot of words, usually he would get his point across somehow.

“Nervous,” Mac said, knowing it was silly keeping things from Melody.

“I’d be surprised if you weren’t,” Melody replied, she knew Mac was about to go through a new therapy and wasn’t surprised he was anxious. “Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t eat.”

Mac shovelled the food into his mouth, going slowly in case he made himself sick, Melody was right as usual.

An hour later and Mac was in the therapy room, wondering why there was a projector there, thinking it must have something to do with him.

“Yes, it’s got to do with your therapy,” Tom said, as he noticed Mac’s eyes on the machine. “We’re going to start off slowly today. The projector will be used later, to start with I want to teach you some relaxation techniques and just talk about what happened.” 

Mac swallowed and then bit his lip, he knew that he would have to think about what he’d endured, but he didn’t know how Tom was going to go about it.

“Therapy is supposed to help Mac, if you get overwhelmed we’ll stop, I’m not going to cause further damage and I certainly don’t want to hinder the recovery you’ve already made.”

Mac nodded, trusting that Tom would stop if he asked.

“Now I need you to sit up straight and tense up your muscles, I’m sure at the moment that won’t be too difficult,” Tom instructed, sitting in a chair opposite his patient.

Mac certainly didn’t need to try hard to tense up his muscles, he was tenser than usual and wondered why he was being asked to do it.

“Now I’d like you to close your eyes, slowly you’re going to concentrate on your breathing and relax each of your muscles, breathe in and out, in and out, let your tension fade away with each breath, slowly feel all the tension leave your body.”

Tom continued to speak for another few minutes, Mac finding himself relaxing further and further, his muscles no longer tense.

“Now in a moment I’m going to start talking about your experience, I expect your muscles to tense up again as you get anxious, just keeping breathing, do exactly what we’ve been doing, and you’ll be fine. If at any time you want me to stop, say stop or raise your hand.”

Mac nodded, hoping that he didn’t react too badly to what Tom was about to do.

“Ok Mac, think back to wearing that metal gag, think about how it felt and how it made you feel,” Tom began, seeing the anxiety already starting in his patient. “It was hard and cold, probably a heavy thing to have in your mouth. As the day went on it got more uncomfortable, painful, it was hard to swallow, possibly hard to breath.”

Mac was back there, to that first day, he could feel his wrists and ankles being restrained, could feel the metal forced into his mouth. He felt the panic when his father left and told him that he would have the thing in for the rest of the day. He could hear Tom talking, every word was true, it had been hard and cold, the heaviness was almost unbearable. At first he thought he could handle it; it was horrible, and he wished that James hadn’t put it in, but he thought he would be ok. He was wrong, by the end he was crying, it was painful, and it was practically impossible to swallow, his mouth had been as dry as the desert.

“Now I want you to breath, in and out, you’re not there anymore, you’re not wearing it, we’re just talking about it and you’re safe,” Tom spoke softly. “In and out, in and out.”

Mac was finding it difficult to breath in and out like he had before, he couldn’t get the vision of the gag out of his head, could swear that he could feel it in his mouth, breathing was the only thing he could do while he was sitting in the barn waiting for his father to return. He focussed on that, the way he breathed, conscious that if he choked he would die.

“That’s it Mac, breath in and out and relax your muscles.”

What felt like hours later Mac was relaxed, his muscles felt slightly tense and he was still anxious, but his breathing was even, and he opened his eyes.

“Well done Mac, that was a very good first step,” Tom said, standing up and pouring some water into a glass. “Here, drink this.”

Mac was grateful for the water, thinking it strange that it followed the same pattern as that first day he had the gag in, his father had released him and put him back in his cage and then given him some water.

“We’ll take a few minutes and then move on to the projector.”

They sat in silence, Tom typing on his computer and Mac drinking his water and trying not to worry about the next part.

“Ok, do you think you’re ready?” Tom asked, wanting to move forward but willing to stop if his patient wasn’t up for it.

Mac nodded, wanting to get this over with, the sooner they did this therapy the sooner he could hopefully start speaking again.

Tom clicked a few buttons on the computer connected to the projector, turning to Mac once he’d finished. “I’d like you to spend a few minutes looking at the pictures that will appear on the screen, it will be similar to what we just went through, except instead of talking about wearing the gag you’ll be seeing pictures.”

Mac nodded, wondering if it would be worse than before. His recall was quite good but seeing pictures might make things clearer.

“Again, if you want to stop just say stop or raise your hand.”

The pictures started, a slideshow of sorts and Mac’s breathing started to race again. He saw the gag, there were numerous pictures of it, from all angles, then there were pictures of the barn, the chair that he was tied to. It moved from one to the other and back again. Throughout Tom was speaking once again, asking him to breath in and out.

He tried he really did, his muscles had tensed completely, and his breathing was becoming erratic, he couldn’t get his mind away from the pictures. He could feel everything as if it were happening to him again, the weight of the metal in his mouth, the ropes tight around his wrists and ankles, the tears on his face and James’s words.

Soon the projector went blank and Tom was next to him, pushing his head between his knees, telling him to breath, that it was ok he was safe.

Next thing he knew Lola was licking his face and he was pulling her towards him, his breathing slowing once he had her in his arms. A slight wooziness running though his head, maybe from the lack of oxygen.

“Mac, I’ve given you something to help you relax, it’s only mild but I needed to get your breathing back to normal,” Tom said, his hand on Mac’s shoulder. “You did really well today Mac, let’s get you back to your room so you can rest.”

A while later Mac found himself curled up on his bed, Lola next to him and Jack sitting beside him.

“Jack?” Mac questioned, when did he get here.

“Yeah kiddo, doc called, thought maybe you could use a friendly face,” Jack said, his hand coming up to Mac’s head.

Jack had been upset when he’d reached the centre and found Mac in his room, he was told about the therapy and was going to come for a visit anyway, Tom had called to see if he could bring the visit forward, Matty practically chasing him out of the door.

He’d found Mac crying silently, curled up on his side, completely oblivious to what was happening around him. Which Jack found out was from the drugs Tom had given him.

“You doin ok?”

Mac nodded, smiling when he felt Jack run his fingers through his hair, he’d never say but he secretly loved it when Jack did it, it relaxed him and made him feel loved and safe. Something he’d never had once his mother had died.

“You scared me bud,” Jack said, his fingers continuing their motion once he felt Mac relax under his hand. “You gotta stop doin that.”

“Sorry.” 

“It’s ok, wasn’t your fault.”

They sat in silence for a while longer, Mac feeling a lot better and Jack content to watch his friend, knowing that he was ok.

“Can I get either of you anything?” Melody asked, knocking on the door and popping her head in.

“I’m good thanks Mel,” Jack said, liking the girl who looked after Mac so well.

Mac was thirsty but not for water, maybe a juice, he looked at Jack, hoping that his telepathy was still working.

“Thirsty buddy?” Jack asked, when he saw Mac lick his lips. Mac nodded. “Water?” Mac shook his head. “Juice.”

Mac smiled, he and Jack could still communicate without many words, he supposed it would come in handy.

“Juice it is, I’ll bring you one in Mac,” Melody said, smiling at the two men. Reappearing in no time with a glass. “Be careful honey, I think I filled in a little full.”

Mac sat up and smiled, taking the glass and drinking almost half in one go.

“Slow down hoss, it ain’t going nowhere,” Jack exclaimed, putting his hand on Mac’s arm.

Mac did as he was told and sipped the rest, content to sit there having Jack watch over him.

“Mac, are you feeling better?” Tom asked, walking in and standing off to the side.

Mac nodded, feeling a little bad that he reacted so badly in the session. He was fine when they were just talking and then he saw the pictures and he was thrown. He was obviously more traumatised than he realised.

“You look better,” Tom replied. “You did very well today Mac, I don’t want you to be put off by what happened. Next time should go better.”

“Next time?” Jack cried.

“Yes, immersion therapy is an ongoing thing, start small and work our way up.”

“So, this is normal?” Jack asked, pointing at Mac.

“Normal isn’t the word I’d use, but people have been known to suffer panic attacks in these sessions, trauma isn’t easy to deal with, there are going to be setbacks. I just hope that you’ll continue Mac?”

Mac nodded, wanting to carry on, knowing that Tom was the expert, he desperately wanted to talk again, at least more than a couple of words.

“Good, we’ll try again tomorrow.”

Mac and Jack soon headed into the common room, picking a table and a board game and setting themselves up. Lunch was served and then it was time for Jack to leave. He promised that the day after tomorrow Bozer and Riley were visiting, they wanted to give Mac a few more days to get settled and then come. Eager to see their friend but knowing they didn’t want push too soon.

The next day soon came and went, therapy went better, a slight panic attack but Mac managed to relax himself fully without the need for drugs or Lola. Tom suggested they take a day’s break and then have another session, he wanted to get Mac’s mind and body so used to the metal gag that it would think nothing of it if it was brought up in conversation. The goal was that Mac wouldn’t fear it anymore and that would lead him to start talking again.

The day after his session approached and soon Mac was in the garden waiting for Riley and Bozer, facing the doors this time so he’d notice when they came through.

He jumped up when he saw them, a little like Lola was doing, of course she beat him to his friends, soon back at his feet, waiting for him to come out and greet them too. For some reason he was stuck to the spot.

“Hey Mac, it good to see you,” Bozer called, approaching.

Riley speaking almost the same words, a smile on her face. She approached just as cautiously, the three of them standing there deciding if it was a good idea to hug or not.

Bozer broke the ice by reaching out, Mac automatically falling into his arms, Riley coming around and making a Mac sandwich.

He smiled and squeezed both his friends, why was he ever nervous about them coming, this was exactly what he needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea if any of that would happen in real life, I researched as best I could and then went from there. Hopefully it sounded believable


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, talk of sexual assault.

The next week went well for Mac and he realised that he was starting to feel more like himself, his friends had come frequently for visits, his therapy with Tom was coming a long and his shoulder was basically back to normal. He still felt depressed at times, especially knowing that he wouldn’t be going home until there was a lot more improvement. He also felt guilty for how he’d been feeling, the thoughts of wishing he were dead, wishing that his father had killed him or that he’d fall asleep and never wake up. Everyone told him that it was normal, he’d been through a trauma, he wasn’t miraculously going to feel ok.

“Mac, we’ve talked about this, it’s natural for you to feel this way. It’s a good sign that you feel guilty, it means that you know wanting to die was a mistake. Now I don’t want these feelings to overwhelm you, so we need to work through them,” Vanessa said.

Vanessa had started therapy with Mac once more, now that he was more settled, Tom felt that it was good for him to talk to someone that he was familiar with.

Mac sighed, knowing that she was right. Sometimes the feelings did overwhelm him, when Jack and the others were visiting sometimes he would go quiet and not want to be around them because he felt so guilty for almost leaving them.

“It’s hard,” Mac replied, his head down, picking at a loose thread on his hoodie.

“I know it is Mac, but that’s what I’m here for. You’re not alone and I know that your friends feel the same way,” Vanessa responded. “Have you thought about talking to them about this?”

“No!” Mac cried, looking up.

“I think it would help for them to know what you’re feeling,” Vanessa answered, wishing that Mac weren’t so against the idea.

Mac brought his computer towards him; he was talking more but still couldn’t manage long sentences.

*They have enough to deal with without me piling more on, I don’t think about dying anymore so there’s no point us going over it so much*

“I’m glad that you don’t feel like that anymore, but just because it’s in the past doesn’t mean it’s not affecting the present,” Vanessa replied, pausing to think of a way to get through to her patient. “Guilt can eat at you Mac and before you know it, it’s ruined parts of your life that you would never think it could touch.”

Mac looked at Vanessa his brow furrowed, not understanding what she meant.

“You think that you can push it aside and it will just go away, it doesn’t work like that. Emotions are hard to deal with at the best of times, but when you’re fragile, and I’m sorry Mac but that is what you are, it makes them doubly hard to push aside. You don’t deal with this and it’ll eat away at you, soon you’ll not want to see your friends because it hurts too much to think while they’re around, you’ll start to retreat into yourself and we’ve only just started to pull you out. Please Mac we need to talk about this.”

Mac pulled his feet up onto the chair and rested his chin onto his knees, tears trailing his cheeks. He couldn’t go backwards, and he couldn’t let his friends down. If Vanessa thought that talking was the way to go then that’s what he’d do. He wasn’t happy about including the others, he’d meant it when he said they already had more than enough to deal with.

“Ok.”

“I know you’re struggling with words at the moment, but I need a little more than that Mac,” Vanessa said, hopeful that she’d got through and not overwhelmed him.

“I’ll do, what you think…. Is best,” Mac spoke slowly.

“Good,” Vanessa replied. “We’ll stop for now; I think it would be a good idea for you to think about how you wanna move forward. I’ll come back tomorrow, and we can talk some more.”

Mac nodded, pleased that he was gonna get a reprieve, he was feeling emotional and really wanted to lay down.

Walking into his room a few minutes later Mac was relived that Lola was there to greet him, he always felt better when she was there. They both curled up on the bed and fell asleep, not waking until there was a knock at the door.

“Hey Mac, I’m sorry to wake you but you’ll miss lunch if you don’t come out soon,” Melody said, poking her head through the door.

“Coming,” Mac replied, rubbing his eyes.

He reached the dining hall just in time to get something, taking it into the garden, he could use some fresh air. There were a couple of people out there and Mac nodded to them as he passed, taking an empty table.

Once he had started speaking a little more, Tom had suggested getting to know some of the other patients, so Mac had started group therapy. It wasn’t what he was expecting, there was no circle of chairs all bearing their souls to each other, instead there were chairs and tables, people could talk if they wanted, or they could read, paint, play games. Mac had spoken to a few others, he’d gotten a few stories about why other people were there, not ready to share his but knowing that no one would judge him when he was.

“Hey Mac, we thought you weren’t gonna make it,” Georgina said, standing by the table, Ray standing next to her.

“Fell asleep,” Mac replied, motioning for them to sit.

“Tough session?” Ray asked.

Mac nodded, not wanting to discuss it.

“We all know how that feels,” Georgina said, getting comfortable. “I started opening up a little more with Tom yesterday, felt awful afterwards.”

“It gets better,” Ray replied. “I’m getting close to finishing; I tell you it’ll be good to get out of here. Not that it hasn’t been a great help.”

“But you wanna get home,” Georgina said, understanding.

“You bet I do, got my husband and kids to get back to. It’s gonna be strange, but I think I’m ready.”

“Good for you,” Mac responded, knowing it would be a while before he was saying those words.

“You’ll both get there too,” Ray said smiling. “Just takes time.”

As Mac was heading back to his room an hour later he came face to face with Damien, freezing instantly not knowing what to do. He hadn’t seen the man up close since the panic attack and Mac was starting to think the man had left.

“Hey man, don’t freak out ok, I’ll go around you,” Damien said, holding his hands up to show he wasn’t a threat.

Mac couldn’t help feeling scared, he knew it was stupid, this man wasn’t Victor, but he looked so much like him it freaked him out. He watched as Damien made his way around Mac, heading off in the other direction as soon as he was clear. Mac still didn’t move, he wasn’t sure why, but his feet were rooted to the spot.

“Mac, everything’s ok,” Melody said, coming up on his right. “Let’s get you back to your room.”

Mac nodded, letting Melody take his hand and lead him back to his room, settling him on a chair and standing in front of him until he’d calmed down.

“Sorry,” Mac said, an instant response.

“I take it you haven’t talked about what happened with Victor?” Melody asked, the staff had been informed that Damien reminded Mac of someone that had hurt him, and they were to keep the two apart until things could be resolved.

Mac shook his head; Tom had brought it up again, but Mac still didn’t want to talk. He thought that maybe it would all be ok, especially as he hadn’t seen Damien.

“I think maybe it’s time you did,” Melody said. “You can’t keep avoiding him Mac.”

“I know,” Mac replied, biting his lip. “Hard.”

“Of course, it’ll be hard most therapy is. Doesn’t mean that you don’t try. If you want to move forward then you need to talk about anything that’s holding you back.”

After making sure he was ok Melody left and Mac thought about what she’d said, stroking Lola and then getting up and walking towards Tom’s office.

“Come in,” Tom said after Mac knocked on the door.

“Is now, a good time?” Mac asked, walking in.

“Now is fine Mac. What can I do for you?” Tom questioned.

He had an open-door policy, if he were in the building then the patients could seek him out to talk when they needed him. Breakthroughs didn’t just happen during allotted session time.

“Victor,” was all Mac said as he sat down.

“You want to discuss what happened with Victor?” Tom asked, coming around to sit in a chair closer to his patient.

Mac nodded, not knowing where to start.

“Take your time Mac, and don’t feel like you have to speak for all of the explanation, writing is fine if you’re struggling.”

“He hurt me,” Mac started. “Badly.”

“Can you tell me how he hurt you?”

Mac closed his eyes, not knowing if he could say the words but realising that he had to. “He… raped me.”

Tom paused to take in the words, glad that his patient had finally told him the truth. He had already discovered that Mac had been sexually assaulted from James’s journal, there was a disturbing entry in there regarding the day it happened, but Tom needed Mac to tell him what had happened in his own time.

“Thank you for telling me Mac, it had to be hard.”

Mac nodded, glad that Tom didn’t sound appalled or disgusted by his admission. Mac still felt that it was something that could have been prevented, he still felt that he could have stopped it from happening somehow and thought that other people would feel the same.

“Do you want to tell me about it?”

“The first time…. was quick,” Mac started. “Second was unbearable.”

“There were two separate occasions?” Tom asked, only having read about one.

Mac nodded, reaching for his computer, he couldn’t get anymore words out.

*I met him days before, then James had him watch me and I couldn’t stop him from pulling my trousers down and assaulting me, he laughed after and told me he’d see me again*

“Did you tell your father?”

Mac shook his head.

*I think he suspected though*

“And the second time was worse?”

*He came in and said James was gone for the day, he was smiling and whistling, he opened the cage door and I knew what was gonna happen*

“Mac, you don’t have to go on if you don’t want to,” Tom said, noticing that his patient was getting upset.

“Need to,” Mac replied, writing it down helped.

*I tried to fight but he knocked me down and I was dazed, he took off my clothes and took me over to the hook in the middle of the barn. I knew what was gonna happen, but I couldn’t do anything, he raped me and then he did it again and again*

“I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for you, how painful,” Tom spoke, not knowing that the assault had been continuous.

“Worst pain….. I’ve ever felt,” Mac was crying, thinking back to that day was not easy.

*He whipped me too and then cut me down. When I was back in my cage I thought it was over, but he raped me again. Then he left*

Tom closed his eyes, hating that Mac had to go through that, thankful that he’d been slightly prepared from the words in the journal.

“What happened next?”

“James came,” Mac replied. “He cleaned me up….. gave me new clothes……..an extra blanket.”

“And that surprised you?”

Mac nodded.

*He never cared before, he hurt me so many times, called me his property. Victor had told me my father had told him to have fun with me and James knew what he’d done before even if we never spoke about it. I never understood why he was so gentle, almost like a father should be*

“I can’t say for sure Mac, but maybe he felt guilty for leaving you with such a monster. Even though he hurt you himself, what Victor did was crossing a line.”

Mac looked up. “That’s what he said.”

“Who?”

“James, he said….. Victor crossed a line.”

Tom nodded, he’d read the journal could see the words written in the page, he could tell James had been angry.

_*That bastard, how dare he touch Mac like that, he deserved more than a broken neck, I should have made him suffer. He was an animal, punishment for bad behaviour or to teach a lesson is one thing, what he did, rape, he had no right, what lesson was that teaching? He crossed a line. When I walked in to see the mess he left I was disgusted. How dare he think it was acceptable. Mac is weak, pathetic and needs discipline, but he didn’t deserve that. Now I need to take care of him. I bet Victor didn’t think about that when he was hurting him.*_

“In James’s eyes he did. You were his to do with as he wanted, it was ok for people to hurt you if he said ok, but to hurt you without permission and to do that, it was crossing the line.”

Mac nodded, it was practically what his father had said, proving his point when he let those men beat him a week later. He just wished that James had cared a little more like a father and less like the owner of something.

“Do you feel any better now that you’ve told me what happened?” Tom asked, knowing that the recovery from this was gonna take time.

Mac bit his lip, he didn’t know, he supposed it was good to get it off his chest, at least he wasn’t trying to hide it anymore. He nodded; he did feel a little better.

“Good, I think we need to talk about this some more, but not today,” Tom said, standing and walking over to his desk. “I think you should try and get some rest; I imagine this has been exhausting for you.”

Mac nodded again, he felt like he’d run a marathon, all he wanted was to crawl into bed and never get out. He’d been sleeping a lot already that day and worried he wouldn’t be able to sleep that night.

“Here are some sleeping pills, just in case,” Tom said, opening the cabinet he had at the back of the room. “I imagine you’ll be getting some nightmares and I don’t want you to have to suffer unnecessarily.”

Mac was hesitant to taking sleeping pills after all the sedatives he’d been given in the past, but he did know that he’d be getting nightmares, possibly a lot of them and if the pills helped then he’d take them. He didn’t want to be scared to sleep again, thinking about Victor was one thing, dreaming about him was another.

Mac took the pills and made his way back to his room, stopping to grab some water on the way, once he made it back he once again curled up on the bed with Lola at his side. He closed his eyes, willing for the nightmares to stay away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It may take a bit longer than usual for the next chapter, I'm working a lot over Christmas (the joys of retail) so not sure when I'll get chance to write more. I'll try not to keep you all waiting too long :-)   
> Merry Christmas


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know it's been a while, thanks for being patient. My muse went on vacation and I've only just managed to get it to come back :-)  
> I wrote this chapter fairly easily so hopefully I can write some more in the next week and update again soon.

Mac was thankful when he opened his eyes and sunlight was pouring through his window, even though he’d taken the sedatives he still had a restless night. Victor and James plagued his sleep, and he was happy to get away from them. He was surprised when he sat up that he didn’t feel overly tired, he at least must have gotten some solid sleep between the nightmares.

Mac got himself ready and fed Lola and then made his way out for breakfast, he wasn’t sure that he was up to talking to a lot of people, but he knew that he couldn’t hide away in his room.

“Morning Mac,” Annabel said, setting up some of the tables.

“Morning.”

Mac liked Annabel but much preferred Melody, Annabel was kind and helpful, but she was a little distant, not having quite the repour with everyone like Melody did. Melody always seemed to know when something was wrong and wasn’t afraid to speak her mind.

Walking past Mac greeted a few of the other residents, not stopping long in case some of them wanted to talk. He didn’t want to be rude and he hoped they understood. Sitting at a table near the back Mac ate his breakfast and thought about what he would do that day. He knew that Jack was coming to visit later, and half wanted to call him to cancel. He thought back to both Vanessa and Tom’s words, knowing that he had to find the courage to speak to Jack even though it would be hard.

Once breakfast was over Mac decided to head back to his room and do some reading, he needed to immerse himself in something other than his thoughts. He was never usually one for fiction, but after his last encounter with James he had taken it up, there wasn’t a lot to do around the house and there was only so much Netflix he could watch. Riley had lent him a couple of books and he soon found himself fascinated by them. He had really missed that the most when he was with James the second time. What he wouldn’t have given for a few good books to keep his mind occupied.

Lola curled up next to him as he sat on his bed to read, soon his troubles were pushed to the back of his mind.

“You should come a long Matty,” Jack told his friend, sitting in front of her in her office. “I’m sure Mac would love to see you.”

“He’s probably looking forward to your visit, I’m sure seeing me would put a dampener on that,” Matty replied.

“You sure that’s all it is?” Jack asked. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed you making excuses when it comes time to visit.”

“I don’t make excuses Dalton. I’m a very busy woman.”

“Too busy to see Mac?”

“Of course not,” Matty replied, averting her eyes from her friends. “I’ve talked to him on the phone.”

“That’s not the same and you know it. What’s going on?”

Matty paused, knowing that Jack wasn’t going to let it go but not sure she wanted to talk about her feelings with him. They had all gotten a lot closer when Mac was missing, and she knew Jack would never judge her.

“I feel responsible,” she blurted out, putting her head in her hands.

“Responsible?” Jack replied, not expecting that response.

“I am the director of the Phoenix Foundation, ex-CIA, I have friends all over the world in different agencies, many of whom owe me favours and I let my agent, my friend get taken by a madman, not once but twice.”

“Matty,” Jack started.

“No Jack don’t try to make me feel better. I should have done more, maybe then Mac wouldn’t be in the state he is now.”

Jack sat for a minute letting what his boss had said sink in, he had no idea that she was feeling the way she was. He leant forward and took her hands in his.

“You think I don’t feel the exact same.”

Matty looked up and went to speak.

“I’m not finished,” Jack said. “He’s my best friend, my brother, hell he’s like my own son and I let that bastard get his hands on him. I will never forgive myself for that. All those times I had his back in Afghanistan, then here on missions, all that time I spent protecting him and it was his daddy that got the better of me. I got friends too Matty, not quite as many as you but I got em, a load of favours too. But I know, that like me you called in as many favours as you could to find Mac, probably now owe a few yourself, so don’t think you didn’t do all ya could.”

“Thanks Jack,” Matty replied, squeezing her friend’s hand.

“You’re welcome, now, are you coming with me now?”

Matty smiled but shook her head. “You go, but I’ll see him next time.”

Jack nodded and stood up, glad that he’d got a few things off his chest and that Matty felt she could be honest with him. He prayed that soon they could put all the horrible things James had done behind them.

Back at the centre and Mac had fallen asleep, unfortunately he was now caught in a nightmare, Lola was licking his face to try and wake him, but it was having no affect.

“Please don’t,” Mac said, backing away from the man standing over him.

Victor just smiled, whistling happily and getting closer and closer, soon Mac couldn’t go any further and Victor crouched down, pulling Mac up and slamming him into the wall.

“Going somewhere?” Victor said, laughing. “You know you can’t get away from me.”

“You’re dead, this isn’t real,” Mac said, trying desperately to pull Victor off him.

“Oh, this is real alright, don’t you remember, I told you that I was going to ask your father to give you to me. Well, he decided that you were too much effort and that it would be best for everyone if I just took you.”

“No, you’re lying.”

“Ask him yourself,” Victor said, turning his head. “He’s standing right there.”

Mac turned and looked and there was his father, he had his arms crossed and he looked disappointed.

“I can’t bear to be around you anymore Angus, you’re pathetic, weak, no son of mine. Victor gave me an offer I couldn’t refuse so now you belong to him.”

“No, wait, you don’t know what he’ll do,” Mac pleaded with his father, struggling with all his might to get out of Victor’s hold.

“Oh, I know what he’ll do, but I don’t care. You’re his property now, he can do what he likes,” James replied, taking one last look and then walking away.

“So, you see, you belong to me now. We’re going to have so much fun together, you’ll fight at first, but you’ll learn to enjoy it.”

“No, no, get off me, please.”

Mac begged and pleaded and struggled as much as he could, but he was weak, and he couldn’t stop Victor from pushing him down. Soon he was on the floor face down, Victor tugging at his clothes, he stopped struggling knowing that it was useless. The pain was worse than it had ever been, and Mac cried out, he screamed and begged and then fell silent. In the distance he could hear his name being called, he thought he recognised the voice, but he couldn’t be sure.

Soon the pain began again, and Mac knew that it would never stop, how had he ever thought that he’d get away from it, had the last few weeks all been a dream?

“MAC, WAKE UP.”

That voice again, telling him to wake up, could it be true, could this be the dream. Mac prayed desperately that it was, he closed his eyes and willed himself to wake up.

“MAC,” Jack shouted, shaking his friend.

He had arrived moments before to find Mac thrashing about, crying and pleading, Lola beside herself. Jack immediately went to his friend to try and wake him, but Mac was too caught up in his nightmare. When the screaming started Jack almost left him to get some help, but instead he stayed, trying hard to coax Mac awake. Finally, Mac’s eyes shot open, darting around the room.

Jack stepped back, knowing that it wasn’t always wise to get too close when someone woke up from a nightmare, especially someone with their kind of training.

“Mac, you with me?” He asked, staying as close as he dared.

He was surprised when Mac launched himself at him, clinging desperately to him and sobbing into his shoulder. He held on tight, comforting his friend as best as he could, slightly concerned that Mac was going to hyperventilate.

“Hey buddy you gotta calm down,” Jack said, rubbing his hand up and down his friends back. “You’re safe, it was just a nightmare.”

Mac was finding it difficult to do what Jack was asking, he was so glad to be awake and away from Victor, but he could still see him and feel his hands on him. That nightmare had been the worst yet and he was afraid to let Jack go in case everything disappeared.

“Just breathe,” Jack kept saying, wondering why none of the staff had stepped in. “You’re ok.”

“Don’t leave,” Mac said suddenly, his breathing slowing a little.

“Wild horses couldn’t drag me away,” Jack replied, hugging his friend tightly and then pulling away keeping his hands connected.

Mac felt Jack pull away but not completely and he slowly relaxed, letting himself be held at arm’s length, he rubbed his face, knowing that he must look a mess.

“There ya are,” Jack said, smiling. “You feel better?”

Mac nodded, his breathing back to normal. He was still shaking, and his head was hurting, he also didn’t want to let Jack out of his sight. There was a knock on the door at that moment and Mac started to breath heavier.

“It’s ok Mac, it’s probably Melody or the doc,” Jack said, rubbing Mac’s arms. “Come in.”

“Do you need anything?” Annabel asked, not coming far into the room.

“I’m not sure,” Jack replied, looking at his friend. “Mac?”

Mac didn’t speak but he avoided looking at Annabel, knowing that she probably heard him yelling. He winced as the movement made the pain in his head spike.

“How about something to drink and some painkillers?” Jack asked, noticing that his friend was in pain.

“Coming right up,” Annabel said, leaving the room.

She returned a short time later with an orange juice and some Tylenol, putting both on the bedside table.

“Tom is in session, but if you need him Mac just let me know.”

Mac nodded, he certainly didn’t want to talk about anything right at that moment, but he knew that it would have to happen later. He took the painkillers and downed the juice, sitting back against the pillows and pulling the blanket around him.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, hating that his friend had seen him in the state he was in.

Jack smiled, knowing that Mac would make some sort of apology, he always did after a nightmare. “That’s ok hoss, I’m glad I was here.”

Mac sighed, knowing that Jack was going to ask what the nightmare was about.

“So, how about we sit and you try and relax and when you’re ready I’m here for you to talk to,” Jack said, joining his friend on the bed at the other end, wanting to be close but give Mac his space.

Mac nodded, he was glad that Jack hadn’t asked him to explain straightaway, he needed to think a little first. He also needed to decide how much he would tell Jack. He didn’t think he was quite ready to tell him all about Victor, he’d only just told Tom after all. But how would he explain the nightmare if not. Mac closed his eyes and leant his head against the wall, he needed to think.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry I haven't been as active with this. I've had a lot going on. I promise I will finish it and however slowly I will update as quickly as possible. Thanks for the comments, they keep me going. :-)

Jack sat watching his friend, wondering what was going through his head. He hated seeing Mac so upset and knowing there was nothing he could do about it. He tried his best to give Mac his space, knowing he wasn’t ready to talk about his troubles, but it was hard, Jack just wished he could click his fingers and magically make everything better. Of course, this was the real world and not a fairy-tale so that was out, he just had to make sure that he was there when Mac needed him and pray that his friend recovered without any major problems.

Jack got as comfortable as he could, knowing that it may be a while before Mac was ready to talk, preparing himself for whatever Mac might tell him. He was still in the dark about a lot of things that had happened to his friend, Mac had divulged little except to his therapist and of course that information wasn’t available to anyone. The team had investigated as much as possible at the site Mac was found, Jack had spent some time there, wanting to experience it for himself.

He remembered clearly standing in the room Mac was found in, finding it hard to imagine that his friend had survived so long. The room was more like a barn, there was still some equipment around the place that made it obvious that animals had been kept there. Jack clenched his fists at the thought, that Mac was treated the same way as an animal would have been, locked in a cage, only let out for specific reasons. The cage in question was barley big enough for a human being, there was a solid wall on one side and the rest was bars, the floor was concrete, and Jack hated to think that Mac had slept on something so hard for so long. Jack had stood inside for some time, silent tears falling to think of what Mac had endured.

The whip had been found at the back of the barn, dried blood still on the end, Jack had to stop himself from pulling it to pieces. He saw the hook that Mac would have been suspended from, there were marks on the floor where blood had clearly been spilled. He had also found a shower of some kind in the corner and a pile of towels nearby and realised that it was probably where Mac had washed. James didn’t even care enough to bring him inside for that, it was a wonder Mac hadn’t caught pneumonia.

Jack had remained in the barn for as long as he could and then made his way to the house, they had found only a few rooms in use, James obviously not needing much space. His first stop was the workshop, they had found various pieces, finished and unfinished, knowing from Mac that James had been making things to sell. Most of what was inside was a mystery to Jack, too technical, he would leave that to the geeks. He recognised a few pieces here and there, mostly from seeing all the things that Mac would build.

The room was filled except for one small area, that space was mostly empty, a bench and a stool, a few tools. Jack instantly knew that was where Mac had worked, knowing that James wouldn’t want him to have access to anything he could use to escape. The space was away from the other benches, so even when Mac was around other people he was separated. Approaching the bench Jack halted, seeing the chain that was attached to it, following it down to see the cuff, now knowing for sure this was where Mac worked. It seemed even working Mac wasn’t free but chained to the bench, there was no way for him to get free even away from the barn.

Jack had sighed wishing that Mac hadn’t been treated so badly, although he was glad that Mac was able to use his hands to make things, even though he was no doubt forced to do it. He had wondered how long it had taken for Mac to do what James wanted, knowing that he would have refused to help him at the start. There was nothing else to see in the room, so Jack had left. It was clear from a search of the rest of the house that Mac only went from the barn to the workshop and back, he wasn’t allowed anywhere else.

Coming back from his thoughts Jack looked up to find Mac watching him, hoping the kid hadn’t been waiting for him for long. He smiled and sat up.

“You doin ok Hoss?”

Mac nodded, feeling a little better, he had fallen into a light dose thinking through what he was going to tell Jack. When he had opened his eyes, he found his friend in a world of his own, happy to wait for him to come back before he spoke.

“You ready to talk about your nightmare?” Jack asked, not wanting to force Mac when he wasn’t ready.

“I think, you need to know,” Mac replied slowly, still not feeling ready to tell Jack everything.

“It’s not about what I need. You have to be ok telling me if you’re not then that’s ok.”

As much as Jack wanted to know what had happened to Mac, he didn’t want his friend to tell him because he thought he had to. Jack would be able to live with not knowing if Mac was ok.

Mac paused and bit his lip, knowing he had to tell Jack something, it was wrong to keep his friend in the dark.

“Do you know….about V…..Vic….Victor?” Mac asked, struggling to say the name.

“Victor Loran, yeah, what about him?” Jack replied, unsure why Mac was bringing up that name.

“He visited James….a few times…….they did jobs together,” Mac started, hoping he would be able to tell Jack what the man had done.

“Yeah, we found out Victor and James worked together in the past, I guess they got reacquainted,” Jack answered, wondering why Victor was important.

Mac nodded, understanding now why they seemed to know each other well, he paused looking at Jack, trying to pluck up the courage to speak. “My nightmares, they’re about……him.”

“Victor?”

Mac nodded again.

Jack was confused, wondering why Mac would be dreaming about the man, let alone having nightmares about him. 

“Sometimes James would leave, I guess to get, supplies, do jobs,” Mac carried on, knowing Jack didn’t understand. “He had people stay, with me.”

Jack wasn’t sure where Mac was going with his explanation, but he knew he wasn’t going to like it. He sat quietly, promising himself that he wouldn’t get upset, Mac didn’t need that.

“Vic…..Victor watched me, twice. He….he…..hurt me,” Mac said, keeping his eyes down.

“How?” Jack asked, not understanding why Mac was finding it so hard.

When Mac didn’t respond Jack sighed, not sure if he would get anymore out of his friend. He decided to push a little, knowing to stop if Mac started to get upset.

“It can’t have been worse than what James did.”

Mac’s breathing started to quicken, he couldn’t say the words to Jack and just thinking about it made him upset. He hoped either Jack would stop asking or figure it out himself, somehow Mac didn’t think either of those things would happen.

“Hey Mac, it’s ok, we can stop,” Jack said, watching his friend struggling.

What could Victor have done that was so terrible, Mac’s own father had beat him, drugged him, whipped him. As far as Jack was concerned there weren’t any other serious injuries that he didn’t know about, it was possible that Victor had attacked him or punished him in some way on James’s order, but surely it wouldn’t affect Mac so much.

As they sat, Jack waiting for Mac to calm down and Mac hoping that Jack would let the matter drop, Jack thought back to how he knew about Victor. The man had been killed, his neck snapped, not something that usually happens by accident. They had decided that James and Victor must have had a disagreement, thinking it was to do with business. Jack wondered if maybe their assumptions had been wrong, and it was more personal. Had Victor hurt Mac and James had killed him because of it. It seemed unlikely, James didn’t seem the sort of person to care, Mac had told them how James had let two of his associates beat him when he’d made a mistake on some work they were doing.

Jack had found it hard to keep his anger in check when he’d found that out, if James hurting Mac wasn’t enough, he was letting other people hurt him too. The punching bag in the gym had taken the brunt of his anger later that day, his hands hurt thinking about it.

So, Victor hurting Mac shouldn’t have even bothered James, unless he did something against James’s wishes. What could that be though and why was it affecting Mac so much.

“Mac, I don’t know if this’ll help, but Victor, he’s dead,” Jack said, knowing that Mac needed to know and hoping telling him wouldn’t make things worse.

Mac’s head shot up when Jack spoke, Victor was dead. “How?”

“From what we can tell, James killed him. Snapped his neck and buried him.”

Mac sat and stared at Jack, not sure if he was hearing him correctly, Victor was dead, and James had killed him. He thought back to what James had told him, that Victor wouldn’t be back again, he had thought that James had just told him to leave and not come back, it looked like he killed him instead. Even though Mac was glad that he’d never have to lay eyes on the man again, it didn’t change anything, he still did what he did, and Jack still needed to know.

“He…he…” Mac tried but it was no use, telling Jack wasn’t going to be that easy.

“He did something worse than what James did?” Jack asked, not sure if he should continue to push.

Mac nodded, hoping that Jack would leave it there.

“That’s what, I dream about.”

Jack was at a loss, he couldn’t figure out what Victor could have possibly done that was so bad, so bad that Mac wouldn’t talk about it, so bad that he was having terrible nightmares.

“Have you talked to Tom about it?”

Mac nodded.

“Good, so someone knows.”

“Yes. I’m sorry…”

“Hey kiddo, don’t be sorry,” Jack replied. “When you’re ready, you’ll tell me.”

Mac looked up at Jack and smiled, glad that his friend wasn’t going to push anymore. They problem was though; he didn’t think he’d ever be ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had to go back and check a few things as I've forgotten some of what I've written. I swear I haven't already told Mac that Victor is dead, if I have I apologise and hope it wasn't too confusing.   
> Unfortunately I think when you don't write regularly things are bound to be forgotten.


	20. Chapter 20

A week passed and Mac was feeling stronger, he still had nightmares, but they were getting better, easier to handle, he certainly wasn’t waking up screaming anymore. He had been working with his speech therapist and Tom and he’d even participated in group therapy a couple of times. He really thought he was on the road to recovery.

At Tom’s suggestion Mac had told Vanessa about what had happened with Victor, it was easier to tell her than he thought, but he still wasn’t ready to reveal all to Jack and the others. Everyone, including Matty had been to visit and he was becoming more comfortable around each of them. A part of him still thought they would perceive him differently if they knew, no matter what Tom and Vanessa said.

He was slowly starting to believe that there was nothing he could have done to stop Victor; he was bigger and stronger than Mac and he had the advantage. It was difficult to except, to see himself as a victim but he knew he had to, or he wouldn’t get past it.

“I’m really pleased with your progress Mac,” Tom said, putting away his notebook. “You’ve come a long way since you arrived.”

Mac smiled, hoping that soon Tom would start to talk about when he could leave the facility, he was nervous about it, but he couldn’t wait to start getting back to some semblance of normal.

“I think it might be time to let you spread your wings a little,” Tom spoke. “It’s definitely too soon for you to go back home, but I think we could start small and you could have a day away from here. What do you think?”

Mac wasn’t sure what to say, he was hoping that Tom would tell him that he could leave and he was doing exactly that, just a day rather than leaving altogether but it was a start.

“Sounds good.”

Tom smiled, standing up. “I know Jack is coming tomorrow, maybe we could discuss you taking a daytrip somewhere. Why don’t you come and find me when he gets here?”

Mac nodded, hoping that they weren’t going to fast, he didn’t want to leave, and something go wrong. Tom must have seen something on his face because he stopped and sat back down.

“Mac, if you don’t feel comfortable doing this, we can wait. There’s no pressure here, you have to do things at your own pace.”

Mac thought about that for a minute, a small part of him wanted to just stay cocooned safe in the facility, but the most and logical part of him knew he needed to move forward.

“I’m nervous, but I have to go,” Mac said, hoping that was the right thing to say.

“It’s perfectly natural to be nervous, maybe even a little scared. We’ll take things slow, and you can change your mind at any time.”

Mac nodded again and got up, leaving Tom to get ready for his next patient. He decided to go out into the garden for a bit, stopping at his room first to get his book and Lola. He’d been reading a lot, finding that it took his mind away from his troubles, it was a great distraction. Lola was happy to see him, and she was especially eager to be going outside.

Mac felt sorry for Lola, he was sure that she wasn’t having much fun, cooped up in his room so much. She could go wherever he did and his friends and some of the staff would take her on walks, but that was it. He hoped that wherever they decided to go on their outing that Lola could come too.

Settling himself on a bench in the shade, Lola at his feet, Mac opened his book and got comfortable, happy to sit by himself and escape into another reality.

The next day arrived quickly and Jack made his way towards Mac’s room, eager to see his friend. He was happy to notice every time he came by Mac was more himself, he was talking a lot more and seemed able to get more things off his chest. They had talked a little about some of what James had done and while it was hard, Mac seemed lighter afterwards. They still hadn’t talked about Victor, but Jack knew it was only a matter of time before Mac told him, he just had to be patient.

“Hey Hoss, what’s on the agenda today,” Jack said, entering Mac’s room and scratching Lola behind the ears.

“Tom wants to see us,” Mac replied, a little nervous.

Jack looked at his friend, noticing that he was trembling slightly, he walked over and sat next to him.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Mac said, sighing when Jack looked at him with a raised eyebrow. “Tom thinks we should…go out for the day.”

“And you don’t wanna go?” Jack asked, seeing that his friend was anxious.

“I do. I’m just…..” he paused, looking away. “Scared.”

“Oh kiddo, I’ll be there, nothin gonna happen when Dalton’s about,” Jack replied, putting his arm around Mac’s shoulders.

Mac laughed, knowing that Jack was trying to make him feel better. He turned back to look at his friend, nodding that he was ok, he could do this, what was the worst that could happen.

“I suggest you don’t go far and only stay out for a few hours,” Tom said, as they all approached the door. “Don’t hesitate to call if you need us.”

“I think we’ll be ok doc,” Jack replied, holding Lola’s lead. “We’ll just drive around for a little bit and then find somewhere to have lunch.”

Tom nodded, knowing that Jack would protect Mac with his life and wouldn’t do anything to cause him harm. They had discussed in private a few things to watch out for, Mac would likely be anxious and could very well have a panic attack. Luckily, Jack knew how to handle those situations and Lola would always be around too.

“Come on Mac won’t see nothin standing around here,” Jack said, manoeuvring the man slightly out of the door.

Mac took a deep breath and followed his friend out of the door, grateful that Jack had his hand on his arm, he didn’t think he would be able to get his feet working properly without some help. Soon they were in the car, Jack putting his seatbelt on when it was obvious he wasn’t up to the task. Jack got into the driver’s seat and started the engine, gently pulling away from the facility.

“We’ll take it slow, I’ll drive nearby for a while, so you’re used to being out. When you’re ready, we’ll find somewhere to sit.”

Mac nodded, looking out of the window, the outside moving around him. After fifteen minutes Mac was calmer, he felt safe with Jack and he knew that if there were any problems they weren’t far from the facility.

“Thanks for doing this,” Mac said, turning to look at his friend.

“No need to thank me, I’m happy to be your chauffeur for a bit,” Jack replied, smiling. “You ready to find somewhere we can sit and eat?”

Mac nodded, his stomach growling in agreement, Jack laughed, and the car went a little faster. Melody had been kind enough to pack them a picnic, nothing much, just a few sandwiches, some fruit and drinks. They were going to find a park or somewhere secluded and stop, eat and enjoy the scenery. Depending on how Mac felt they might drive around a little more after, or they would just head back.

Ten minutes later and Jack was pulling into a small carpark, they had come across a park that didn’t look too busy and decided to stop. After the car had stopped Jack turned to Mac.

“Ok hoss I have some rules I need you to follow. Actually, just one, you tell me if anything is bothering you and you wanna leave, I don’t care what it is, you get a funny feeling, you don’t like the way someone looks at you, you’re tired, anything. I don’t want you suffering because you think we need to stay out.”

Mac smiled, he knew that Jack would take this operation seriously, he half expected him to be armed.

“I need to hear you say it hoss, don’t just sit there smiling.”

“I promise Jack.”

“Well ok then,” Jack replied, taking off his belt and opening his door.

He reached in and let Lola out and grabbed the backpack with the food in, watching Mac leave the car and stand stiffly looking out towards the park.

“You good to go?” Jack asked, coming up beside his friend.

“Yeah,” Mac replied, taking Lola’s lead. “Not too far though.”

Jack nodded, pointing to a bench that was close to the car park but far enough away that it seemed secluded. Mac followed his finger and starting walking, soon they were seated and they both sat for a minute, enjoying the weather and the fact it was just the two of them, no doctors or nurses, for the first time in a long time.

“I’m glad we did this,” Mac said, breaking the silence.

“Me too, now how about we see what Melody packed us,” Jack replied, opening the backpack and getting out the supplies.

They began eating their sandwiches, setting a bowl of food out for Lola so she wasn’t left out. Jack wanted to make conversation but wasn’t sure what to say, he didn’t want to put his foot in it and say the wrong thing. Deciding to keep quiet and let Mac talk if he wanted to Jack kept an eye on Mac and their surroundings, not wanting anything to happen unexpectedly.

The food eaten, the two friends just sat in silence, each happy to be in the others company. Lola was dancing around, eager to be in such an open space, she’d race off but wouldn’t go far, she took her job very seriously and her job was to keep an eye on her human. If he were staying at the bench then she wouldn’t go to far either.

“Do you think this’ll ever….be normal again?” Mac asked, looking over at his friend.

“Yeah, I do. It’ll take some time, but you’ll get back on track,” Jack replied, praying that he was right.

“I thought that before.”

“We all did,” Jack said, hating that James had ruined everything once again. “You know what’s different?”

“What?”

“James is dead, there’s no chance he’ll come after you again. You’re free, everything will get back to normal, eventually and you can get on with your life.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be an agent again.”

Mac didn’t seem too upset by that, so Jack wasn’t either. If Mac was ok, it didn’t matter what he did.

“Who says you have to be. You can work in the lab, or you could teach, hell if you wanted to you could just give up work altogether.”

“Be a man of leisure, do what I wanted, when I wanted.”

“Sounds good.”

They both smiled, knowing that Mac would never give up work, he wasn’t built that way, even though he’d been through hell and had spent most of his time recently being still, it wouldn’t last, not once he got his full strength back.

“You don’t have to decide yet Mac, wait until you’re fully healed. What you want now and what you want in six months could be very different.”

“I know, it’s just hard to imagine what….my future holds. For a while I didn’t see myself…..having one. I gave up you know. I’d decided that no one was coming….I knew I’d either be locked up……forever, or I’d be dead.”

“I’m sorry Mac, I wish we’d found you sooner.”

“I know Jack, that wasn’t me……piling on the guilt. It was just reality.”

“Well reality is different now, so you better start believing you’ve got a future again,” Jack said, coming around to sit next to his friend. “Why don’t we take Lola for a walk and then head back. I say she’s earnt one.”

“Sounds good, she’s been great.”


End file.
